Mourning

I can’t decide whether The Pedant’s email to me made the situation better or worse.  It certainly made me have to go through the preliminary stages of grief all over again, which pisses me off.  And the grief is worse this time.  I was hanging out with High School Friend last night and totally burst into tears in the middle of Swiss Chalet.  Several times.  I have to be in really dire emotional straits to cry in public or in front of anyone.

Ending a relationship through silence and avoidance has always been a huge trigger for me, and as I said, when I thought The Pedant was doing that it threw my whole sense of people into question since I really didn’t think he was that type.  But I actually feel like I began to get over it pretty fast.  I think I’ve finally realized how pointless it is to question things I can never know and look for closure that will never come, so after the initial shocked “Wait.  What…?  Why did he…?  What is he…?” I just…dropped it and focused on coming to terms with the fact that I wouldn’t be seeing him again.  Plus, bailing on me like that gave me a reason to hate him, so that gave me further momentum in getting over the relationship.

But his latest email and the revelations therein make me so much more sad.  Not just sad for the present, pivotal moment of realizing things just can’t work out.  Sad for all the wasted potential in the past.  He does love me.  If one of us could’ve broached the subject earlier and brought this crucial information to light, I could’ve been having awesome sex with him and then curling up in his arms knowing – not just thinking/hoping – that he loved me back.  And who knows, maybe he would even have gotten around to being able to say the actual words to me, eventually.  It’s possible that he did that stuffy “your feelings are being reciprocated” business in his email because he sensed I was about to break things off (again) and didn’t want to make himself too vulnerable.  Also, so much of my angst over the past few months would’ve been lifted had I realized that he considered us in a relationship, not just friends with benefits or “casually seeing each other” or whatever.  I feel like I was never able to fully enjoy the good times we had together because I was assuming an imbalance of feeling and/or commitment and bracing myself for rejection accordingly.

So basically now I’m stuck mourning what is and what could have been.

Also, The Pedant’s email raises a bunch of questions for me…and since I guess we’re still on a speaking basis, that means I can actually ask them.  Getting answers might be satisfying and give a kind of closure, but it’ll also mean drawing this breakup conversation out.  There’s a slim chance he’ll even get defensive and argue against my reasons for needing to break up.  All of which kind of keeps me from putting the relationship behind me.

On a somewhat unrelated note, the more I reread The Pedant’s email, the more annoyed I get at his huge defensive “I can’t be any more available to you than I already am so if that’s a dealbreaker so be it” stance.  He spends probably the majority of his message on this subject.  He actually painstakingly mansplained to me that when we first started seeing each other, he was unemployed and thus had lots of free time, and now he works twelve-hour shifts and therefore cannot come over as often.  He also wrote a big long dissertation justifying all the things he has to do on his days off that prevent him from seeing me.  And told me he likes to have a lot of alone time.  And told me he’s fine with the amount of texting and emailing we currently do, but wouldn’t want more than that.

But I never said our amount of contact was a dealbreaker.

I talked about this with High School Friend and she theorizes that “I want more attention from you!” was probably a repeated theme from The Pedant’s exes, and now he’s so sure that history is repeating itself that he’s not even really hearing what I’m saying to him; he just thinks it’s all about the number of texts or visits again.  I think High School Friend is right.  The fact that The Pedant’s very first reaction, months ago, to my confession that I was falling for him was “that’s fine as long as you don’t get possessive” (along with a diatribe about his ex who tried to claim every moment of his time) seems to support this.

I feel so disillusioned.  The Pedant has told me many, many times that he doesn’t take hints and needs me to be as straightforward as possible with him.  The impression he gave me was that he would always take my words exactly at face value, as though they were an instruction manual.  So I did my best to write an instruction manual for him – and even said “If you’re not clear on what I want or why, ask me” – and he’s still somehow reading a bunch of shit in there that I never said.  Which is making me itch to send him a follow-up email saying “Hey, I don’t know which of your exes you’re confusing me with but I’m not her.  Try rereading what I actually said.”  But The Pedant’s last message specifically said that he “doesn’t react well” when someone piles on additional messages before he’s had a chance to respond to the first one, so I’m trying to cut him a break here.  And I did touch on the whole “I never said I wanted more contact” thing briefly in what I did send him, anyway.

Another reason his email is making things more difficult for me: I maaaaaay have left the door open for MOAR SECKS.  In his message he said he was available on October 16th and 17th if I wanted to see him.  In my reply, I said that the idea of one last fuckfest was quite appealing to me, but that I was busy on those particular days.  I did not add “…When’s the next time you can see me?” because I feel like I’ve been chasing his dumb ass forever and I’m tired of it.  But the door is open for him to suggest a date if he chooses.

Which means it’s that much harder for me to consider us done and start emotionally processing everything.

Damn my ridiculous libido.  And damn my probably futile hope that if The Pedant and I are together and intimate, he might finally actually say the L-word to me.  I just want a taste of the relationship I’ve wanted all this time before everything goes to hell.  Is that too much to ask?

2 Comments

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2 responses to “Mourning

  1. “I feel so disillusioned. The Pedant has told me many, many times that he doesn’t take hints and needs me to be as straightforward as possible with him. The impression he gave me was that he would always take my words exactly at face value, as though they were an instruction manual.”

    Just because people *say* they want you to be straightforward does not mean they are actually prepared for you to take them up on that. Real honesty scares the shit out of a lot of people, even ones who say they want it.

    • Yeah, you’re right. I guess I just figured someone who apparently spends most of his time confused by social interaction and having no idea what’s going on would be relieved to have someone flat-out tell him what’s up.

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