So, V and I have been hanging out as friends since I made the awkward confession that I don’t think I’m attracted to her enough for sexytimes. Honestly, I was kind of curious to try to establish a D/s relationship, anyway – a nonsexual service sub kind of deal – but I could not think of any way to phrase this that didn’t sound like “I’m not into you that way but d’you still wanna clean my apartment?” which sounds…not great.
And although I know, intellectually, that nonsexual service subs exist, I can’t get my head around it. I can’t understand how gratitude it its own reward. I’ve always assumed that any sub of mine would only be serving me for the sex – not necessarily in a direct, “I did the dishes, now where’s my blow job?” way (although I do see that attitude on FetLife sometimes), but that a sub’s urge to be useful is motivated primarily by his attraction to me. So in V’s case it felt like if I took sex/romance off the table, there’d be no reason for her to want to serve me.
But the other day we were out to dinner and she said she had a fantasy of being someone’s full-time sub in exchange for them financially supporting her. I said “If I had the money to support you, I would snap you up.” And that night she wrote me a message on FetLife being all “Hey, you know I’d like to be someone’s sub; why you torturing me like that?” (only way more tactful).
I wasn’t kidding with my remark, either; if I were rich I would snap her up. The other times that I considered taking subs on for domestic duties, they seemed more into the fantasy than the reality. I auditioned one guy who cleaned my kitchen somewhat badly (food bits still on the dishes, countertops not wiped thoroughly enough) and told me after that he really wished I’d yelled at him and dragged him around by the hair and stuff (this after I’d told him I’m not a drill sergeant type and he said that was fine). I went for coffee with another guy who wanted to be my houseboy but did not listen to a single damn thing I said – we were just making small talk but it was like we were having two entirely different conversations. I would not trust that guy to (for instance) do laundry to my specifications.
When V came over to help me clean, she didn’t need micromanaging; she calmly and systematically cut through my clutter so that there was a huge improvement in just a couple of hours. And when she cleaned my kitchen it gleamed. When she came over to take care of me when I threw my neck out, I had her go buy me some drug store remedies; when she returned, she put my keys back in the place she saw me get them from, gave me my change and receipts, and pointed out that she’d saved me money by buying the brands that were on sale. This is a sub I could delegate important things to without fear. She’s hardcore. And if I were giving her room and board, I could have her do these things for me without feeling like I was taking advantage of her.
The fact that she’s still potentially interested in being my sub even though she knows I’m not sexually attracted is fascinating to me. I guess she’s not kidding that my gratitude would be its own reward. Hmmm.
You’d think I’d be able to understand what it is she gets out of this; I have the same basic feeling, but in reverse. I want to feel like I own someone, and that they’re doing things for me because I’m the boss of them. A vanilla partner who does things just to be nice is not the same to me as a submissive partner who does things in deference, is what I’m saying. So, if I seek a feeling of ownership over someone, why is it so hard to believe that V just wants to feel owned – that the vibe of “You are mine and you are doing what I want” is the elusive thing I have to offer in exchange for her services?
At any rate, I responded to her message laying all of this out on the table. We’ll see what she says. If she’s willing to deal with my frequent bouts of tentativeness, that’s cool; maybe I can work through my various mental blocks and learn to take command. If I sound too high maintenance and she’d rather just be friends with me, I can’t say I’d blame her.