Last night I posed for an art class. One of the artists (who actually organizes other art classes for that same venue, but was only a guest on that particular night) clicked with me instantly in a way that rarely happens with me. Like…we were pretty much finishing each others’ sentences. He’s not my physical type at all – he’s a grizzled-looking dude in his 50s at least – so this is just a friend-thing for me, not a potential-dating-thing. But the chemistry was still pretty thrilling.
The Bunny continues to be sweet and fun. We went to the dungeon where I shamelessly made out with The Doll that time and The Bunny had me practice more ropework on him. I’m pretty slow to pick up on stuff; mostly I’m just getting used to tying two things together, like his ankles or his wrists or one of his ankles to one of his wrists. I can see the potential for improvisation, though, once I get the basics down.
Long, long ago, I had a bit of a domly-dom complex; I wanted to appear invulnerable and all-powerful and hated apologizing or admitting to a mistake. I also – as I’ve mentioned before – fantasized largely about overpowering subs and making them do things (or doing things to them) that they genuinely didn’t want. I got over that, though, and now I’m seeing how lovely it is for a sub and I to be cooperative instead of adversarial. I’ll be like “I’m gonna try to tie your arm to your chest.” And The Bunny willingly positions himself for me. If I get confused, I’ll stop and ask him what to do. If he sees me doing something suboptimal, he’ll tell me it might be better if I did _____ instead.
I hope he remains patient with me. I think at the dungeon thing he was hoping I’d do more than just tie him up; that I’d play with him in some way. There are two reasons why this didn’t happen. The first is that I’m a little uncomfortable with making out, etc. in public; granted, this was a kinky-type venue, but nobody else was making out. Everyone else present was paired up in a hetero-type fashion, but all I saw was tying up (and I heard someone on a lower floor getting smacked or paddled or something at one point). Nobody was doing anything too…squelchy, that I could see. I didn’t want to break some unwritten rule of etiquette. (Although I did make out with him a little bit, finally. He’s just so pretty…). The second reason we didn’t really play per se is that the sight of him bound and immobilized caused a wave of desire in me so fucking massive that it didn’t have any shape. It wasn’t an urge to do some particular thing to him. It was just “GRRRRRRRRRRR WANT.” I did explain all of this to The Bunny, and he seemed understanding.
I’m beginning to find his body more attractive. I think at first he was just so unfamiliar that it threw me off. I’m used to skinny, androgynous bodies; I’m also used to caucasian bodies, and I’m like 90% sure The Bunny is part black (someone told me it’s offensive to ask someone about their ethnic background, so I haven’t. But yeah, my guess is part black and maybe part Asian). So there are things about his body that are…surprising to me. But things are settling into “normal” now. It’s funny, though – he’s generally very stocky and masculine-looking but he’s quite a bit shorter than me – I’d say six inches or more. I always forget this when we’re lying down, but when we’re standing up it keeps startling me all over again. When we were waiting for the bus to go to the dungeon I actually found myself unable to hear him clearly because his voice was on a level so far below my ear. I had to surreptitiously place my feet wider apart in order to get down a little.
I like that he doesn’t appear to be put off or threatened by my being so much taller. I like that the race thing doesn’t appear to be an issue. I like that when he was Hitachi-ing me the other day, he used his free hand to caress my legs and feet without me having to ask. I like that he respects my hard limits – and that he listens to me and remembers important information in general. I like the way he sucks my cock (and btw, I finally got to use my realistic/flesh coloured dong for the first time, the other day when I visited The Bunny. I’ve never used a realistic cock before. I love it. It was amazing to look down and feel like it was an extension of my body. I don’t think I ever want to fuck anyone with something pink or purple ever again).
And my god, he has such a pretty face.
I think he may have gotten hard a few times while I was tying him up, btw. I could of course be wrong, though, because he was clothed at the time and is more of a show-er than a grower.
In other news, The Pedant hasn’t responded to the email I wrote him a billion years or so ago. And I don’t know why, which is pissing me off. My last email explained to him why our relationship wasn’t working for me, but did not definitively say “We’re done” – I left the door open for The Pedant to address my issues and offer to try to fix them. I did, however, add that if things are done, I still want to be friends but will likely need some radio silence for a bit while I emotionally adjust to the new paradigm. Sooooo…does he think I did break up with him and he’s respecting my wish for space? Or is he just taking a super fucking long time to address what I’d said?
He told me before that responding to emotional emails is difficult for him and he really can’t deal with someone piling more messages on before he’s dealt with the first one. Plus I don’t want to seem like I’m super hung up on him. So I don’t feel that I can send him a “prompting” email asking if he considers things finished or what. But I also don’t necessarily want to just cheerfully start interacting with him on a just-friends basis as though nothing ever happened. Things did happen, dammit, and I want his reaction to them!
Some small part of me wants The Pedant to tell me he’s willing to work at things with me. This would of course throw me into complete misery, since I don’t actually believe that he can change and I suspect I’d be tempted to have him try, anyway – but at least I’d feel like I mattered to him. If he were to get back to me saying “Yeah, I’m not willing to try to give you what you need, sorry” then I’d feel as though he never really loved me and I’d cry and cry but it would give me a kind of closure. But as long as he’s being silent, it’s Schroedinger’s Breakup. Feh.
Just to be clear – I feel like it’s over with The Pedant. Already I’m at the point where I’m stalking his Facebook profile and regarding his statuses with a mixture of nostalgia and “God, what was I thinking with him?!?” His writing style is so pompous and overwrought and he talks about politics and other shit I don’t follow or care about almost exclusively. And although I remember in a factual way that he was some of my best sex ever, I can’t really remember this on a visceral level. I can’t feel it. I’m sad that I can’t feel it, and kind of want to have sex with The Pedant some more just so I can convince myself that I’m not crazy – that there was something there. But a big reason the sex got so good is that there were mutual feelings there. More sex would either make those feelings come back again with a vengeance, or else it wouldn’t and therefore the magic would be gone.
So, I dunno. I’m healing. It’ll be fine. But it’s still pissing me off that The Pedant hasn’t written.
I’m beginning to doubt his hypothesis that he’s got Asperger’s, by the way. If he really can’t see subtlety in people’s words – if he really takes people at face value – he would’ve perceived that email as simply a list of things that are happening that I do not like (which is exactly what it was) and not a breakup. There have been many other times when he read more into my words than what was there, too. I feel like there’s probably something up with him, sure; but I don’t know that it’s anything on the autism spectrum. One of my commenters linked me to the wikipedia page on schizoid personality disorder; that might be a possibility.
At any rate, I have this feeling he’s confused about what was expected of him after that last email. But the fact that he never wrote to ask me “Are you saying we’re definitely done, or…?” after I wrote a huge screed about needing him to be more transparent with me is just further proof that this would not have worked out.
Tangent: The Pedant and I were on a naked basis for about eight months before this shit all went down, and never during all that time did I feel comfortable pissing with the door open (he never left the door open, either). The Bunny and I have seen each other four or five times and already he’s leaving the bathroom door open; I haven’t, yet, but feel like it’s pretty imminent (I like an open-door bathroom policy, btw. I like being that comfortable with someone). Interpret that as you will.