The Bunny had always seemed to me to have a delicious brand of quiet self-confidence. Y’know? That thing where a person is totally unfazed by rejection because they know they have good things to offer and someone is inevitably going to see this. I’ve even seen him give advice to overly desperate “Nice Guy” types on FetLife, telling them to chill out, be themselves, etc., and stop obsessing on how to get laid/who’s getting laid more than them/etc. He’s a full six inches shorter than I am, thirteen years younger, and is submissive to me, and he does not appear to feel threatened or emasculated by any of these things; he holds his own against me, and that’s impressive. He’s not weird or defensive about his love of being fucked in the ass.
But some cracks are appearing in the armour.
During our conversation about sexy clothing items for men (which ultimately led to the whole collar debacle), The Bunny said there’s no equivalent of lingerie for men – that no item of clothing on a man will ever provoke lust in a woman and that dudes are meant to just be naked and smelly. That…seemed a little sad and bitter, to me. Also, had he not been noticing how much I swoon for him? Admittedly I didn’t swoon over clothing, because his clothes don’t accent his body as well as they could. But I’ve made it really damn obvious that I do consider him an object of desire. His body is not simply utilitarian to me; it’s eminently fuckable.
Another time, I told him that his brain is really hot to me (he used to be an electrical engineer, and not only understood this xkcd comic immediately but explained it to me in terms I could understand). He expressed disbelief and make a crack that being smart and geeky like he is usually dooms a guy to lifelong virginity (Um, maybe in a John Hughes movie, but not in the world I live in!!!).
He does say that women tell him how pretty he is all the time, and that he once got blatantly checked out by a woman at the sex club. But he went on to say that there was no way she would ever have actually hit on him. I guess we’ll never know because he left almost immediately after she gave him the once-over with her eyes. But that’s not the first time he’s made a point of mentioning that women don’t hit on him.
The Bunny once made an offhanded comment about it being very very important to him not to come off threatening, and for women to feel safe with him and know that he’ll always respect their consent; he’s terrified of gaining a bad reputation in the kink community (he says they gossip like high schoolers…). He’s also made an offhanded comment that it’s his policy always to stand back and let a woman be the initiator. I believe these two items are related; that he’s so scared of looking like a creep that he waits for women to approach him first (and kiss him first, and fuck him first) so there’s no way anyone can ever claim they didn’t want…whatever ended up happening. I believe he has perhaps gone too far with this plan and accidentally made himself look like a eunuch so that now, nobody he likes has any idea he’s even interested (it was certainly hard for me to tell) and he’s kind of frustrated by the lack of offers.
From a text conversation earlier today (which started out with me bitching about a commercial I hate that reinforces patriarchal stereotypes):
Bunny: Where are all the matriarchy ads?
Me: In perversecowgirl heaven. 🙂
Bunny: Your ads prolly just involve strapons and men being hurt by women.
Me: Nope. The driving theme is that men only exist to be pretty for women. And have to bat their eyelashes and wait to be chosen.
Bunny: Oh see, now you’ll have huge problems. Womens only want teh football guy. [Pretty sure this is another bitter allusion to the idea that he’s not wanted. But what is he picturing as a Football Guy? Literally a football fan, or just someone big and tough? The Bunny, though short, has a very manly build, or at least I think so. Stocky with lots of muscle underneath.]
Me [making the point that ANY guy can be sexually passive and enticing, not just feminine-looking ones]: The football guy can bat his eyelashes like anyone else.
Me: Some of the women in the FetLife groups I frequent use the phrase “walking a tiger on a piece of string” to describe the F/m dynamic they seek. Not a weak man but a strapping manly-man who willingly gives himself over. [I can’t remember why I brought this up. To head The Bunny’s possible bitterness off at the pass, I guess? To show him that it’s not a dichotomy between aggressive women who only like passive, effeminate dudes vs. passive women who only like manly-men and require them to be super aggressive? To reassure him that although I have a history of attraction to skinny crossdressers, I still find him hotter than hell?]
Me: Oh yes. ❤
Bunny: So I’m a tiger now, am I?
Me: You’re SOMETHING awesome and strong. [Tigers aren’t known for their huge strong legs. I was thinking maybe a very small Clydesdale horse, but that might not have sounded sexy.]
Bunny: Well thank you for saying that.
Me: Thank you for BEING that. 🙂
Bunny: Not many of teh ladies I’ve attempted to date or woo cared it seems. [I’m not sure what he’s referring to, here. Cared that he was interested in them? Cared that he’s built like a smallish tank? I wish I’d asked for clarification.] Even on FL Singles…but the ladies just go there for teh giggles. [He thinks women only look at the personal ads group to inwardly mock the guys who write ads? WHAT IS THIS I CAN’T EVEN.]
Me: I cruise the ad groups out of genuine interest. I just END UP giggling. 😛 [Srsly, people write some stoooopid ads. Men and women both.]
Me: See what?
Bunny: Passing all the cute gems. 😛
Me: if they’re gems, they need to learn to write better ads/profiles.
Bunny: I’m being an ego maniac. Just go with it.
Me: Okay. 😛
Bunny: I’m talking allllll about me. Me me me. Me and my cock! [He’s being ironic with that last bit. He knows his cock is not that important in the grand scheme of things.]
Me: And your powerful legs and your sculpted lips and your delightful bubble butt, too?
Bunny: Exactly. Praise me!
Me: I already did! Pay better attention. 😛 [I will only tolerate so much compliment-fishing. Especially since I tell The Bunny he’s hot all the damn time anyway. It was high time to cut the pity party short.]
Oh, Bunny. Your repeated references to how women never want you are a wee bit of a Nice Guy red flag, and also make me feel kinda like chopped liver. But at the same time I wanna give you a big hug and ruffle your hair.
I really don’t think he is a Nice Guy; he’s probably just a Sad Guy*. But talking to me of all people about how Women Never Want Him…I don’t love that. It says to me that The Bunny has turned Nobody Likes Me into his official worldview and tends to ignore or downplay any info that doesn’t support it. Info like me being completely and obviously gaga over him. And I wonder: is his laid-back confidence a front? As he feels closer to me and lets his guard down, is he slowly gonna become a sucking vortex of neediness?
*The former feels that women should want to fuck him, the latter is merely disappointed that they don’t.