Oh well.

I told The Sage I think it’s better if we stay strictly platonic.  I expected that he would demand reasons.  So far he has not.  I hope he never does; I understand why a person might want to know these things but I could see him being the argumentative type, telling me he can change, etc.

But yeah.  I realized that he’s actually been making me uncomfortable in some ways and basically the only reason I was keeping him around is that I believe he’s a good-but-socially-odd person who doesn’t mean to be creepy.  It was getting to a point, though, where I was continually choosing whether to confront/explain/negotiate every damn thing he said, or bite my tongue and just be annoyed/creeped out.  He just fundamentally doesn’t get a lot of stuff about human interaction and I think I really need someone who’s already got the crib notes down.

Like…on our first meeting, I kept accidentally talking too loudly about kink stuff and he kept shushing me, saying that if people can overhear me that’s tantamount to involving them in my sex life without their consent.*  But get this: before our first meeting, he said maybe I should wear something distinctive – like a sweater – so he could recognize me (I then explained to him that there’s no need because I am a giant with technicolour hair).  For our second meeting we were going to convene at the same coffee shop.  I was texting him, just “I’m on my way – how about you, are you close?” type stuff, and out of the blue he goes “Are you wearing a sweater?”  …And I remembered that his FetLife profile mentions that he loves it when BDSM play involves trapping him in an itchy sweater, and I got a wee bit suspicious.  So I texted back “Are sweaters a fetish of yours?” and he texts back “*blushes*.”  

We were not dating; we were not fucking; I had clearly stated that I just wanted to get to know him and we could decide later where things might go.  And yet he thought it was appropriate to be all “are you wearing something I can beat off to later?  *pant*pant*pant*.”  Oh, and then once we were at the coffee shop he told me he’d dreamed about me and he hoped that didn’t make me uncomfortable.  I asked what the dream was about and he said just me standing over him wearing nothing but stockings and a pair of long black gloves.  I just…I can’t even…why did he mention this dream at all when he knew it was quasi-sexual in nature and I had told him before to please back off with the flirtation/innuendo/constant mentions of wanting to play with me/see me naked/etc.?

And there’s the chastising.  At one point he batted his eyelashes at me flirtatiously and I said something like “I’m not sure how innocent you can really look, considering the things I know about you.”  He kind of repeated this sentence back in a snide, expectant tone and I amended “Okay, I’m not sure how innocent I can perceive you to be considering the things I know about you.”  And he was like “That’s more like it.”  It wasn’t that he hadn’t understood me the first time, mind you.  It’s that he felt I hadn’t been expressing my thought with enough precision, and it bothered him so much that he corrected me like a schoolmarm.  That’s only one example; he did similar things a few other times.  That may have killed any interest I had in him even more than the creepy/pushy stuff.  It made me feel like he was my dad, both in the sense that he presumed to correct me like I’m his underling, and in the sense that my dad is also Aspie and it makes him fanatically picky and unable to let go of tiny things, too.  

Plus The Sage is going through some shit right now.  His wife has some kind of wasting disease or something and it’s putting him under a lot of stress.  And bondage is how he relieves stress; when he’s had a bad day, he really really wants to be tied up so tightly he can’t move, gagged, and just left like that for a couple of hours.  But that’s not play, to me.  I’m not interacting with him beyond putting him in restraints, and he’s just wanting to be restrained because it makes him feel better.  I’d feel like a service provider.  Not sexy.  …Now, he does like to actually play, too, but right now he’s so wound up with his personal problems that all he wants is to be tied up and left alone.  He drove me home after our second meeting, and in the car he got to talking about his personal issues for a bit and kind of wallowing in his stress…which culminated in him saying “You’d probably better go inside before I start begging you to take me upstairs with you and tie me up.”  Just…ew.  I’d said that I needed him to back up and be platonic-like so I could decide what I wanted from him and do the pursuing if I chose to.  And there he was just filling the air with pressure like an impending thunderstorm: I might explode if someone doesn’t help me by tying me up but none of my play partners are available argh I’m gonna die I wish you could help me.  I’ve met this guy twice.  I do not want to be cast in the role of saviour.  And it feels kind of impersonal and dehumanizing the way he mostly seems to see me as a vehicle for possible tyings-up.  Maybe if his home life were more stable it’d be different; maybe he’d seem like he wanted to actually play, with me in particular, not just be restrained by whoever.  But as it stands he’s too fucking needy.  We’re not good enough friends for him to be leaning on me so much.  Just no.

I hope this really is the end of it and he doesn’t start grilling me for answers.  He is so tiring…so very tiring.


*For the record, I disagree.  If I were turned on by the fact that people could hear me, that would be “involving them in my sex life.”  As it was I was just talking too loudly about stuff people might be squicked by, same as if I were yelling in public about my friend’s haemorrhoid surgery or something.  It’s not a great thing to do, but it’s not a sexual consent issue for fuck’s sake.


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6 responses to “Oh well.

  1. Leah

    Such an interesting way of being on the spectrum. Fascinating. It’s not fair to request or desire someone to restrain you for relief, but I am so intrigued by this coping mechanism and it is SO AUTISM. It’s cool for me to see how adults function on the spectrum, since I only work with adolescents.

    I have nothing of value to add other than I’m glad you recognized that you couldn’t make it work, and that I still read every entry even if I don’t respond 🙂

    • Yeah, I’d heard that autistic people sometimes feel comforted by being tightly “mushed”, and even that someone used this info to invent an anxiety-easing vest thing for dogs to wear during thunderstorms that’s heavy and mashes certain pressure points.

      In The Sage, the need to be mushed has manifested itself as bondage sluttery.

  2. marika grofno

    well, good for him, but I’m glad you backed off, it sounded like unreasonable expectations for you; you don’t owe shit to him. good luck with others.

  3. I’ve felt this same kind of awkwardness from guys before, in almost the exact same terms; I don’t know if they’ve been on the autism spectrum or not, but I know that kind of (probably unintentional but still) creepiness. FWIW I think you made the right decision, and hope that if you want another boy to play with you’ll get one who doesn’t push things when you don’t want them.

  4. Pingback: Sex work? | hiding in plain sight

  5. Pingback: Postscript | hiding in plain sight

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