I’m missing The Pedant pretty intensely lately. Probably because it’s the horndog week of my cycle. Sigh.
I can’t make myself believe that we’ll never have sex again. There’s gotta be an opportunity eventually – either we’ll decide to have one last hurrah or we’ll reach a point of hanging out as friends and one day I’ll ambush him and he’ll go with it or…I dunno. It’s occurred to me that The Pedant made a really good second boy when I was dating Minx, but cannot live up to the responsibilities of being my (or possibly anyone’s) main boy. So I’m thinking maybe if I ever fall in love again, I can reinstate The Pedant as my Hot Thing on the Side. From what he’s told me (and what I’ve observed, too) The Pedant is tenacious and loyal and doesn’t need a lot of contact or affirmation to maintain feelings for someone; it seems feasible that he’ll keep on having feelings for me indefinitely and therefore if I ever want to take up with him again he’ll be happy to oblige. But I might be fooling myself.
Oh hey…I wonder if this is the “bargaining” part of the five stages of grief. I don’t want it to be, since that would mean I’m making wacky, desperate rationalizations here and there really is no chance of any kind of sexual or romantic resurgence here. But it seems likely that this is indeed what I’m doing. I just don’t have the sense of perspective right now to really feel whether I’m being unreasonable.
I keep asking myself why I can’t just…live with The Pedant’s behaviour as it is. I’ve had fuck buddies who could completely disappear for weeks or months and when they resurfaced we’d pick up where we left off; I’ve had very close platonic friends – close enough to say “I love you” to – who could do the same thing. No rancour; no feelings of abandonment. Just “Yay, you’re back! I’m happy to see you.” Fuck, I was like that with The Pedant himself back when we were just makeout buddies and Minx was my main partner. Why can’t I be that way with him now? Why do I get all consumed with pain and longing when he’s not around instead of busying myself with other things, confident that he’ll eventually reappear? Why do I need a constant affirmation of our connection in order to keep said connection alive?
…Mind you, I keep forgetting about the last email he wrote (in response to me telling him that his silence spoke volumes and I guessed we were done for good). He didn’t express any regret that I’d been feeling so upset and betrayed; he spent almost the entire message making excuses for himself and basically capped off the excuses with “This is how I am; if you can’t deal with that then I’ll understand.” And, a bunch of his excuses revolved around the idea that I need more time with him and more contact from him and he’s unable to provide it – but that isn’t what I asked for. I stated what I wanted very clearly and even told him to ask me for clarification if he didn’t get it. He didn’t ask. Instead he assumed I wanted something other than what I’d actually said, and made it clear that he wasn’t willing to do any of it.
Now, it’s possible that once he understands what I was actually asking for, he’ll be like “Ohhhh! That I can do.” But I generally get the feeling that he’s only willing to put minimal work into the relationship and I have now reached his limit.
And even if he says he’s willing to try to meet my demands, do I trust him?
The Pedant knows that when someone contacts him a lot and/or wants to see him all the time, it means they like him (he said this to me outright). At thirty-two motherfucking years old, he has surely pieced together the concept that if frequent contact is generally read as a sign of affection, then the way to make someone feel liked is by contacting them frequently. And yet he didn’t make any effort to do this until I specifically asked him to, and those efforts dwindled back down to nothing pretty fast. Overall it’s starting to look like his whole “I don’t understand social cues” thing is an excuse. He may not understand why most people need the kinds of interactions they need, but he’s damn sure observed the patterns of what the neurotypicals all seem to want – and still won’t do most of them.
Also, his robot-like veneer is beginning to wear on me. “It’s perfectly acceptable to tell me you love me, and the feelings are being reciprocated”? Fuck off.
I’ve asked him not to respond to my last email until this weekend; I’m working a lot this week (and worked a lot last week) and an email from him that said anything other than “I love you, I understand exactly why you’re upset, and I’m really sorry,” would’ve put me off my game. I’d be obsessing so much on composing my response that I wouldn’t get any sleep and this would affect the quality of my work. Hell, I might do that even if he did send me that exact message. I’m kind of obsessing and losing sleep now and he hasn’t even written me yet.
When he does respond, I hope it’s not in too irritating of a manner. The dream, of course, would be the “I love you, I understand exactly why you’re upset, and I’m really sorry” message. Not necessarily as a precursor to us trying to revive the relationship. It would be fine to receive such a message as a confirmation that it’s over. I know, however, that he will not say any of those things. He can’t seem to drop the L-bomb; he never apologizes for anything; and he at least claims never to understand anything about other people’s feelings.
If he offered to do whatever it took to fix things between us, that would be mightily gratifying but also throw me into a tizzy because I’m not sure I trust him to actually stick to his plan of action. As much as I still want him, I couldn’t stand to be in that awful obsessive limbo state again of wondering if he likes me/if he wants me/if I’ll ever see him again/etc.
If he simply responded to say that he wishes we could keep dating but it looks like that’s not the best idea, I could live with that.
I just don’t want to get another big wall of excuses or a stubborn “well I refuse to change so I guess that’s it then.”
Goddammit I really wanna fuck him.