History repeats itself

Lately I find myself in the same limbo with The Bunny that I was with The Pedant – having five thousand small relationship issues I wanna discuss but not knowing where to start, and also wanting very much to know where I stand with him.  Plus kinda wanting to tell him I love him but not quite being ready to/wondering how he’d receive it.  Plus being afraid I’ll accidentally drive him away, either by being too into him or not into him enough.  This last is partly because The Bunny came to a posing gig I did – a launch party at a nightclub – and ended up sitting with my friend The Social Worker (and TSW’s friend) while I posed.  TSW says he and his friend got to talking about polyamory and The Bunny mentioned that he only has eyes for me.

Why would The Bunny tell TSW that when he hasn’t even told me?  Also, by the way, The Bunny seems to be on OKCupid pretty constantly, not to mention open to dating women on FetLife – which makes me wonder if he was just kidding and TSW didn’t pick up on it.  Or, alternately, maybe he would be happy just with me but is continuing to search as kind of a defence mechanism because he knows I’m poly.  See?  This is why every move I make feels like it could be the wrong one – if he’s looking around for real then he might be put off by clinginess, but if he’s looking around to try to hide that he’s super into me, he’ll be freaked out by too much distance.

I know it sounds like I’m all messed up right now but actually I mostly have my anxiety under control – I mean I’m not overthinking things too much.  I just do what I feel like doing but maybe get a twinge of “arrrrgh what if…” afterward.

A few nights ago – after weeks of wanting to – I asked The Bunny how he’d feel about giving us a relationship status on FetLife.  He immediately texted back that he’d be okay with it.  I asked him what he’d list me as, or what he’d want me to list him as* (ahhh, the moment of truth: I finally get to know how he categorizes me!) and he said “There are a lot of D/s options.”  So he’s only thinking of listing himself as my sub in some capacity, not anything more relationshippy?  Hmm.  Anyway, he hasn’t chosen anything yet and I’m not prompting him.  I’m pretty sure what’s happening here is that he doesn’t know where he stands with me, either, so we are somewhat in a game of “chicken” – both of us hoping the other makes a suggestion first.  When I see him tomorrow I’m gonna bite the bullet and initiate that conversation.  Probably.

And, y’know…for ages I thought he was hiding the fact that we’re together because he’s always so discreet in his FetLife postings – never mentioning in discussion groups that he’s seeing anyone, let alone any details.  This is his prerogative, and I took it as a hint to be equally discreet, myself.  But yesterday – sometime after the “let’s be FL official” conversation – someone posted in a discussion group asking if anyone out there has a giant/giantess fetish, and The Bunny responded to this that he does not, but he is seeing someone considerably taller than he is and doesn’t have any problem with it.  Seems like, now that he knows I’m comfortable showing off our relationship online, he’s making excuses to bring me up in conversation and show me off a bit, too. 😀

Also, I was stalking back through his FL profile a bit and saw that he’s made a number of status posts on his wall along the lines of “I’m in for some trouble tonight” on days we were going to see each other.  I’d forgotten about those.  Plus he’s uploaded photos of some of the bruises I’ve left on him.  The captions were cryptic and did not mention my name, but still – he’s proud of the marks I give him and not trying excessively hard to look totally single.  I like this.

Last night when we were texting he made some remark asking if I’m “on track” for having all the boys and girls I want.  I don’t understand why he’d ask me that unless he is indeed feeling a bit jealous or insecure…I responded by saying that “on track” makes it sound like I have concrete goals and charts and stuff, which I don’t, and reiterating what I said weeks ago – that I’m not actively searching for new people, but pleased to be able to explore if something falls right in my lap.  I asked what he’s looking for, with all his trawling on OKCupid, and he said nothing – that the women there all seem boring and samey – but that women on FetLife can be pretty intriguing.  I asked him what his ideal number or arrangement of partners is.  He said “Dunno.  2 was a good working number once for me.  Moar people increases the flake chance.  But other things have to be considered.”  I’m going to assume that he’s pretty content with our current poly situation, then.

Speaking of figuring out where I stand with The Bunny: once he agreed to come to that nightclub gig, I asked him if he’d come home with me after for the sole purpose of helping me get to sleep.  I said I likely wouldn’t feel like sexytimes but I would feel absolutely wired from all the loudness and music of the evening and would need his help in bringing me down – if he was up for it.  He was.  The friend he was gonna bring to the thing bailed, even, but he came anyway and I guess just stood around alone until TSW & co. showed up (he’s met them before) and he hung out with them.  After the gig I was so fucked up I could barely talk.  When I’m stressed out I’m like a computer whose processing power is all wound up in one task – try to get me to function and you’ll get the equivalent of the Windows hourglass or the Apple spinning beachball.  Caressing and massaging me is the equivalent of a hard reboot, and The Bunny took me home and did that for me.  I probably should have warned him that a huge sobbing fit is part of the reboot process; when I burst into tears he became somewhat alarmed.  But he held on to me and kept petting me and I was eventually able to explain that I was just having a stress-release cry and that this was exactly what I needed.  We fell asleep cuddled up together, me naked and him still in his boxers (I love that he kept his boxers on – it effectively kept the focus on me all night.  If he got hard, I couldn’t see it and start feeling guilty and thinking I should do something about it.  It let me be selfish, which I needed.)

So The Bunny came to this gig of mine without knowing anyone (at first) and then went home with me and took care of me knowing there would probably not be any “payoff” of sex that night.  That impresses me to no end – and tells me he probably sees us as more than just People Who Fuck.  That – and The Bunny allegedly telling TSW that he’s only really interested in me right now – is what gave me the nerve to ask for a FetLife status.


*It’s not like on Facebook; FetLife handles both sides of a relationship separately, and in fact I could list anybody on my friends list as something to me without them even giving me permission, let alone listing me back.  I’ve seen subs who list some chick as their dom while her profile makes no mention of them whatsoever.  It strikes me as very sad.


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4 responses to “History repeats itself

  1. Wendel

    Maybe you should work on fixing yourself instead of inflicting yourself on good people. If you have social anxiety you have no right to unload your bullshit on other people, it just makes you look sad and pathetic.

    Either get meds or go see a shrink. You are just going to hurt what sounds like a good guy and he doesn’t deserve that.

    • I don’t “unload my bullshit” on other people. The blog entry you’re responding to specifically says that although I’ve got some stuff going on in my head, I am not letting it affect the way I behave with this boy.

      Nice attempt at concern trolling, though. 7/10.

    • trillian

      Wendel I don’t think you even remotely understand her or even the actual post. The relationship so far is a win-win and it’s fairly obvious to say that cowgirl is working hard on keeping it that way.

  2. marika grofno

    don’t listen to the troll

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