Texting with The Bunny

Last week, The Bunny and I were texting and he mentioned that he’d bought some mason jars.  This ensued:

Me: Mason jars?  Will you be canning fruit for the winter?

Bunny: Nope.  Stretching vaginas.  [NB: The Bunny is a switch.]

Me: Owwwww.  (Wouldn’t something inflatable work better?)  [I’m not actually believing him, you understand.  Just playing along.]

Bunny: But I can fill the jars with stuff.  Come now, be practical about these things.  Also incentive not to break my jars or get pointy glass where you don’t want it.

Me: Fill the jar with speculums.  That would be SO META.  Or jellybeans and then use the chick as a snack dish while you surf the internet and otherwise ignore her.

Bunny: Such a mean woman you are.  Although I did get mason jars, they will not be assaulting vaginal openings.

Me: I kinda figured. 😛

Bunny: And if I was being serious after all?

Me: You seem like a person who cares about safety precautions, plus you’d be having your mason jar adventure with someone else, so what do I care?

Bunny: I would think my level of cruelty would have been scary.

Me: I was assuming you’d work up to the jar, not fire it out of a cannon straight into her hitherto-neglected bajingo.

Bunny: That would be being nice… [Why does he appear to be trying to scare me?  Guys have done this sort of thing before and I do not understand what they’re fishing for.]

Me: I also assumed you’d be playing with a partner who was into crazy insertion play and pretty psyched about it, ergo it wouldn’t be cruelty.  Am I wrong?  Would you actually jar-rape someone? [His bluff: I am calling it.]

Bunny: I’m very restrained with my malicious tendencies.

Me: And I’m a good judge of character.  So there you go.

I’m annoyed at the apparent manipulation here, and I don’t get the point of it.  Was he testing me to see if I’d jump to conclusions about him?  Trying to scare me because my fear would titillate him?  Testing me for jealousy or prudishness?  I just don’t know.  And honestly, ten years ago a “joke” like this would’ve been deeply offputting to me and possibly even scared me off.  Now, though, I trust my gut a lot more, and my gut tells me he’s an ethical person who respects limits and asks for consent; even if he has a huge sadistic streak (which I don’t actually know) he won’t be trying to use it on me.  Why, though, was he briefly trying to act all scary and shit?

Last night, I asked The Bunny (again via text) whether he would ever do something he didn’t enjoy, strictly for his partner’s benefit.  This led to a tangent in which he said he hates the word “compromise” and refuses to use it.  He said the word grates on him because it implies that the person doing the compromising has been forced into it/lost the fight/whatever (see also the usage “the ship’s hull had been compromised” or “the integrity of the boat is compromised.”).  The Bunny, therefore, will not compromise with someone; rather, he will come to a consensus with them.

A quote from that conversation: “…Because you can’t say ‘I’m going to compromise your vagina’ in any way that’s positive.  But you can say ‘let’s come to a consensus with our crotches.”

Generally – aside from the mason jar conversation, which was just odd – I am finding him increasingly smart and adorable.  I hope things with him keep on progressing and being awesome. 😀


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10 responses to “Texting with The Bunny

  1. Andy

    To me, it seems like The Bunny was playing a game of kinkier-than-though/freak-out-the-normals (where “normal” is relative. It’s a bad habit, definitely, but I think one that basically every kinky person falls into at one time or another) and when you didn’t seem impressed (“you’d be having your mason jar adventure with someone else, so what do I care?”), you broke the script he was playing out in his head. Then he didn’t know what to say, so he just tried to ratchet up the ante as quickly as possible to get back his cool points.

    • Ah. That sounds feasible.

      He should know better than to play kinkier-than-thou with me. Maybe he confused me being squeamish about some of the stuff in his porn (it’s hard for me to watch a woman get her breasts bound, for instance, because I kinda get sympathy pains) with me being shocked by those things and/or thinking that nobody should do them. He forgets that I also frequently yelled out suggestions for activities at the screen. I have a twisted imagination and am not easily shocked.

      • Andy

        Ah, kinkier-than-thou isn’t a game one usually rationally decides to engage in. It’s just a bad habit.

        But now that I think about it, hell, he could also have been saying it admiringly, like, “Wow, it’s so cool to meet a woman who doesn’t think this is scary.” I have no idea. Stupid text-only communication with no vocal inflection. If you’re really curious, you’ll have to ask him I guess.

