Ephemera

Last night I posed for an art class.  One of the artists (who actually organizes other art classes for that same venue, but was only a guest on that particular night) clicked with me instantly in a way that rarely happens with me.  Like…we were pretty much finishing each others’ sentences.  He’s not my physical type at all – he’s a grizzled-looking dude in his 50s at least – so this is just a friend-thing for me, not a potential-dating-thing.  But the chemistry was still pretty thrilling.

The Bunny continues to be sweet and fun.  We went to the dungeon where I shamelessly made out with The Doll that time and The Bunny had me practice more ropework on him.  I’m pretty slow to pick up on stuff; mostly I’m just getting used to tying two things together, like his ankles or his wrists or one of his ankles to one of his wrists.  I can see the potential for improvisation, though, once I get the basics down.

Long, long ago, I had a bit of a domly-dom complex; I wanted to appear invulnerable and all-powerful and hated apologizing or admitting to a mistake.  I also – as I’ve mentioned before – fantasized largely about overpowering subs and making them do things (or doing things to them) that they genuinely didn’t want.  I got over that, though, and now I’m seeing how lovely it is for a sub and I to be cooperative instead of adversarial.  I’ll be like “I’m gonna try to tie your arm to your chest.”  And The Bunny willingly positions himself for me.  If I get confused, I’ll stop and ask him what to do.  If he sees me doing something suboptimal, he’ll tell me it might be better if I did _____ instead.

I hope he remains patient with me.  I think at the dungeon thing he was hoping I’d do more than just tie him up; that I’d play with him in some way.  There are two reasons why this didn’t happen.  The first is that I’m a little uncomfortable with making out, etc. in public; granted, this was a kinky-type venue, but nobody else was making out.  Everyone else present was paired up in a hetero-type fashion, but all I saw was tying up (and I heard someone on a lower floor getting smacked or paddled or something at one point).  Nobody was doing anything too…squelchy, that I could see.  I didn’t want to break some unwritten rule of etiquette.  (Although I did make out with him a little bit, finally.  He’s just so pretty…).  The second reason we didn’t really play per se is that the sight of him bound and immobilized caused a wave of desire in me so fucking massive that it didn’t have any shape.  It wasn’t an urge to do some particular thing to him.  It was just “GRRRRRRRRRRR WANT.”  I did explain all of this to The Bunny, and he seemed understanding.

I’m beginning to find his body more attractive.  I think at first he was just so unfamiliar that it threw me off.  I’m used to skinny, androgynous bodies; I’m also used to caucasian bodies, and I’m like 90% sure The Bunny is part black (someone told me it’s offensive to ask someone about their ethnic background, so I haven’t.  But yeah, my guess is part black and maybe part Asian).  So there are things about his body that are…surprising to me.  But things are settling into “normal” now.  It’s funny, though – he’s generally very stocky and masculine-looking but he’s quite a bit shorter than me – I’d say six inches or more.  I always forget this when we’re lying down, but when we’re standing up it keeps startling me all over again.  When we were waiting for the bus to go to the dungeon I actually found myself unable to hear him clearly because his voice was on a level so far below my ear.  I had to surreptitiously place my feet wider apart in order to get down a little.

I like that he doesn’t appear to be put off or threatened by my being so much taller.  I like that the race thing doesn’t appear to be an issue.  I like that when he was Hitachi-ing me the other day, he used his free hand to caress my legs and feet without me having to ask.  I like that he respects my hard limits – and that he listens to me and remembers important information in general.  I like the way he sucks my cock (and btw, I finally got to use my realistic/flesh coloured dong for the first time, the other day when I visited The Bunny.  I’ve never used a realistic cock before.  I love it.  It was amazing to look down and feel like it was an extension of my body.  I don’t think I ever want to fuck anyone with something pink or purple ever again).

And my god, he has such a pretty face.

I think he may have gotten hard a few times while I was tying him up, btw.  I could of course be wrong, though, because he was clothed at the time and is more of a show-er than a grower.

