Boy (and girl) thoughts.

Things with The Bunny are so refreshingly easy.  Normally there seems to be a lot more crap when I’m seeing someone – they’re too flaky for me to ever meet them in person, or I meet them but don’t know if I’m attracted to them, or they send mixed messages, or something.  Admittedly with The Bunny I wasn’t sure of my attraction at first.  But generally, things are going so wonderfully smoothly.  We met and just kinda…started seeing each other.

He’s exactly the right amount of clingy for my personal tastes: he texts me every single day to see how I’m doing – and if I don’t answer for a while he might just send me a “:P” to get my attention and prompt me into responding – but he doesn’t bitch about my silences or make bitter assumptions about why I’m silent (honestly, I think he near-constant conversations with me are less about his interest in me and more about being bored at work…).   He avidly reads everything I post on FetLife, and might ask me about some of it, but doesn’t get overly paranoid about it (apparently I’ve mentioned my love of visible sixpacks on guys numerous times in various discussion groups. 😛  The Bunny has no sixpack, only a keg.  But he remains pleasingly confident in his desirability, as well he should).

I didn’t have intercourse with him the first bunch of times I saw him, and he didn’t so much as point it out – but when I decided I wanted to, he went along with it perfectly cheerfully.  He bought me a couple of pairs of stockings (because he has a stocking fetish, but still; now I have some fun tools to manipulate him with, and I didn’t have to spend any money.  And he asked me what my stocking preferences were ahead of time, so I even got some input into the purchase).  Now he says he has something else to give me the next time he sees me.  I am intrigued. 😀

We do have some negotiating to do.  I mentioned a while back that I love the idea of orgasm control; soon after that, he offered, unprompted, to abstain from masturbation until the next time I saw him.  After that visit I asked him to keep abstaining and to edge himself every morning before work.  A few days later, via text, it came up that he hadn’t been doing this; he felt the need for release for whatever reason and wanted to take a time out from our arrangement for a day or two before getting back into the whole abstinence thing.  I was like “Okay, but if you want a dynamic where you’re submitting to me, you can’t just not do what I’ve asked.  You have to come to me so we can discuss it.”  He said “understood” and proposed we have a good long talk about this stuff the next time we get together.  I hope we can work something out that pleases us both.

Meanwhile, I got to thinking about The Pedant last night because I was hanging out with The Social Worker, who mentioned that he sees The Pedant all the time (TSW works in the building where The Pedant is a security guard).  I barely think about The Pedant these days, mind you, because I’m busy with The Bunny and with work and art and stuff.  But I revisited the situation last night in my  head and yeah, I’m still annoyed.

A recap: I reached a breaking point with regards to our relationship – it seemed to me that he was behaving as though he wasn’t into me anymore – and I sent him kind of an “are you in this or not?!” email.  He did not respond.  I got freaked out, wondering if my wording had been too harsh the first time, and sent kind of a half-aplology letter the next day, explaining myself a bit; no response.  I sent a third email a day or two later inviting him to come over and talk about it all in person if that would be easier for him (because I know he has a hard time formulating answers to difficult emails).  A few more days went by and he still hadn’t replied whatsoever – not even to say “I received your message(s) and will reply as soon as I’m able.”  In the meantime, I saw from Facebook that he’d gone out with friends to some social event – so he obviously wasn’t being silent because he was too busy to do anything but work and sleep.  He knew I was having a panic attack about our relationship and needed reassurance…and he went out to some sic fi con thing and partied it up without giving me the slightest regard.  That seemed like a pretty big and obvious “fuck you” so I wrote one final email saying thanks, I get it, we’re obviously done.

A few days later (nine days after my initial email requesting reassurance) he writes back finally, saying – among other things – that he was not silent as any kind of blow off (and was offended that I’d think that of him); he just has a really hard time formulating proper responses to tricky/emotional emails, and really can’t deal with it if someone piles on even more emails before he’s even dealt with the first one.  And he said he wanted to continue being with me, but if I needed [things I did not ask for and I do not know why he thinks I did], he is not willing to provide them and would have no hard feelings about me leaving.

I wrote him back telling him precisely what I needed from him but wasn’t getting.  I suppose my overall wording was ambiguous; it was not definitely a breakup email, but not definitely an “I want to work things out” email, either.  I wanted to wait and see how he chose to interpret it; whether he wanted to work on things with me, or was perfectly willing to throw everything away.