  2. Vy

    In my experience, the kinkier-than-thou game is definitely a thing you get acclimatized to in the kink scene (one of many reasons that I don’t play “on the scene” anymore, I just fuck and date people who also happily come to “crotch consensus” with me in an altogether “unorganized” fashion, and am the happier for it) — it’s part of the social structure of every fetish scene I’ve personally encountered. I think it comes from a place that means well — since kink scenes tend to be nerdy, nerds get really excited when people share their fandoms (because we perceive that as a rare occurrence, and respond to the scarcity by glomming), and bond by expressing their fanning in extreme ways (substitute this conversation for “imagined schematics for the TARDIS” and you’ll immediately get what I’m saying) — so there’s both “oh my god a rare thing is happening, savor it AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE” and also “i am showing you my social worth by being more extreme and therefore better than the general population/you/other people around us”. But in the kink scene, as opposed to when people squee over Doctor Who, it goes from “kind of irritating” to “kind of rapey” and there’s just not a lot of space for people to discuss that. I would go with your gut on this one for sure, and chalk it up contact sickness.

    • This is a good point and I love the geekiness analogy. And actually I play the “let’s see how extreme a scenario we can come up with” game, too – it’s just that when I do it, it’s not meant as a competition or to prove anything; it’s meant collaboratively. I like just sharing ideas with people. The imaginations of others can spur me to new heights and get me thinking in new ways, and I like it.

  3. gingernic

    Hm. I play this game a lot, to be honest. If someone I’m comfortable with asks something that seems to only have one possible answer, I kind of assume it’s just an attempt to keep the conversation going and will answer with absolute nonsense that is usually disturbing. It helps that most of my friends are demented enough to reply in kind (such as your “fill the jar with speculums. That would be so meta”), and it keeps things rolling.

    In this case it looks a bit like asking for reassurance after that point–like he’s wanting to hear you say he’s not a bad person for even being able to think of this, whether he’d ever do it or not. But who knows, people are hard enough to read in person, let alone over text.

    Also, “let’s come to a consensus with our crotches”? Love it!

  4. Hmmm, i find this no less upsetting for all the nice things surrounding it. Maybe because as a hitchhiker I’ve had men play this game of trying to scare me without actually threatening me straight out far too often. They always think they are being surprising & original, which they never are. But more importantly, playing such games blurs the lines between normal conversation and actual threats, and between rapists and people who don’t rape, and I find that deeply troubling. I don’t trust guys who do that at all. In the hitchhiking situation – very different, of course – I react by threatening them back (they: “aren’t you afraid to hitchhike alone as a woman? what would you do if I drove with you in this dark lonely piece of woods now?” me: “well, it is really easy to hurt someone. A lot. Especially when they can’t very well defend themselves because they are busy driving.”), and that stops it immediately. But I always wonder how these things would go if I actually got scared, if they felt that kind of power over me. Would it really end with just words? Is this a form of testing the waters, of seeing how much resistance they would have to expect from me?

    Any variation of ‘guy tries to creep woman out but then goes haha didn’t mean it’ makes me not like/trust the guy anymore. Because this shit is sadly too real in too many ways.

    • I know, he didn’t actually talk about doing anything to _you_, but he was fishing for being scary, and that’s the thing that creeps me out.

      • I totally understand your creeped-out feelings.

        But I always wonder how these things would go if I actually got scared, if they felt that kind of power over me. Would it really end with just words? Is this a form of testing the waters, of seeing how much resistance they would have to expect from me?

        In this particular case, my gut tells me he’s safe (and indeed he’s always respected my stated boundaries impeccably) and I guess this is why I’m more puzzled than creeped out. And commenters above have given some valid-sounding reasons why a person might talk like The Bunny did without actually being some kind of sexual predator. So I’m feeling okay about things.

        I’ve definitely shied away from others who’ve instigated similar conversations, though. It’s usually a big red flag.

        And if The Bunny does something like that again, I may call him out on it directly just to see what he says.

  5. uncommonmurre

    I think when people do this kind of thing they’re trying to be cool. It’s a Hollywood cultural fashion thing. These days the “mighty hero” sounds lame, the idea put up to aspire to is being a badass. A friend was commenting to me about the enormous popularity of the antihero on TV, saying that’s what people wanted, but I asked him if there was any well-written series that offered anything else; he couldn’t think of one.

    It’s certainly possible to write interesting characters who are just plain heroic, but now that’s mostly being done by industry outsiders because it’s unfashionable despite being enormously popular. Would any woman be nervous trapped in a car in the middle of nowhere with Harry Potter? J.K. Rowling still sold a few books, though.

    For my part, I’ve found that people react really well as I aspire to be the old-fashioned white-hat hero. Women always tell me how safe they feel with me, and that makes me happy. Maybe that’s easy for me to say with the martial arts and the guns. Instead of spending years at dojos and firing ranges, someone can just present as being potentially cruel. When someone tries to pull that off in the presence of a person who is not the least bit intimidated, though, it looks really pathetic.

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