I’ve been totally fucked up this week. My work schedule has been super easy, I’ve had lots of free time to (ideally) work on my art stuff to take good advantage of the holiday shopping season, but I’ve been rampaging across the internet instead.
I thought it was because I’ve been putting myself under a lot of pressure to make money over Christmas, and that’s probably part of it. But I think the main component of fuckupitude here might actually be sadness over The Pedant. I’m trying not to think about it or let myself feel it, but…yeah. It doesn’t help that he still hasn’t responded to my last email to him – the one that basically said “I don’t think this can work out.” I need the closure of him saying “Okay, fine” or whatever. And of course there’s still that little part of me that hopes he’ll actually fight to keep me instead, but the bigger, more practical side of my brain tells me that this would only get me hooked on him again and probably open me up to a lot of disappointment. I do not think he can give me what I need. I do not think I can compromise on what I need. We’re at a stalemate.
Just now while feeding Bastardcat I was swept with a sudden longing to live somewhere else. The same city, I mean; just a new apartment. I remembered how Minx will often feed Bastardcat when she visits me because she still knows where I keep everything. Normally this is comforting to me but right now it just makes me sad. There’s too much history here. I’d like to start fresh somewhere else but between rising apartment costs, my dwindling savings, and my terror of the entire apartment-hunting process, I don’t think I can. I’m essentially trapped here, at least for now. It’s making me feel claustrophobic. Probably this will pass soon.
I’ve come to believe, somehow, that it’s silly and immature to long for a boyfriend. I feel as though grown-ups are supposed to be more self-sufficient than that. But don’t most people want love? Maybe I shouldn’t berate myself.
The Pedant’s arms felt like home. Now he’s (very probably, I’m almost certain) out of my life and I feel…homeless. Casual dating is fun and everything (I’m seeing THe Bunny tomorrow, in fact) but I need a steady partner in my life to make me feel anchored.
Y’know what it is with The Pedant’s silence? I have no confirmation that he understands, finally, what it is I actually needed from him. For all I know he still doesn’t get it and is telling his friends “Yeah, typical girl, got all possessive and wanted me to pay attention to her every minute of the day. So obviously I had to leave.” Whereas I firmly believe that our issues are his fault, not mine, and I’m petty enough to want him to know it, too. Especially if the alternative is to be slandered with his gender essentialist bullshit.