Sigh.

Got another example today of The Bunny’s male gazey-ness.  He texted me that Sears had some sexy stuff on sale; Sears to me is a stuffy, staid store for old people.  So:

Me: “Sexy” is NOT a word I associate with Sears…

Bunny: Hey, I find stockings sexy. 😛

Me: Ah, right.  I forgot about their hosiery department.

Bunny: Hmph!

Me: Well, why would *I* think of stockings when someone says the word “sexy”?  I’m a straight girl.*

Bunny: What does straight have to factor into this? 

[FACEPALM]

Me: Straight girl matters because it means stockings are a thing I’ve experienced more from the inside than as a viewer.  When someone says “stockings” my first thought is to remember the odd tension of the garter belt on my hips and thighs and the little clasp things digging into my thigh meat when I sit down.

Bunny: Hmm.  You find a lot of femme things painful it would seem.

Me: You know how sensitive my skin is.

…And then the conversation detoured.

But srsly, you guys.  Srsly.  If someone says “this store has sexy things on sale” why would my brain default to picturing what other people think of as sexy rather than what I find sexy?  

If I’m not attracted to women (lingerie-clad or not), the thought of stockings on a woman is not going to evoke a visceral arousal reaction for me – and stockings are overwhelmingly worn by women**.  Also the fact that I’ve worn the fuckers myself and found them mildly uncomfortable would take away from any sexiness they might have held for me.  I can’t get into a purely voyeuristic headspace with pictures of women because I am a woman so to a certain extent I will identify with the woman in the pictures, including thinking about how her outfit would feel if I were wearing it.  This shouldn’t be a difficult concept, dammit!

The fact that The Bunny assumes that “sexy” and “sexy to most straight men” are synonymous concepts just bugs the shit out of me.  I can’t even.  It depresses me that good, non-misogynist boys can still have these huuuuge blind spots of entitlement.  

 

 

 

 

*This might be “rounding up” a bit…occasionally I feel like I might be attracted to a woman.  But for argument’s sake let’s just say I’m straight.

**I’ve actually never had any of my boys wear stockings and garters, believe it or not; I figured the garter belt would just fall down without curvy hips to hold it up.

6 Comments

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6 responses to “Sigh.

  1. Christina

    From an outside perspective, I would take this as his saying that there’s stuff on sale that *he* finds sexy. If he were into, say, spatulas, and just happened to mention that there was a sale on “sexy stuff” at a kitchen store, whose gaze would that be? His.

    Now I’m going to be blunt, but this is with all the love. I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, and I think you blow this shit way out of proportion in order to distance yourself and maintain your rage. Also, many of your attitudes about dominance and getting your way during sex (even though you revert to stereotypical femme passivity in often not asking for what you want and the anxiety-fueled problem of assuming rather than asking) are analogous to stereotypical male sexual self-centeredness. You seem to be somewhat flexible in practice, but the “I only want to do what I want” vibe is very strong.

    Try thinking of your partners as individuals, rather than as individual representations of “men” or “women” as a whole. Reflexive gender-blaming politics just perpetuates the problem.

    • From an outside perspective, I would take this as his saying that there’s stuff on sale that *he* finds sexy.

      I know it’s not clear from how I’ve written it here, but he was definitely bringing the whole thing up because it was relevant to both of us. This wasn’t “today I went shopping and it was fun,” (in which case I would indeed have taken a mention of sexiness to mean stuff he likes) it was “hey guess what, I bought sexy things for us” kind of thing. And so I was wracking my brain thinking “Sears doesn’t sell sex toys, so…….really nice sheets, maybe? A new bed? I got nothin’.” I was assuming, by his wording, that he was talking about something we’d both enjoy equally.

      By contrast, if I bought something for him to wear for the sole purpose of turning me on, I would not phrase things like he did. I’d probably say “I bought you something. Well, actually I bought me something. But it’s for you to wear.” 😀

      I think you blow this shit way out of proportion in order to distance yourself and maintain your rage.

      To an extent I do seek out injustices to get angry about, yeah (https://perversecowgirl.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/holding-an-intervention-for-myself/). But in this case I didn’t seek anything out – it came to me. And I definitely don’t want to distance myself from The Bunny…it’s more like I’m feeling really close to him and this incident reminded me that in some ways we’re worlds apart and it made me sad.

      I will admit that how much stuff like this bugs me will vary depending on whether I’m feeling depressed at the time, and I’ve been a little “off” lately. So I might be blowing this out of proportion a little bit. I maintain, though, that there is an issue here. It’s not nothing.

      Also, many of your attitudes about dominance and getting your way during sex…are analogous to stereotypical male sexual self-centeredness.

      And me wanting to be the protagonist of my own sex life is bad because…?

  2. Andy

    I am just gonna side step the whole comment up there because I haven’t slept in like 2934808 hours to mention that I have definitely seen men wearing garter belts. They make adjustable ones, which might work better on guys, if you’re particularly worried. And there are also always corsets with attached garters hanging off the ends (though those can be a bit tricky to fit for other reasons related to torso height). So it’s conceivably possible that The Bunny, knowing your love of men-in-lingerie, thought you would appreciate stockings from the point of view of a (straight) woman looking at them on a man.

    But yes, in general I find it hilarious(ly sad) how little guys think about whether or not girls get a sexual charge out of wearing all this fetish stuff–and I say that as a woman who LOVE, LOVE, LOVES to wear lingerie during sexy times. I figure men should think of it like this: in the absence of pressure to do otherwise the percentage of women who would get themselves up in sexy lingerie is about equal to the percentage of *men* who would do likewise. And how many men get themselves done up in sexy lingerie? QED.

    • I did buy Minx a weird combined panty/garters/stockings thing back in the day and it stayed up okay – I forgot about that. I think I generally prefer elastic topped “stay-ups” on boys, though. It’s magical to me how (on a guy with fairly wiry/muscular legs, at least) they stay perfectly in place without rolling or muffin-topping.

      But yes, in general I find it hilarious(ly sad) how little guys think about whether or not girls get a sexual charge out of wearing all this fetish stuff

      Yes, THIS. Many dudes conflate “this woman looks sexy to me right now” with “this woman is aroused right now” which is…all kinds of problematic.

  3. This is just to note that as a woman who IS into women (occasionally including women in lingerie), I have this exact same damn problem with stockings! Though maybe not so much the kind with garters as the pantyhose kind…I just get a visceral Do Not Want from them because of how unfuckingcomfortable they are for me to wear. So you can imagine that pantyhose as a fetish among male subs drives me up a tree. Heh.

    And yeah, agreed about never being able to quite get totally voyeuristic about gorgeous women. Maybe that’s why I enjoy a lot more visual porn involving men? (I’m bisexual.) Hmm.

    More lingerie sets should lack stockings (and heels!), I feel.

    • My ex husband had a pantyhose fetish and I tried to cater to it once in a while. Nowadays pantyhose are a hard limit for me. I think my skin’s gotten more sensitive as I get older or something…I’ll do stockings and garters on occasion, but not full-on pantyhose or tights.

      Huh, so even a woman who’s had sex with other women can’t entirely detach from that identification/empathy thing…interesting. I wondered whether perhaps it’s different for actual experienced bi-chicks. Thanks for your input!

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