Sigh.

I keep hoping The Pedant will belatedly answer my messages.  I just want him to say something – anything.  The fact that he’s been silent ever since my “ultimatum” email that specifically said I was freaking out over lack of contact is bullshit and no matter what his reason was, I think it means we can’t be dating.  We are just fundamentally incompatible in some key ways.  But I was hoping to maintain at least enough amicable feelings that if I bumped into him somewhere it wouldn’t be too awkward.  If he wrote me any kind of “sorry I didn’t write sooner, but…” message, that would at least salvage some kind of friendship.  But he hasn’t.  And maybe he won’t.  But maybe he will.  And I’m poised on this knife-edge of not knowing whether he’s an asshole or just really, really clueless.  It’s hard to go forward and process everything that’s happened when I don’t know what to think yet.

…Okay, fuck it, I just sent him an email basically saying that he’s a total shithead for ignoring me and we’re definitely done.  That makes me feel a bit more in control of the situation, at least.

I dreamed last night that I cut off Bastardcat’s tail.  On purpose.  I think I wanted to kill him, and swung a knife or cleaver at him, but either missed or changed my mind at the last minute so instead of being sliced in half he just got his tail severed.  And I thought “Well, he’ll die anyway from this; he’ll bleed out.”  But Bastardcat didn’t really bleed.  He didn’t even seem to be in pain.  He just looked up at me with no particular expression.  And suddenly I was wracked with guilt and took him and his tail to the vet, who sewed him back together.  I was hoping for cat cuddles once he was back together again, but Bastardcat still just looked at me expressionlessly.  He didn’t move toward me when I called him, but he didn’t run away, either.  And then I woke up.

At first I thought I dreamed this because Bastardcat’s been driving me a bit crazy lately – stepping on my face when I’m trying to sleep and stuff – and I actually have kind of wanted to kill him (not literally kill him, but you know).  It didn’t dawn on me til later that the dream was an allegory of this bullshit with The Pedant.  I was poised to end it with him, changed my mind at the last minute and wrote him a softer, “I love you but some things need to change” message instead (which I figured might very well end the relationship anyway), then panicked and backpedalled  a bit – all with The Pedant giving me no feedback whatsoever.

I wish my brain hadn’t used Bastardcat as a symbol for The Pedant.  It was really icky dreaming that I’d hurt my sweet kitty.  I could just about cry right now even thinking about it.  Kind of adds insult to injury.  Thanks, subconscious!

Speaking of insult to injury, The Pedant went out to an event last night with some chick (could be a friend, could be someone he’s interested in; I don’t know).  I know this because she posted on his timeline that she’d had an awesome time with him, and he responded at around 11am today that yeah, it was awesome.  So after weeks of allegedly being too busy with work to do anything fun at all, he finally chose to go do something social with someone…and it wasn’t me.  Which is his prerogative, but it fucking sucks.  The part I cannot forgive is that he did this knowing that I’m upset and was on pins and needles waiting for his feedback.  He had the day off yesterday; he did god-knows-what all day, hung out with this chick in the evening, and was puttering around on Facebook this morning – all while my three emails burned a hole in his inbox.  The latest of those emails, if you’ll recall, was an invitation for him to come over and hash things out this afternoon – and he couldn’t even be bothered to say “Sorry, I can’t.”

Plus, I spent last night in a haze of sadness and desperation punctuated by crying jags while he (apparently) had a super-fantastic time out on the town.  I have a craft fair and an art show to prepare for and I can barely function because of this shit with The Pedant, and he apparently is good to go out and do whatever.  If I didn’t think there was a disparity in our feelings before, I sure do now.

I don’t get it.  Used to be I’d tell him I had an issue and he’d respond super fast, thanking me for letting him know and saying he’d try to accommodate me.  Why does he suddenly not care about my well-being anymore?

And just to be clear, if he’d written me the briefest of notes saying “I’ll respond to this, but give me a few days” I wouldn’t begrudge him his evening out or become infuriated to see that he’s on Facebook or making Twitter posts or whatever.  I don’t expect The Pedant to revolve his entire life around me, and I know that a person can be processing shit in their subconscious while they do other things.  But he didn’t write to me indicating that he needed processing time or that he’d talk to me about it later.  Which makes it look an awful lot like I told him I was upset and he decided “Huh.  This girl isn’t fun anymore.  I’m gonna ignore her now and go do things that are fun.”

This boy used to sleep all night with his arms wrapped around me so tightly I could barely move.  He’d cuddle me in the theatre during movies and caress my face.  He cleaned my apartment for me.  He hooked me up with his old Blackberry, helped me switch phone providers, and spent half an hour reading out the phone numbers from my old phone while I painstakingly transcribed them into the new one.  He told me that on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being “in love,” he felt 7 for me.  He called me on his way to work just a couple of weeks ago and talked me down from the anxiety ledge I was on.  He’d keep postponing leaving my apartment when he was over, and when he finally did go to leave he couldn’t seem to stop kissing me goodbye.  He’d casually and constantly make references to things we’d do in the future.  He frequently had what appeared to be sobbing fits from the intensity of coming inside me.

