A month or two ago, I was at The Bunny’s house ’til pretty late and said something like “Jeez, I should go. I’m getting sleepy and I don’t wanna doze off and wake up after the buses have stopped.”
The Bunny put on a jokey-petulant voice and said “No! My bed! Mine!” and I thought, okay, I guess he’s definitely not into the prospect of sleepovers. And I’ve been operating under that assumption ever since.
Mind you, at the time I didn’t really want to sleep next to The Bunny, either (I wasn’t hinting that I wanted to stay there – I was literally saying “I’d better go because I don’t want to accidentally get stuck here all night”). But since then I’ve begun to feel closer to him, and also I’m leaving his place after 1am half the time and have to run to catch the last bus…it would be really convenient if I could just sleep over instead. But I like sleeping alone, too, and I don’t wanna push The Bunny into anything he’s not ready for. So I haven’t brought the subject up.
But we have a date to go clubbing, and when we were texting about it, this happened:
Me: I figure we’ll aim to be at our destination for 10pm.
Bunny: Okie doodles. What’s the plan following?
[He’s…asking me what I want to do after leaving the club at like 1-2am? That’s odd – I don’t think he’s the go-clubbing-all-night-and-then-find-an-after-hours place kind of guy, and I’m sure he knows I’m not, either. So…could this be a sleepover invitation….?]
Me [subtly trying to draw out his true intentions]: I had not thought that far ahead. Suggestions?
Bunny: Well, it will be late, and I didn’t have anything much planned.
[Dammit, Cryptic Boy is Cryptic. I think he must be doing that thing of backing off and letting me initiate. Guess it’s up to me to talk plainly about this.]
Me: I’d invite myself back to your place but you made a comment once indicating that you like your bed to yourself. 🙂
Bunny: Oh I have no issues sharing.
Me: Guess you did that night. 🙂 So “My bed! MINE!” is not a permanent policy, then?
Bunny: Oh hells no. I’m sorry for the miscommunication.
…And we established that I will be staying the night. I wonder how long he’s wanted me to do that but just didn’t want to be the one to mention it?
On a related note, the last time I was going to come see The Bunny, he asked if I’d be eating first. I said yes because I didn’t want to inconvenience him but, duh, if he didn’t want to feed me, he wouldn’t have offered! The Bunny likes to cook, has taken an interest in learning my food preferences and allergies, and also seems to want to be my submissive. I need to get out of my own way and let him do things for me!
After the conversation about me staying overnight, we went off on a tangent about kinky stuff and The Bunny opened up to me about some stuff he’s interested in exploring. In the past I feel like he’s been really closed-off about discussing his interests; it’s gratifying that he’s beginning to share things with me now. Granted, a lot of our discussion was “I’ve thought about trying [dynamic] but I have no real idea of what to do or why I’d like it” but admitting you don’t know what you want is a kind of vulnerability in and of itself (and ohhh, a vulnerable man is sexy…). And I asked a bunch of clarifying questions that I think helped The Bunny figure some things out, so that’s satisfying.
Here’s a fascinating thing: I’ve been cautious about really trusting The Bunny to submit to me, largely because when I’ve asked him whether he wants to submit or just bottom he always said he didn’t really know*. Maybe to an extent I’m being a bit of a switch-o-phobe, too, I dunno. I’m trying to trust that just because he sometimes likes to dominate doesn’t mean he can’t submit, but it’s hard to get my head around because my own orientation is so one-sided. Also, The Bunny has an aura of calm competence and self-worth, and I am not saying a submissive man can’t be that way – I crave a submissive man who’s like that!!! – but it does make it really hard to picture him doing servile things. Like, I’ll ask how he feels about some particular dynamic or activity and he’ll be like “I’m willing to try that” but it feels like he must be kidding me. I can’t get my head around it.
But one of the things he mentioned a vague interest in was puppy play. He couldn’t tell me what he liked about it or how he’d want a scene to go down, though, so:
Me: Let’s start with: how would you want it to make you feel?
Bunny: Like I’m being used. [See, I did not expect that. I want to “use” and objectify The Bunny more than I have been, but I can never tell whether he’d be into it…]
Me: In a mean way?
Bunny: In whatever way the person who made me a puppy felt like doing within the hard limits.
Me [trying to get a better handle on The Bunny’s thought process]: So it doesn’t matter whether I praise you as a good boy or seem continually dissatisfied like the dommes in porn? Both are good?
Bunny: Well as you say, where’s the fun if someone’s never going to be satisfied. There’s going to be some disappointment needing correction for sure.
Me: Okay, so more toward feeling like you did a good job in the end, even if there was mean treatment along the way.
I think I have a handle on what The Bunny wants, now. And it’s making me weak in the knees. 😀
*It’s entirely possible for a dude to be submissive and just not know it yet; I get that. But as it happens, I have never played with an inexperienced guy and had it work out well. Even noobs who do say they’re submissive, they want to be controlled, I can “do whatever I want” to them, etc., usually want this control to take a very specific (*cough*porny*cough*) form, and they dislike the things I want to do. So I’m really damn gun-shy now.