In other news, The Pedant hasn’t responded to the email I wrote him a billion years or so ago.  And I don’t know why, which is pissing me off.  My last email explained to him why our relationship wasn’t working for me, but did not definitively say “We’re done” – I left the door open for The Pedant to address my issues and offer to try to fix them.  I did, however, add that if things are done, I still want to be friends but will likely need some radio silence for a bit while I emotionally adjust to the new paradigm.  Sooooo…does he think I did break up with him and he’s respecting my wish for space?  Or is he just taking a super fucking long time to address what I’d said?

He told me before that responding to emotional emails is difficult for him and he really can’t deal with someone piling more messages on before he’s dealt with the first one.  Plus I don’t want to seem like I’m super hung up on him.  So I don’t feel that I can send him a “prompting” email asking if he considers things finished or what.  But I also don’t necessarily want to just cheerfully start interacting with him on a just-friends basis as though nothing ever happened.  Things did happen, dammit, and I want his reaction to them!

Some small part of me wants The Pedant to tell me he’s willing to work at things with me.  This would of course throw me into complete misery, since I don’t actually believe that he can change and I suspect I’d be tempted to have him try, anyway – but at least I’d feel like I mattered to him.  If he were to get back to me saying “Yeah, I’m not willing to try to give you what you need, sorry” then I’d feel as though he never really loved me and I’d cry and cry but it would give me a kind of closure.  But as long as he’s being silent, it’s Schroedinger’s Breakup.  Feh.

Just to be clear – I feel like it’s over with The Pedant.  Already I’m at the point where I’m stalking his Facebook profile and regarding his statuses with a mixture of nostalgia and “God, what was I thinking with him?!?”  His writing style is so pompous and overwrought and he talks about politics and other shit I don’t follow or care about almost exclusively.  And although I remember in a factual way that he was some of my best sex ever, I can’t really remember this on a visceral level.  I can’t feel it.  I’m sad that I can’t feel it, and kind of want to have sex with The Pedant some more just so I can convince myself that I’m not crazy – that there was something there.  But a big reason the sex got so good is that there were mutual feelings there.  More sex would either make those feelings come back again with a vengeance, or else it wouldn’t and therefore the magic would be gone.

So, I dunno.  I’m healing.  It’ll be fine.  But it’s still pissing me off that The Pedant hasn’t written.

I’m beginning to doubt his hypothesis that he’s got Asperger’s, by the way.  If he really can’t see subtlety in people’s words – if he really takes people at face value – he would’ve perceived that email as simply a list of things that are happening that I do not like (which is exactly what it was) and not a breakup.  There have been many other times when he read more into my words than what was there, too.  I feel like there’s probably something up with him, sure; but I don’t know that it’s anything on the autism spectrum.  One of my commenters linked me to the wikipedia page on schizoid personality disorder; that might be a possibility.

At any rate, I have this feeling he’s confused about what was expected of him after that last email.  But the fact that he never wrote to ask me “Are you saying we’re definitely done, or…?” after I wrote a huge screed about needing him to be more transparent with me is just further proof that this would not have worked out.

Tangent: The Pedant and I were on a naked basis for about eight months before this shit all went down, and never during all that time did I feel comfortable pissing with the door open (he never left the door open, either).  The Bunny and I have seen each other four or five times and already he’s leaving the bathroom door open; I haven’t, yet, but feel like it’s pretty imminent (I like an open-door bathroom policy, btw.  I like being that comfortable with someone).  Interpret that as you will.

19 Comments

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19 responses to “Ephemera

  1. Moz in Oz

    someone told me it’s offensive to ask someone about their ethnic background, so I haven’t.

    That seems odd to me, at least in anglonesia it’s a very common question. Both in the stereotypical “where ya really from” way (which is probably what you’re thinking about) and the “so, tell me about yourself” way. The latter is pretty common here, and at especially in indig circles knowing who your family are is important. No-one’s stormed off yet when I ask them (anglo privilege?).

    Also, with the Pedant reading into things… Aspergers doesn’t mean he’s stupid, you know. He’s aware that people write subtle things (and get passive-aggressive when they’re unhappy), so he quite likely spends time trying to work out what the hidden messages are. The fact that he sucks at doing so is hardly evidence that he’s neurotypical. Of course, having Aspergers also doesn’t prevent him being a dick. Or just realising that being dumped means he doesn’t owe you anything.

