I’m feeling a lot better about the whole Pedant situation right now. I was on pins and needles for so long with him, dying for his company while he dangled the prospect of a visit in front of me but never…quite…made…good, that it’s actually a huge relief to know flat out that I won’t be seeing him. I don’t have to wonder anymore; now I know.
When we were seeing each other, I was constantly analyzing The Pedant’s behaviours and motivations, not to mention doing way more than my fair share of the work to keep the relationship going, not to mention trying super hard to maintain my feelings for him through those long stretches when he wasn’t doing anything to inspire them. It took up a lot of brain power that’s now freed up for other things.
Oh, and by the way, remember how I randomly threw my neck out the other week? The chiropractor managed to make it feel a fair bit better, but the day I finally decided to give up on The Pedant, 80% of the remaining pain dissolved within hours. I can’t believe I didn’t realize that The Pedant was probably the stressor that caused my neck to seize. I used to get the same exact pain, in the same exact spot, back when Minx and I were in the process of breaking up. Like, right after she moved her stuff out of the apartment, she’d come visit and I suddenly couldn’t turn my head to the left. Then she’d leave and I’d be fine again.
Also, like I said in my ultimatum email to The Pedant, the things that made me feel loved (and in turn made me love him) were the in-person things that he did. When he wasn’t in my actual, physical presence, he mostly didn’t give me any of those things I thrived on emotionally; he was just some dude who made small talk with me, sometimes, if I initiated it. So technically, I’ve had intermittent stretches where I didn’t actually love The Pedant; I loved a fading memory of who he is when he’s here with me. When he’d come visit and then go again, that was really hard on me because I went from feeling amazingly cherished and doted on to…not, all within the course of a few days. The withdrawal was awful. Going from The Pedant not-visiting to not-visiting-ever-again? Meh.
There will probably still be some low points for me as I come to terms with the fact that it’s really over. And I still can’t believe that he ditched me without saying anything; that pisses me right the hell off. And I really wanna get laid, and The Pedant and I had better sexual chemistry than I can remember feeling with anyone in a long time (maybe ever…), so that sucks. But overall, I’m fine.
And! While The Pedant and I were seeing each other, I wanted to have sexual adventures with other people as well. However, The Pedant seemed really paranoid about STIs and I knew if I slept with someone else I’d probably either have to give up barebacking with The Pedant or get blood tests a lot more often. I didn’t want to deal with any of that so I limited my activities with others. Now I can feel a bit more free to play, to experiment, to have a one-off with someone I know isn’t a great long-term prospect but who seems enticing right now.
I might not actually do it, mind you. But I could.
So…yeah. I’m mostly feeling okay right now.