So, I recently did a craft fair. It was at a pub, with live music. That’s the second craft fair I’ve done that had people playing music nearby. I don’t think I’ll do it again, or not unless the music is very low key and unmiked/unamped. It was too loud at this thing. I couldn’t talk to customers properly and the combination of dealing with constant loud noise and covering my social anxiety with a thick layer of gregarious customer service schtick overtaxed my meagre emotional resources so much that I had a big cry when I got home.
Well, maybe I was partly crying because when I counted my money at the end of the night, there wasn’t enough and I don’t know why. I always take a float with me of $100. I would estimate that I’d brought in at least $60 at this craft gig. And yet repeated countings of the contents of my money belt came to $125.
It is entirely possible that I was simply so exhausted that I miscounted several times in a row. That feels to me like the only thing it could be, actually. The money belt was never left unattended and even if I accidentally gave some people back too much change, I would not have made enough mistakes to amount to $35+. Anyway, I hope I actually did end up with all the money I was supposed to and my hanging-by-a-thread mind just kept counting twenty dollar bills as fives, or something.
I’d invited The Bunny to come out and see me; he’d said “maybe,” which I assumed really meant “No, I have no interest in going to a strange place to hear bands I don’t care about and look at crafts.” That’s a pretty reasonable stance; I was disappointed, but not angry. But he did come, and he spent over an hour hanging out with me. It was awkward, in a way, because it was too loud to really talk (sometimes I feel like he and I don’t have much to talk about, anyway; our connection seems mostly physical) so we just kinda stood around. Sometimes one of us would playfully bonk into the other one, or make other excuses to touch each other. I pinched his cheek at one point and he observed that my hand was freezing; he ended up sandwiching each of my hands between his to warm them up. D’awwwww.
(I just texted him to thank him again for coming out. He said “You are quite welcome. It was good to see all the stuff you mention you make.” D’awwwww!!!!!)
Here’s the other awkward thing: Minx was at that gig assisting me. I’d mentioned The Bunny to Minx, but never directly said I was seeing/sexing him; I’m pretty sure I referred to him as “my friend [Bunny]” or “[Bunny], that guy I met on FetLife.” I wasn’t sure whether she’d sussed out that these were euphemisms.
Minx seems highly uncomfortable with the idea of me dating or fucking anyone. She doesn’t have the guts to tell me not to talk about stuff (except that one time, and that was only after I called her out on her passive aggression) but she’ll never, ever ask me if I have someone in my life, or ask me to clarify whether someone I’m talking about is a friend or partner or what. And when I talk about any guy who’s not established in her mind as a platonic friend, she gives absolutely minimal replies; she clearly just doesn’t want to know what’s up. I got the hint and don’t really talk about that stuff with her anymore, which is why I was vague about who The Bunny is to me (I only mentioned him at all because there was an anecdote I wanted to tell about his cat, if I recall).
But I’m guessing MInx picked up on the nature of The Bunny’s and my relationship right away because she mumbled a “hello” during initial introductions and then sat staring straight ahead, completely ignoring us, for the entire time The Bunny was there. Minx is normally a shy-but-friendly type; had The Bunny been someone I wasn’t seeing, I think she would have attempted conversation.
I’ve heard that when you’re selling stuff at a craft fair or whatever, it’s best to stand up – you look more engaged and energetic. So I did that, and since my table at the event came with two chairs, The Bunny sat in “my” chair…between me and stoic, awkward Minx. I reached past him a couple of times to give her a shoulder rub or play with her hair so she wouldn’t feel ignored; yes, I am completely within my rights to be dating someone new and to have him to one of my events, but it’s still not cool to ignore my friends in favour of a boy, so I was trying to find a balance. When The Bunny left, Minx’s demeanour immediately lightened and we just hung out, had fun, and made small talk without her mentioning The Bunny whatsoever.
Tangent: some older guy at this pub kept coming up to talk to me and standing way too close. 😦 As Minx and I were packing up, he offered to buy us a drink; when I said no thank you, he was like “Come on, no strings attached, I’d just really like to have a drink with you.” He said some variation on that phrase like five times before we were finally packed up and able to leave. And y’know…maybe he wasn’t wanting to buy us drinks with the expectation of anything but conversation. I think he was pretty inebriated, and drunk people can be very gregarious and generous and also annoyingly touchy-feely without it really meaning anything. But I didn’t want a damn drink – I was tired and hungry and only like to drink when I’m dancing, anyway – so I wish he’d just shut up about it. On a side note, I wonder what the deal was with him offering both of us a drink? Did he perceive Minx as female*, or was he genuinely just trying to be friendly, or what? Maybe he assumed Minx and I were dating but was hitting on me anyway, and just kind of incorporated Minx into this drink-buying plan to buy himself more time to hit on me (I’ve had this happen before). I dunno. People are weird.
I wonder sometimes whether Minx wants me back. Certainly she seems to try hard to impress me when we’re together; she gives me massages and only rarely asks for any in return, she brings me glasses of water and sometimes cooks me food (when she’s visiting me…), etc. She seems upset by the idea of me seeing anyone new. She’s been making a point, lately, of letting me know she finds e attractive (she has a running gag where if I tell any kind of story about being naked, she’ll make a show of getting all distracted picturing the nakedness and then kinda shaking her head to clear it.) There was the incident a few months back where she tried to kiss me goodbye on the lips.
But it also seems feasible that she knows we don’t work together and is not vying for any kind of change to our friendship. Really, I think we have all the best parts of our former relationship right now, and none of the bad parts: we have the cuddling and the banter and the fun. There’s no reason to fix what ain’t broken. I think Minx knows this.
*A note for people new here: Minx is trans, and not on any hormones yet or comfortable being “out” to everyone. She’d come to this gig straight from work and was therefore presenting as a boy: pants, t-shirt, no boobs, no makeup. But she is very slight, shorter than I am, and has long hair; people have sometimes read her as female at first glance even back when she identified as, and presented as, a boy. Probably especially when I was next to her, being all tall n shit and making her look daintier by contrast.