    • Andy

      Nooo, no, no, no, it is super-offensive here (and, frankly, probably wherever you are–though maybe nobody’s ever come out and told you to your face). Do NOT ask, “So where are you really from?” It carries the implication that only white people can be from “here” while non-white people must inevitably come from elsewhere. If you get to a point where you are talking about heritage and extended family and have already divulged where your grandparents and great-grandparents are from, cool, ask question, but otherwise a non-white person is likely REALLY from whatever country you met them in, same as a white person.

      • Agreed, “where are you really from” is reeeally not good.

        The (mixed race) friend who said not to ask about someone’s race at all did so after being asked about her racial background on a first date. I don’t think she was talking about asking someone where their family is from (although that can be sketchy, too, depending on the context). I think she meant that asking a person of ambiguous ethnicity “so are you white or what?” (or even a more subtle/polite version of that question) is really rude. And I think I see her point.

        I like The Bunny. I’d like him regardless of his ethnicity. So there’s no reason for me to ask about it, really. If it comes up, fine; if it doesn’t, also fine.

      • Moz in Oz

        Since it appears to have been lost in translation, let me be clear I used that “where ya really from” as an example of a clearly offensive way to ask the question. As contrasted with “tell me about yourself”.

        The flip side is that over here someone who doesn’t know their whakapapa is assumed to be quite lost and unrooted. Australia, unfortunately, has rather a lot of local languages so there’s no commonly understood equivalent word but the concept is common IME (NZ is officially trilingual, Australia doesn’t have official languages… but 80% of the population only speak English). People regularly ask me about my ancestry, and not just in the “you’re another one of those kiwi bastards” way (which I also get). For example, it’s been interesting working with a northern englander who understands the distinction between the Orkey Islands and the rest of the Scottish Isles as that’s important to some of my family but it’s rare to meet someone who understands the distinction.

        I kinda understand the Armerican race thing, it seems to be similar to the gap between kiwi racism and ozzie racism (like Canada, Australia has recently sent the army in to impose white law on its aboriginal population). In that context, asking about race could easily be seen as “how can I judge you” rather than “who are you?”

    • Also, with the Pedant reading into things… Aspergers doesn’t mean he’s stupid, you know.

      Yes, I’m aware of that. But he told me he can’t pick up on hints or subtext whatsoever, and I told him I would always be straightforward with him, so he has no business trying to “interpret” anything I’ve said.

      He’s also correctly read people’s subtleties and emotions on enough occasions that I kind of think his whole “I can’t take hints” thing is just an excuse to be able to ignore people’s needs as he sees fit. Which might also explain why he hasn’t acted particularly relieved or thankful when I’ve explained to him precisely what I want from him and why; my brutal directness removed his plausible deniability and now he has to either do the things I’ve asked for or look like an insensitive ass.

      Or just realising that being dumped means he doesn’t owe you anything.

      Except that I didn’t dump him. That’s my point.

    • trillian

      I sooo agree with Moz

      But especially wanted to address racism: maybe because we’re in Europe, but everyone’s proud of their “heritage” or home (whatever that means – I think it’s just the place where you belong). So yes, it’s casual conversation, I think nothing more of someone being black or Asian or gay or anything that counts as a minority, than someone having like… red hair and freckles. (Here come the English jokes though, go for it, Moz 🙂 )

      It’s just an attribute – we don’t pretend we’re not seeing it (which seems to be the American way), but it does not have to be a topic of the conversation either. And it won’t make you connect, or be distant. Because, in the end, attitude can be a lot more important than wether or not you share the same cultural heritage.

      As of the Pedant, he is using his slightly Asperger condition – I have to acknowledge it’s there – to not being held responsible for more serious stuff that he does. He’s using it. And he’s been using it both *for you* and against you.

      Now he needs to step up which one it is. So now he’s in trouble. I am a 100% sure he wants to answer but he’s sooo political (meaning manipulative) he’s still considering which path to take.
      Get your ducks lined up in a row before you get his email.

