Minx asked me if I wanted to come over for pets after work yesterday. I did. We went out for sushi and then watched Hotel Transylvania while she snuggled me and petted me. Before I knew it, it was almost midnight and I was beginning to doze. “As much as I’d love to be petted to sleep, I should probably go before I miss the last bus,” I said, blearily. Minx said “I’ll pet you to sleep.”
And so I slept over.
It felt less sad than when Minx slept over at my place; I’ve never lived with Minx in that apartment so it didn’t feel so much like we were revisiting the past. She did act almost entirely as though we were dating, though, which is…probably not good. I know she knows I’m not into her that way, because she refrained from making any direct sexual overtures or dropping an I-love-you on me. But still. She spooned up to me all night long, and the following day she kept randomly coming up and giving me hugs (and giving a long, happy sigh when she did so). Sometimes during our snuggling she’d kiss me on the shoulder or the back of my head.
It’s hard to articulate how I feel about this. I feel comfortable around Minx, and I like her and enjoy the platonic closeness – the cuddles, the massages, some of the pets – but…I would just as soon not have her act quite so couple-y with me. It seems kind of weird and arbitrary to be okay with being caressed until I moan but not okay with a peck on the shoulder or a long hug, but that does indeed seem to be my stance. Actually, you know what it is? I’m worried that she does want to date me again and is kinda trying to weasel her way back into that position without actually using her words. And I can’t even tell you how much I don’t feel like having some big awkward talk about this. I wouldn’t even be sure how to start. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Perhaps I’ll begin a strategic campaign of distracting/diverting when she gets too close, and move to the horrible talking plan only if subtlety doesn’t work.
Tangent: when we woke up, she made me some scrambled eggs and we watched the movie Brave. There’s a scene where the main character, Merida, is about to be attacked and her mother protectively jumps in front of her – maternal instinct, and all that. I totally can’t watch anything about a protective parent (especially a mother) without kinda losing my shit; my own mother was an epic failure in this regard and the memory still hurts. But I feel stupid that I’m 40 years old and still cry because my mommy didn’t stand up for me thirty-odd years ago, so when the movie made me teary I held my breath and clenched my jaw so as not to make any noise. Tears streamed down my face silently.
Afterward, we discussed the movie and I mentioned something about it that I found touching and she said “Is that why you were crying?” How she noticed I was crying, I don’t know; I thought I was being stealthy, and anyway, why didn’t Minx keep her eyes on the movie? But I confessed that yeah, I was crying, and I explained why – which got me teary again. And Minx opened her arms to me without a word, and I had a huge and embarrassing (but cathartic) sobfest all over her chest.
It’s sweet that she was so supportive of me. Sweet, but treacherous; when we were together she had a long, long while where any trace of negative feelings from me, about anything, would send her into a silent rage and she’d totally freeze me out. Basically, if I wasn’t acting happy every single minute of the day, she wanted nothing to do with me. Which is a big reason why I fell out of love with her and also the reason why I may enjoy the nice way she treats me right now, but I don’t trust it. I think she’s only capable of that level of patience and sympathy when she’s trying to win someone over. Once she’s in, it all goes to hell.
I’ve grown to value Minx as a friend, but we are never getting back together. Not if she hints at it and not even if she asks me outright. Just no.