Emotional roller coaster today.

Was texting with The Bunny pretty much all day, as usual.  Asked him how comfortable he might feel being visibly, identifiably submissive at a play party – would he feel comfortable if I gave him orders or had him on a collar and leash or something like that?

He said that he has no problem with any of that, but he knows that a lot of kinksters perceive a collar as being a big symbol of commitment, like a wedding ring, and he doesn’t want other women to think he’s unavailable.  I said that if he hits on someone and she asks “aren’t you with perversecowgirl?” he can just say “we’re seeing each other but we’re not monogamous” – problem solved.  He said the problem is that a lot of women wouldn’t ask in the first place.

So basically he worries that if he and I look too attached, he might not be able to get laid by other women as easily.  Hitherto-unknown women who might secretly be interested in him will assume he’s taken and not ask about it, so he’ll never know they’re interested/never be able to refute their assumptions/never end up having sex with them.

Now, The Bunny has been affectionate with me in public.  When we’ve bumped into acquaintances of his while out and about, he’s introduced me to them while still having his arm around me.  And to me, a collar is just an accessory that gives me a nice little handle to pull a dude around by; I don’t much care whether The Bunny wears one.  And, I asked if he was comfortable with public displays of submission because I was willing to avoid those lest it hurt his chances with other women (a lot of submissive women won’t play with a guy who ever submits, himself).  But the idea that he would avoid wearing an innocuous accessory because he’s afraid of what other people might think – or that he might avoid doing something fun with the person he is dating in order to impress possible dates he hasn’t even met yet – still somehow pisses me right the fuck off.

I am aware, of course, that The Bunny has tripped over my baggage from The Pedant.  As an isolated incident this discussion with The Bunny is only mildly perturbing, but on the heels of my two years with The Pedant – who evangelized about ethical nonmonogamy all the time but made me act utterly platonic with him if we were anywhere where we might see someone he knew – it’s just infuriating.  The depressive part of my brain is exaggerating things, whispering to me that I’m doomed to date boys who won’t ever want to acknowledge that we’re dating.

I wrote The Bunny an angry, speechifying text stating that my philosophy is to be as publicly affectionate and connected with my partners as I want to be, and if this loses me some other potential partners, so be it – it seems backward to neglect a current partner in order to impress people I don’t even know yet.  Then I told him I was having a big rage that wasn’t entirely about him and I needed some time to process.

The Bunny handled all of this with surprising grace.  He said he was sorry I had ragey feelings and encouraged me to talk about them.  He also clarified that he understands where I’m coming from and has no problems being affectionate etc., he just has a hard time figuring out how to communicate our situation clearly to everyone.  Which, okay, he’s new to poly; he’s still navigating.  So I’m trying to cut him some slack.  It wouldn’t surprise me if there are other underlying feelings about the collar thing, too, and the whole “I don’t want people to think we’re in a serious relationship” thing is just one layer, or a rationalization.

And he’s not a hypocrite like The Pedant was; The Pedant spouted off shit about how ethical nonmonogamy is the only rational way to have relationships, but then conducted himself like he was sneaking around. The Bunny, conversely, is kind of in “dating around” mode and I was like “well, I’m poly so I’m fine with whatever other people you’re fucking, and in fact would prefer to know about them” and he was like “cool.”  He never actually said that he would start conducting himself polywise.  And at first I assumed that we’d act a bit distant in public, precisely so he would look available.  But he started being more and more publicly affectionate with me and this led me to believe (since I know he’s also still seeing other people) that we’d become a poly couple.  But I guess there’s a limit on his comfort level.  And really, it’s not so unreasonable for him to want to avoid looking deeply, monogamously committed to me.  We’re not monogamously committed.  If he gave me a ring that looked like a wedding ring I’d be hesitant to wear it for the same reason – nothing to do with The Bunny, just me not wanting to inadvertently misrepresent myself.

So things are probably fine.  I took a break from The Bunny for a while and vented to some friends and took some deep breaths.  The Bunny and I made some innocuous small talk just now via text (he started it – feeling antsy that I’d been silent for hours, I guess) but I didn’t fill him in on why I was pissed; I think I need some quiet time and a good sleep before I broach that subject.  Probably tomorrow I’ll explain why I was bothered and that I’m mostly over it.

I kind of want to suggest that The Bunny give me a relationship status on FetLife: “polyamorous with perversecowgirl.”  That way, if some chick in the BDSM community gets a crush on him and stalks him online, she’ll see that he’s available without having to ask and without The Bunny having to explain a bunch of shit.  But I feel as though he would actually interpret that suggestion as possessiveness on my part.  It’s not; I would be suggesting linking our profiles together in order for him to look more available, not less.

I’ll admit that after so long with The Pedant, who seemed to want to keep me a dirty secret, it would be tremendously gratifying for a boy to want to announce to the world that we’re seeing each other.  I want to feel that he’s proud to be with me.  But that’s still not the same as possessiveness.

On a whole other note, I have a date with someone else tomorrow – a 44 year old sub who seems, on paper, as though our kinks would be really compatible – so I need to go to bed.  It’s been a really rough night and I’m exhausted.


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3 responses to “Bleh.

  1. trillian

    It’s been New Year here just now (exploding things and damn church bells) so I might be stupidly outing some champagne-fuelled thoughts…But all of a sudden it occured to me that this recurring problem with needing to be *cough* “acknowledged” by a man-partner could have to do with our fathers? I know it sounds – and probably is – kitchen psychology, but I seem to follow this pattern so much. I.e. I DO want to be independent but if someone does not seem to be want to attached/needing me like at all – I totally freak out.

    My dad always critisised and had expectations. But then left us for good. Regardless how hard I tried to be a good girl.

    It’s like: be who you are and you’ll be liked, you’re a great person and blabla. But sorry hun I’m going anyways, I have some better things to do now.

    I HATE IT! AndI apologise if I’m just projecting it. But it feels the same way. Fun fact: as soon as I have someone devoted/dedicated, I feel I could or should go on my own, I can’t be attached this much. Just bloody stupid, this whole whatevergamy.

    • The idea that being rejected by the first male figure in one’s life might cause issues with men later seems legit to me. I don’t know that my turmoil here is particularly caused by father issues, though.

      I had my first boyfriend when I was 17; we went to high school together. He wouldn’t let me hold his hand in the hallways. “No, I’m not embarrassed to be seen with you. I just don’t want my classmates to see us holding hands or they’ll laugh at me.” Um, okay…

      After that guy, I had a boyfriend who only lasted about two weeks; no big deal. Then with my third boyfriend I fell in love for the first time, hardcore. A year in, the relationship had gone downhill and I didn’t know what to do so I read his diary looking for clues about what he thought of me. The entries from the very beginning of our relationship said that he found me interesting personality-wise but I dressed so badly that he felt embarrassed to be seen with me.

      Those are the things that came up for me, immediately, when The Bunny said he didn’t want to look like he was committed to me. Because fuck that, I am done being with people who are ashamed of me. There are guys out there who would be thrilled to call me theirs; I don’t have to put up with bullshit.

      But I do think I was overreacting. The Bunny seems quite happy to be seen with me; he’ll happily put his arm around me or squeeze my hand in front of his friends. He’s just not ready to have people think we’re married (or, y’know…kink-married) when we’re not.

      On a side note, can I still have “daddy issues” if I stopped loving my father or giving a shit whether he loves me over two decades ago? Because I feel like the “daddy issues” stereotype is a girl who loves and looks up to her neglectful father and is dying for him to notice her. 😛

  2. Pingback: Cracks | hiding in plain sight

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