      • trillian

        Because of my bad English, it may not have been clear what I wanted to say. And that was: did the Pedant get caught up with you emotinially? Of course he did. Was he expecting it? Of course not. He’s the kind of guy who had put you in a certain box the minute he met you. Now things turned out to be different – and he can’t handle it. Just my 2 cents.

        I totally believe he has this idea what his “dream woman” should be like. You didn’t match but yet you caught him unguarded. And he just can’t man up to this.
        Okay I’ll stop. But this totally is my opinion.

        • trillian

          Oh, and don’t get you hopes high. Guys that have a “dream woman” – well I’m sure we’re thinking the same thing about that.
          🙂

        • I think you’re probably right. The woman he was in love with when we met – the one he tried to win back for years after she cut him loose – was (oddly) not goth at all (odd because every goth dude I know seems pretty snooty about finding partners who have the right “look”). She was pretty mainstream, and social, and could get along well with anyone. The Pedant told me he loved that about her and felt she was a good influence on him. I think the “dream woman” he has in his head is a socially confident, outgoing type who’s kinda mainstream.

          I’m an artsy, weird, socially anxious hermit, and although I’m confident I was a good influence on The Pedant in many ways, what I offered will never compare to the idea of a dream woman he has in his head.

          I do believe he loved me. But he wasn’t in love with me – likely because I didn’t tick the right boxes for him – and he’s not going to make any great effort to keep me in his life.

  2. trillian

    To me the Pedant seems like an idealist who has their very fixed ideas of life, his “top queen”, and all that – the way life should look like.

    But in the end his life very much does not look like that at all.

    His life with his mums and dads, lowlife security personnel jobs, no girlfriend and all of his macho dreams only manifesting on facebook…

    Where would you fit in?

  3. trillian

    Honestly I’m only commenting because I so feel I’ve been there before, but it may all be wrong. But seriously and please don’t hate me, but the Pedant is the stereotpypical schizo guy that you can either be the angel and queen of – or a nobody. You decide
    But I wish I could tell you to please walk away and keep quiet.

    • I pretty much plan on just keeping quiet; I mean I’m open to discussion if he says something to me, but if he doesn’t I’m not going to prompt him. It’s not that important to me at this point.

      It’s really refreshing not to be obsessing on him all the time. I cringe to think of the dozens of posts I wrote here, trying to unravel how he was feeling and what he was thinking. For months I couldn’t concentrate on anything because I was too busy trying to figure this boy out.

      I really want to date people who don’t bring out my obsessive side because they just say shit to me outright. So far The Bunny seems like a good candidate.

      • trillian

        I’m actualy jelous of you having all this choice 🙂 I wish I had a Pedant and Minx and all that. I’m just being smart here like Alicia Florrick in the Good Wife but no real-life experience…

  4. trillian

    And I have to add: if you are not his designated “dream queen”, he will only use you and you will suffer and it will all be awful. Unless you know he desires you, nothing good comes out of this. And what I have seen so far: it’s a no.
    Sorry.

  5. trillian

    I think this: the Pedant is one of those people who think way highlier of themselves than what they are actually worth.

    In my world, there are several ways to measure a man (or a human being). With my neverending discussions with my dad, we agreed we admire Richard Dawkins as much as the Pope. So we decided:

    most men measure themselves in the following ways:

    – their financial success
    – their “expertise”, hobby or professionalism in what they do
    – their succes with women

    Each and every man will try to prove themselves in at least one of these areas, if they fail, compensate in another.

    What I wanted to say with this: the Pedant never seemed to make great success at points 1 & 2 – and these are the most dangerous guys to go with, no matter how charming they can be. They will always keep you on the side hoping for a better female success.

  6. trillian

    (apologies for involving “dad” – of course I didn’t show the blog to him, just wanted to involve a male opinion; he has no idea what this is about

    important is the scaling because I believe it’s true: men measure themselves on financial, technical and seducal level, and the Pedant I believe has no success whatsoever in the first 2 areas, thus trying to get the “best” in the women area, and that is where he is failing also.

    Remember not to compromise.

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