Boy angst

I’d asked The Pedant not to respond to my last email until at least October 18th so I could get through my rough work week.  I got through the week.  October 18th is today.

It suddenly occurs to me that The Pedant had previously offered October 16-17th as a time when we could see each other.  Meaning that – at one point, anyway – he had yesterday and the day before free.  Admittedly he may have filled the days with other things once he knew I wasn’t available, but still – my sneaky jerk brain is now insinuating that if he cares about me, he should want to try to put things right ASAP; therefore he should have used the 16th and 17th to construct a reply to me so that he could send it the moment he wakes up today.  And so if I don’t hear from him today, it clearly means he doesn’t give enough of a shit about me to make any effort.

And in fairness, it might actually mean that.  But it might mean all kinds of other things, too.

Really, the relationship is pretty much doomed; I calculate a less than 5% chance that he’ll reply to my last message in a productive way, whether he answers me today or weeks from now.  So my brain is an asshole for insinuating that he could “prove” his feelings for me (and therefore save us) just by hitting “reply” sometime before midnight tonight.

This whole situation totally sucks, though.  I feel like Damocles* right now.  Maybe I should’ve given The Pedant certain windows of time in which to answer: “October 18th between 6 and 7 pm or, if you miss that one, October 30th between noon and 1pm or, if you miss that one…” – it would give me more of an illusion of control and keep me from feeling antsy all goddamned day.  Or it would, if I thought The Pedant would adhere to the idea.  Frankly I wasn’t even sure he’d stick to my not-before-October-18th request, and got a wobbly stomach a few times earlier in the week wondering if he’d just ambush me with a message anyway.  If he feels like my message accused him of stuff, he might feel outraged and want to clear his good name right away or whatever.

In other news, that last guy I met from FetLife has kept texting me on a regular basis.  I’m frankly rather surprised because I could totally take or leave him and I assumed he felt the same way.  But no, he’s been in steady contact and he asked if I’d like him to teach me some basic rope bondage techniques.  I would actually like to learn this stuff, so he’s coming over tonight (I’d suggested going to his place but he pointed out that this would cost me money whereas he has a transit pass; I can’t argue with that logic).

The worrisome thing is that I don’t know that I feel any chemistry with him (I never seem to with anyone anymore, dammit…sometimes I’m afraid that The Pedant was my last chance at sexual attraction ever) and I kind of think this guy is hoping things will go in a sexual direction, at least eventually.  Except he hasn’t said this outright, or asked me how I see things progressing, so there’s been no good segue for me to tell him that I’m not sure what I want.  I did tell him that “come over and teach me some knots” means exactly that and is not a euphemism for “hot monkey sex.”  That conversation happened because, when discussing whether to do the rope lessons at his place or mine, he said that being at my place means I won’t have to lug any equipment over to his.  And when I asked what equipment he meant, he got all vague (“You know, just…equipment that women use”  “So like tampons?”  “…Sure.”), which made me wonder if he expected some huge bondage fuckfest that would require my restraints and strap-on and lord only knows what else.  When I specified that we wouldn’t be having sex, he thanked me for my clarity.  Whether he meant it or was disappointed that I’d removed his plausible deniability, I do not know.

I should mention that this guy came off as courteous and nonthreatening in person.  At the end of our first meeting, he shook my hand – didn’t even go in for a hug.  His texts since then have touched on sexual topics every now and then, but mostly in an impersonal/philosophical way; he’s never done that all-too-common thing of steering the conversation repeatedly to pervy topics when I’m trying to steer it away.  At one point when we were talking (texting) about sex he actually deliberately changed the subject.  I think he has a fairly reasonable and balanced attitude; I think he’s kinda hoping we’ll eventually hook up, but not believing it’s guaranteed or anything.  And he seems to be wanting to get to know me as a person and not as a sex object.  

So although I’m antsy about letting him into my apartment tonight, I think it’ll be okay.  And I’ll leave his name and number with a friend just in case.



*Greek myth guy forced to sit under a sword that hung from a single hair and could fall on him at any moment.


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2 responses to “Boy angst

  1. Brugmansia

    The Pedant is most certainly NOT your last chance at sexual chemistry with someone. You just need some time to regain your balance after this current bout of limerence. I’ve been there, more than once. It’s a bit surprising when you suddenly rediscover a steamy mutual attraction. (And it may make you wonder why on earth you humored the parade of FetLife guys whom you maybe might be attracted to someday.)

    • I already wonder why I bother with guys I might be attracted to someday. But I have had some fun sex in the past – and even rewarding relationships – with people I thought were cute but that I wasn’t immediately attracted to.

      Plus I’m too much of a chicken to have coffee with a guy and go “Thanks for a pleasant evening, but I don’t wanna fuck you and your personality isn’t compelling enough for me to want to be friends, so……”

      Thanks for the reassurance that The Pedant isn’t my last chance. I hope you’re right. At the moment I can barely remember ever craving anyone the way I crave him, but that’s likely because I’m old and my memory is failing. 😛

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