Most nights, I fall asleep with NetFlix playing in order to drown out my relentlessly anxious thoughts.
Lately I’ve had a few nights where I felt like I could fall asleep unaided, but now a new thing is happening: I seem to be afraid of the dark. Or maybe I should say afraid of silence, but this phenomenon doesn’t happen in the daylight, so…
Basically, I’ll be lying there trying to sleep and the silence in the apartment will suddenly seem too silent, like it’s a precursor to something awful – some catastrophic, horrible, terrifying noise*. So I want to have some sounds happening in the room so that if/when the catastrophic cacophony happens, the contrast won’t be quite so awful. Silence-and-then-a-crash seems like it would be more scary than low-background-noise-and-then-a-crash.
And also, last night when NetFlix timed out I woke up to some rustlings, as of a mouse rummaging around in my bedroom clutter. I cannot fucking deal with that on any level (and neither can Bastardcat; as a hunter, he is completely incompetent). So I put on NetFlix again to drown the sounds out. It also helps drown out the sounds of my asshole neighbours, who tend to stay up all night and whose braying donkey-like laughs and phlegmy smokers’ throat-clearings are beginning to drive me mad.
I hate this though because I’ve been waking up several times a night (not sure if the silence woke me, or something else did) and then having to scrabble around to wake my computer up and get some manner of noise going again.
*This fear may have come about because two shelves fell off my wall recently in the middle of the night. Two different middles of two different nights, I mean; not all at the same time. And those were not my only two shelves; I have many others, affixed in the exact same way as their fallen brethren. They are truly the Shelves of Damocles.