And now, suddenly, he can’t even be bothered to tell me “I’ll respond to this soon” when I tell him I’m unhappy.  Hell, he can’t even be bothered to tell me “Sorry, that’s your problem.  I’m outta here.”

What the fuck?

Sometime soon I’ll transcribe all the emails I sent so you can see what I actually said to him.  Right now I need to prepare for tomorrow’s craft fair.

12 Comments

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12 responses to “Sigh.

  1. phoenixasubbie

    I hope you get something from him soon. Even closure

  2. gingernic

    It seems like at this point it hardly matters why he’s not answering you. He isn’t, and clearly it’s not something you can handle emotionally. While I understand wanting an explanation/closure and it is preferable to stay amicable with exes, sometimes that just isn’t possible. If staying friends puts 100% of the burden of effort on you, you’ll be stuck with the same pulling of hair and gnashing of teeth you’ve had lately. Hardly seems worth it.

    I hope you don’t have to deal with any more disturbing kitty dreams or crying jags. You have, it seems, a lot of other things in your life more deserving of your attention right now.

    • It seems like at this point it hardly matters why he’s not answering you. He isn’t, and clearly it’s not something you can handle emotionally.

      Totally true.

      Same goes for the whole rest of the relationship, really. It’s embarrassing how long I believed I should gloss over my unhappiness just because the things The Pedant did to cause it had valid reasons (i.e., I don’t think he was doing stuff just to be a jerk).

      If staying friends puts 100% of the burden of effort on you, you’ll be stuck with the same pulling of hair and gnashing of teeth you’ve had lately. Hardly seems worth it.

      Also totally true. I’d debated trying to squelch my emotions for The Pedant and keep on having the sex, or to squelch the emotions and the sex and keep on being friends who hang out. But that thing where he’s infuriatingly evasive when making plans would piss me off no matter what position he occupied in my life.

      I still wish things had ended more amicably, though. He and I run in the same circles; we’re bound to eventually show up to the same club or something eventually. And as it stands, this would ruin my night. I don’t think I’d even be able to look at him. I hate that he has the power to turn a fun outing sour for me. I hate that things are so…charged.

      And while this will no doubt fade with time, I don’t know that it’ll fade that much. I feel like his presence will always annoy me. And this could have been avoided had he talked to me.

      • gingernic

        It can be hard to accept that there’s incompatibility without malice. I mean, it’s easy to break up with someone who’s nasty or clearly doesn’t care about you, but when there’s great chemistry but your schedules or families or geography just don’t work out, it all feels rather tragic.

        Then again, I’ve seen you excuse stuff that makes you unhappy over and over again because of his ASD, and frankly, most high-functioning autistic adults have found a way to show affection even if it tends to feel forced (e.g. If frequent communication is important, one may set an alarm and text you every day at exactly 3pm). There are always challenges with ASD (or any chronic physical or mental illness, really), but at best he’s failing to compensate for his, at worst using it as an excuse.

        I’m sure eventually you’ll be able to see him without it ruining your night. Until then, I hope you find a way to manage when it comes up.

        Once again, all the Internet hugs. I hear blog venting can help, too.

  3. chermae

    I was just wondering….if I may ask about something here to you..before I send to the wrong person. my name is Lee My e-mail address is HHPumps@aol.com

  4. Brugmansia

    I hope the craft fair went well! Craft fair … that sounds like so much fun. I often fantasize about quitting my boring office job to pursue something more artistic (like writing fantasy novels!) but I worry that the business side would take over and suck all the fun out of my favorite creative pursuits. Have you found that, at all? Are craft fairs ‘just a job’ now or do you still enjoy them?

    I don’t see at all how The Pedant can just not respond. My opinion of him is not terribly high right now. He’s coming across as cruel and lazy, to be honest. Long term relationships mean not always being treated in exactly the way we wish. But this radio silence goes beyond a simple mismatch of communication styles. It sounds trite to say “you deserve better” – none of us are perfect, whom we love shouldn’t necessarily depend on objective qualities, and I don’t even think that certain people are more worthy of love than others – but REALLY: you are smart and interesting and beautiful (at least, your hips and hands, ha) and I promise you there are men out there who can hit your sex buttons like The Pendant does AND who enjoy keeping in regular contact and letting their lover(s) know they are treasured.

    I hope you are doing okay, and realizing that you ARE in fact strong enough to deal with any conceivable outcome with regard to The Pedant.

  5. Decklan

    I really just want to make you some tea and hug you and let you know that we’re all here for you.

  6. Maybe try lightening the mood – do some sexting?

  7. Kay

    Tea and hugs indeed. I’m pissed off at the Pedant!

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