Honesty in kink

I’m a member of two different FetLife groups where people in my city can post personal ads.

A guy just posted to one of them looking for a dominant.  He’s a heavyset, dark-haired 33 year old and his profile says he’s the most submissive person ever.  He cites the fact that his three supervisors at work are all women and he loves catering to them.

A guy just posted to the other personals group looking for submissives.  He’s a heavyset, dark-haired 33 year old and his profile goes on and on about how he loves sluts and whores.  He assures us that despite all the whore talk, he is a nice and respectful person.  Why, his three supervisors at work are all women and he gets along with them just fine!

Hmmmmm.

I wrote the “sub” a private message and called him out.  I thought for sure I’d get a whiny reply about how he has to maintain two separate profiles because reasons.  Instead, unexpectedly, he was like “OMG show me the other profile!  This used to happen on Collarme, too!  People would steal my photos and make profiles!!!”

I…am really pretty sure this is bullshit.  Dude’s photos aren’t attractive enough to be worth stealing, and if someone was making these fake profiles just to antagonize him they’d’ve posted in the same places in order to make people think he’s a liar.  The trolling here is too subtle, is what I’m saying.

Buuuuut it’s not totally unfeasible that someone would do this, I guess?  And the “sub” actually did have a note on his profile, in bold, telling people to stop stealing his photos goddammit (and yes, this note was there before I wrote to him).  And, oh, the two ads weren’t posted within minutes of each other as I’d originally thought.  One was yesterday, the other today.

I had just enough doubt that I couldn’t bring myself to call the “sub” a liar.  I went ahead and linked this guy to the “dom” profile.  He thanked me and said that he messaged that person telling them to take down his photo or else, and if that didn’t work he’d report the guy to FetLife admin.

Ha!  I just checked and the “dominant” changed his photo and deleted his profile within half an hour of my exchange with the “submissive.”  Gosh, what a responsive and accommodating troll – most internet antagonists I’ve ever seen have been way more persistent than that.  And how amazing that he happened to be online when this other person who was not him wrote him a threatening message that totally exists.

Yeah.  As you can tell, my gut is still telling me that these two dudes are really just one big liar.  And it’s a shame because the “sub” did somewhat pique my interest (not my physical type, but I’m experimenting lately with the idea of receiving nonsexual service and the guy says he’s into being someone’s personal maid.  And he has a PVC maid outfit that looks cute on him, after a fashion).  I’m fine to meet and play with switches (provided only their sub side comes out in my presence) but I cannot tolerate liars.

Also, I’m starting to think a lot of guys on FetLife are  vanilla and just hoping to get laid by some freaky chick in a corset.  They figure a submissive chick is gonna be super eager to deep-throat them and a dominant chick will “use them for sex” (a process that will still, for some reason, revolve around their genitals and their orgasms) and it’ll be awesome.  And so these guys try to cast a wide net by making multiple profiles or listing themselves as switches.

And then there are the dudes who list themselves as switches but every single item on their “fetish list” (and often it’s a long list) is dominant-oriented.  This, too, strikes me as a guy trying to play both sides of the fence in order to get laid more often, although perhaps it’s only that he’s more experienced with the dominant side of things, (since most kinky chicks seem to be on the submissive side) and thus can’t say for sure which sub-flavoured activities he likes yet, even though the submissive urge is there.

And there are many, many guys who list themselves as switches but then in their profiles they say “well actually I’m submissive, but all the women I’ve been with have asked me to be dominant so I can do that if you want.”  Okay, well if you long to be a submissive then why are you not only going against your nature again and again, but advertising that you’ll do so?  Could it be that you’re mostly just looking to get laid?

I want a sub who, y’know, actually wants to submit to me.  If he wants to be dominant with someone else, fine.  I’m not switchphobic.  But if a guy is only saying he’s kinky in order to get attention from women, I can smell that shit immediately and it will make me avoid him like the plague.  …Which actually works out, I guess, because those guys really don’t want to be interacting with a dominant woman, anyway.