That last email I wrote him?  Was on October 4th.  It is now December 2nd and still no response.  My thoughts, in no particular order:

  • I know you said it takes you a long time to formulate replies, but this seems excessive…I think you have in fact officially Stopped Talking To Me.  But how can I actually know this?  What’s the statute of limitations here?
  • You said you’d never just vanish on me without a word, motherfucker.  Whatever happened to that?
  • I could write and ask wtf is going on and where we stand, but that would constitute piling on additional emotional emails, and I am trying to respect your wishes and make things easier for you.
  • I could almost certainly pretend all the emotional shit never happened and just start texting and emailing again all platonic-like, and be well-received.  But the main issue I had with our relationship is that you were always too chickenshit to initiate scary/difficult/awkward conversations…so I do not want to issue a Get Out of Jail Free card here.  If you think of our relationship as done because you aren’t willing to work on it, use your fucking words.  If you want to be friends with me, use your fucking words.


And finally, Minx and I have continued spending a fair bit of time together.  It’s weird; my romantic love for her is totally gone, and my attraction to her is mostly gone, but somehow my physical comfort around her remains in a way that it usually does not, with exes.  We had a sleepover the other night with massages and spooning (all clothed) and it was nice.

Here’s a funny thing, though: Minx has mentioned the following things about her roommate, in passing:

  • Roommate has not been paying her part of the utility bills in months, and is often late with her half of the rent.
  • Minx is afraid to keep food in the house because Roommate tends to mooch it.
  • Once, Roommate specifically begged Minx to buy her some groceries; Minx did, and then saw that Roommate actually had tons of nonperishable goods in the cupboard.  “Those are for emergencies, though,” Roommate said.  Minx was like “Isn’t being out of all your other food an emergency?”  “No,” she said, “I mean an emergency like a zombie apocalypse or natural disaster.”
  • Minx will sometimes go all day without eating because she doesn’t want to leave her room and risk bumping into Roommate.
  • Roommate recently invited her brother to stay for a few days; they’ve been smoking pot constantly, so much so that Minx is getting high on the second-hand smoke and co-workers have commented that she smells like weed.  She asked Roommate and her brother to please cut back.  They didn’t.  (Although apparently they have now – possibly because Minx got the landlord to intervene?  I don’t remember the exact story.)

So, that happened.  And yet Minx generally describes their relationship as pretty good, and says he’s happy enough with the living arrangements.

When Minx and I were living together, I did not do any of those things.  Our biggest issue seemed to be that she wished I’d tidy up more often.  And yet, she:

  • Made sweeping untrue generalizations (I never clean the apartment, I’m always saying negative things about people);
  • Once told me in casual, conversational tones, after we’d made up from a fight (that she started…) that she didn’t know why we were even together;
  • Randomly announced an intention of breaking up with me approximately every six months for a year or two;
  • Told me out of the blue one day that she was moving out of our apartment because she felt I had an abusive, violent streak (there is no evidence to support this) and she was scared of living with me in case I snapped one day and beat her.*

So, Roommate is an insensitive, irresponsible, freeloading ass but she’s an okay person and Minx likes living with her.  I, meanwhile, was nothing but good to Minx (and actually volunteered to take on more than my share of the rent for the first year or so that she lived here) and I was an abusive monster who never cleaned, let her socialize with others, said anything nice to anyone, or had any redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Now that Minx and I are just friends, she’s suddenly all sweet and attentive again and doesn’t seem to have any issues with me.  But I will never fall for her again, and the above is why.

*But don’t worry!  She literally forgot her entire accusation the very next day.  I mentioned it and she got a blank look and I ended up having to show her the email she’d sent me about it to refresh her memory.  She read it like she’d never seen it before and said “Oh.  I guess I did say that.”  Wheeeeeeeeee!


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3 responses to “Boy (and girl) thoughts.

  1. jooyous

    I’m still of the opinion that the fear and horror of violence was an excuse to be the victim of the break-up. “You’re breaking up with ME?! Well I’ve … uhh … been afraid of you all this time, so there!”

    • I was talking to my ex husband about this shortly after it happened and he offered the theory that Minx was looking for something to focus her anxiety issues on – something that would legitimize them so it wouldn’t look like she was just a freak who was constantly anxious for no reason – and so she randomly latched on to the idea that I was dangerous. And then she’d forget about it for weeks and months at a time when other “life issues” stole the focus, but during good parts of her life, when there was no obvious source of stress going on, she’d come back to the “Cowgirl is dangerous” thing as a reason why she felt the way she did.

      This theory seems totally feasible to me, but who the fuck knows? Your thing might be right, too.

      • jooyous

        Yeah, I think either way it sounds like it was an excuse for something. Because when people actually feel like they’re in danger, they don’t forget about it later. I think?

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