I keep hoping The Pedant will belatedly answer my messages. I just want him to say something – anything. The fact that he’s been silent ever since my “ultimatum” email that specifically said I was freaking out over lack of contact is bullshit and no matter what his reason was, I think it means we can’t be dating. We are just fundamentally incompatible in some key ways. But I was hoping to maintain at least enough amicable feelings that if I bumped into him somewhere it wouldn’t be too awkward. If he wrote me any kind of “sorry I didn’t write sooner, but…” message, that would at least salvage some kind of friendship. But he hasn’t. And maybe he won’t. But maybe he will. And I’m poised on this knife-edge of not knowing whether he’s an asshole or just really, really clueless. It’s hard to go forward and process everything that’s happened when I don’t know what to think yet.
…Okay, fuck it, I just sent him an email basically saying that he’s a total shithead for ignoring me and we’re definitely done. That makes me feel a bit more in control of the situation, at least.
I dreamed last night that I cut off Bastardcat’s tail. On purpose. I think I wanted to kill him, and swung a knife or cleaver at him, but either missed or changed my mind at the last minute so instead of being sliced in half he just got his tail severed. And I thought “Well, he’ll die anyway from this; he’ll bleed out.” But Bastardcat didn’t really bleed. He didn’t even seem to be in pain. He just looked up at me with no particular expression. And suddenly I was wracked with guilt and took him and his tail to the vet, who sewed him back together. I was hoping for cat cuddles once he was back together again, but Bastardcat still just looked at me expressionlessly. He didn’t move toward me when I called him, but he didn’t run away, either. And then I woke up.
At first I thought I dreamed this because Bastardcat’s been driving me a bit crazy lately – stepping on my face when I’m trying to sleep and stuff – and I actually have kind of wanted to kill him (not literally kill him, but you know). It didn’t dawn on me til later that the dream was an allegory of this bullshit with The Pedant. I was poised to end it with him, changed my mind at the last minute and wrote him a softer, “I love you but some things need to change” message instead (which I figured might very well end the relationship anyway), then panicked and backpedalled a bit – all with The Pedant giving me no feedback whatsoever.
I wish my brain hadn’t used Bastardcat as a symbol for The Pedant. It was really icky dreaming that I’d hurt my sweet kitty. I could just about cry right now even thinking about it. Kind of adds insult to injury. Thanks, subconscious!
Speaking of insult to injury, The Pedant went out to an event last night with some chick (could be a friend, could be someone he’s interested in; I don’t know). I know this because she posted on his timeline that she’d had an awesome time with him, and he responded at around 11am today that yeah, it was awesome. So after weeks of allegedly being too busy with work to do anything fun at all, he finally chose to go do something social with someone…and it wasn’t me. Which is his prerogative, but it fucking sucks. The part I cannot forgive is that he did this knowing that I’m upset and was on pins and needles waiting for his feedback. He had the day off yesterday; he did god-knows-what all day, hung out with this chick in the evening, and was puttering around on Facebook this morning – all while my three emails burned a hole in his inbox. The latest of those emails, if you’ll recall, was an invitation for him to come over and hash things out this afternoon – and he couldn’t even be bothered to say “Sorry, I can’t.”
Plus, I spent last night in a haze of sadness and desperation punctuated by crying jags while he (apparently) had a super-fantastic time out on the town. I have a craft fair and an art show to prepare for and I can barely function because of this shit with The Pedant, and he apparently is good to go out and do whatever. If I didn’t think there was a disparity in our feelings before, I sure do now.
I don’t get it. Used to be I’d tell him I had an issue and he’d respond super fast, thanking me for letting him know and saying he’d try to accommodate me. Why does he suddenly not care about my well-being anymore?
And just to be clear, if he’d written me the briefest of notes saying “I’ll respond to this, but give me a few days” I wouldn’t begrudge him his evening out or become infuriated to see that he’s on Facebook or making Twitter posts or whatever. I don’t expect The Pedant to revolve his entire life around me, and I know that a person can be processing shit in their subconscious while they do other things. But he didn’t write to me indicating that he needed processing time or that he’d talk to me about it later. Which makes it look an awful lot like I told him I was upset and he decided “Huh. This girl isn’t fun anymore. I’m gonna ignore her now and go do things that are fun.”
This boy used to sleep all night with his arms wrapped around me so tightly I could barely move. He’d cuddle me in the theatre during movies and caress my face. He cleaned my apartment for me. He hooked me up with his old Blackberry, helped me switch phone providers, and spent half an hour reading out the phone numbers from my old phone while I painstakingly transcribed them into the new one. He told me that on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being “in love,” he felt 7 for me. He called me on his way to work just a couple of weeks ago and talked me down from the anxiety ledge I was on. He’d keep postponing leaving my apartment when he was over, and when he finally did go to leave he couldn’t seem to stop kissing me goodbye. He’d casually and constantly make references to things we’d do in the future. He frequently had what appeared to be sobbing fits from the intensity of coming inside me.
And now, suddenly, he can’t even be bothered to tell me “I’ll respond to this soon” when I tell him I’m unhappy. Hell, he can’t even be bothered to tell me “Sorry, that’s your problem. I’m outta here.”
What the fuck?
Sometime soon I’ll transcribe all the emails I sent so you can see what I actually said to him. Right now I need to prepare for tomorrow’s craft fair.