4 Comments

October 6, 2013 · 11:57 pm

4 responses to “Honesty in kink

  1. marika grofno

    I’m sorry for you meeting shitty people… and also I’m glad that you are on the lookout for new, non-pedant guys. 🙂

  2. gingernic

    I’m kinda surprised you were willing to play along enough to show the dude his own other profile. Seems likely to just encourage that nonsense (not that discouraging it is likely a viable option/worth your time, but still).

    As to the switch thing, it can be complicated. Maybe there are vanilla dudes and kink-inexperienced folk who just put switch because–um. But switches have a whole extra level of not-being-accepted even within the community: it really isn’t going to help anyone get laid. It’s a label that a lot of people are uncomfortable with, whether referring to themselves or others. Like bisexuality, it gets treated as an infection bridge to “real” kink identities (dom and sub), or a lie, or evidence that a switch is just a sex-fiend who will put on any role as long as it gets him/her/&c laid. I’m not trying to defend Mr. Shitty Behavior up there–having two completely different profiles/posts and lying about it is in no way acceptable (I’m really glad he didn’t self-identify as a switch, ’cause it’d just give even more of a bad name to my kind). But analyzing a switch’s profile and saying, “well, he’s actually a dom because these fetishes are pretty toppy” is dismissive of his self-identification. It sucks to be on the receiving end of that.

    • I’m kinda surprised you were willing to play along enough to show the dude his own other profile. Seems likely to just encourage that nonsense

      His assertion that the other profile was made up by a picture-stealing internet bully caught me off-guard and I briefly thought that it could be true. If I were in that situation, I’d want someone to help me.

      But how does calling him out encourage him to make more fake profiles? And if it does, how does linking to his profile make it worse? If anything I’d think it would strike terror into his heart that someone knows exactly who his other persona is.

      But analyzing a switch’s profile and saying, “well, he’s actually a dom because these fetishes are pretty toppy” is dismissive of his self-identification. It sucks to be on the receiving end of that.

      Of course. And I’d never tell one of these dudes that he’s “not really a switch.” I’m not even definitely for sure thinking it. But I’m cynical as fuck from having met up with so many dudes who claim to be submissive in some capacity or other and really…aren’t. Wait, that’s dismissing someone’s identity, too…instead I’ll say “dudes who identify as submissive but fucking suck at it.” Whether a guy calls himself a sub or a switch, if his profile only mentions painful or degrading things he wants to do to a woman, I’ll tend to steer clear. If it only mentions things he wants done to him – no indication that he realizes his partner has desires, too – I’ll also tend to steer clear. And that’s my prerogative.

      • gingernic

        how does calling him out encourage him to make more fake profiles? And if it does, how does linking to his profile make it worse? If anything I’d think it would strike terror into his heart that someone knows exactly who his other persona is.

        I guess I would assume the response would be “Ha! She believed the stolen profile thing! I can get away with this!” rather than terror of being found out. Then again, I shouldn’t be trying to guess at the dude’s mental processes at all. (I didn’t mean to criticize your call btw, just had a “huh.” moment)

        Again with the switch thing, I get the cynicism. I’m sure there are people who do lie, or if we’re being charitable just don’t understand that “fetishist” and “submissive” are not synonyms. I have the same cynicism about bi-identifying women (and I am one!) thanks to dating multiple women who ended the relationship by admitting they’d been straight all along (one thought feminists shouldn’t sleep with men, another said “you’re supposed to experiment in college, it just doesn’t work for me.” Damn pillow queen, too.) I guess the knee-jerk reaction comes from knowing that “switch” is an identity one constantly has to defend.

        if his profile only mentions painful or degrading things he wants to do to a woman, I’ll tend to steer clear. If it only mentions things he wants done to him – no indication that he realizes his partner has desires, too – I’ll also tend to steer clear. And that’s my prerogative. No argument there!

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