Full circle

When Minx and I broke up, The Pedant really helped cushion that blow.  Not on purpose – it’s not like I ever called The Pedant up and said “I miss my ex; get over here and give me affection so I feel better” – but still.  Having the sex and snuggles and companionship from The Pedant took the edge off losing those things from Minx.

Now Minx is unwittingly helping to cushion my loss of The Pedant, except without the sexual part.

As I’ve probably mentioned, Minx and I have kinda been “massage buddies” for a while – even back when The Pedant was still in the picture.  And I’ve been needing that affection and stress relief even more now, as you can imagine.

Minx came over last night and we watched Netflix while massaging each other.  Her visits usually end up being fairly one-sided – she ends up spending much more time on me than vice-versa, by her own initiative – but this time she really went above and beyond.  She massaged my shoulders for quite some time (“My god, your muscles feel like cauliflower!  So many knots!”) and then mashed the tension out of my feet so hard that it pretty much exploded my brain.  Afterward all I could really do was lie there and stare at the ceiling, listening to the surf of white noise inside my head while I waited for my thoughts and personality to return.

Eventually – feeling drained and brittle like a convalescent – I slowly rolled on my side into a loose foetal position, away from my laptop screen which was still playing cartoons.  Minx began to lightly stroke all of my exposed skin – plus some that she had to go under my shirt for.  It was clear to me that she wasn’t intending anything non-platonic; she avoided touching my breasts or ass or genitals.  Still, it made me uncomfortable in a way because the whole scenario felt way too much like the way we behaved when we were dating: me falling asleep to cartoons while she petted me.  But it felt so good, so needed, that I didn’t ask her to stop.

She kept petting me for, I don’t even know, maybe hours, while I drifted in and out of sleep.  After I-don’t-know-how-many cartoon episodes had played, she began lightly tracing circles around the shaved parts of my head, and I opened my eyes to find her hovering over me, gazing intently into my face like she was trying to ascertain whether her attentions had pleased me.  And can I just say, I haven’t felt attracted to Minx in ages – haven’t even thought she was particularly aesthetically pleasing.  She’s just average-looking to me.  But at that moment, with gratefulness and endorphins pounding through my brain, she looked absolutely luminous.  She’d acquired that glow again that she’d had when I was in love with her.  This – combined with the fact that she’d just unequivocally demonstrated love for me through her actions, and the fact that her face was so close to mine – scared the shit out of me and I promptly closed my eyes again.

“Happy brain chemicals?” Minx asked, with a smile in her voice, and I smiled and nodded in confirmation: her ministrations had indeed gotten me deliciously high.

We lay on the couch a while longer and eventually I was like “It feels late.”  Minx guessed it was eleven o’clock or so; I guessed at least midnight.  When I checked my phone, it said precisely 12:00 a.m.  Minx doesn’t live too crazy far from me – maybe half an hour or so – but it was cold out and it seemed rude to send her out into the cold after she’d been so sweet to me.  Or maybe I was just lonely and rationalizing.  At any rate I invited her to crash at my apartment – on the couch or in bed with me, whichever she’d prefer – and she took me up on it.

Minx chose the bed.  We fell asleep with her spooning me (I suddenly remembered her bad habit of sleep-humping and felt anxious about it, but nothing happened).   By the time the alarm went off we’d retreated to our respective sides; I’d forgotten she was even there, actually.  Overall I think the sleepover idea was not terribly wise; it mostly just underlined the fact that we’re not in love anymore, and therefore made me feel more lonely than before.  Plus there was enough romantic/sexual tension over the course of Minx’s visit that I felt a bit uncomfortable; on at least one occasion she automatically went to kiss me or touch me in certain ways but stopped herself.  And as good as her pettings felt, they also made me feel kind of conflicted.  It seemed as though Minx was trying to act as close as possible to the way we were when we were dating, but made sure to skirt the lines juuuuust enough that everything was still technically platonic.  I don’t know if she’s missing closeness in general or our relationship in particular, but I’m not interested in dating or fucking her and don’t want to give her the impression that I am.  Also, I’m not immune to force of habit, either; I could see myself possibly backsliding if I’m not careful.  I could conceivably develop a dynamic with a new person where they pet me for extended periods without us ending up having sex, but I’m not sure that’s possible with Minx.  At least not now.

She doesn’t know that The Pedant and I are done, btw.  I used to casually mention him in conversation with her – what we’d done the other day, some annoying or funny thing he’d said to me – and she’d get palpably awkward every time; it seemed best not to mention my dating life to her anymore.  Plus I knew that if I said last night that he and I were finished, Minx would probably assume I only had her over as a kind of human Band-Aid, which is not true.  First and foremost I just wanted her company and her massage skills.  The fact that the human closeness also helped buffer my Pedant pain was just a bonus.

On a separate topic, Minx was massaging my legs last night and said “Your calves feel sturdier!” which can only be from the exertion of all the modelling I’m doing lately.  I’d thought most of the muscle gains were in my arms, but apparently I’m just firmer all over.  I asked Minx if I look different from before – if she can see that I’m in better shape or if she’d actually have to palpate my arms and legs to ascertain this – and she said yes, there is a visual difference.  Yay!

The way she said yes, though…I think she’s still attracted to me.  Or has feelings for me.  Or something.  I’m gonna wait a little while before I see her again, I think.  And maintain a bit more personal space whenever we do hang out next.

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