Still no reply from The Pedant – and I know he’s off work today.

I don’t know how to feel.

On one hand, I know now that he spends the majority of his waking hours either at, or commuting to and from, his job.  He’s told me that most nights by the time he makes and eats dinner and has a shower, he only has time for six hours’ sleep – and this is a boy who needs more sleep than Bastardcat.  Seriously, most times that he’s been over here he’s slept for ten hours and then still dozed off for an hour or two after every orgasm I gave him.  When he says he’s been spending most of his days off just catching up on sleep, I believe him.

And I’ve bombarded him with a lot of stuff to think about, probably pretty much out of left field (at least if you’re not a person good at reading signs).  So he probably needs a lot of time to figure out what he wants to say to me, and I’m sure he’d prefer to do this after he’s caught up on sleep and thinking clearly.

On the other hand, why does he not at least acknowledge what I’ve said in some way?  He commutes by bus so there is actually plenty of time to send an “I’ll respond to this soon/please bear with me” note.  Has he not done this because it didn’t occur to him, or because he’s angry at me?  Maybe he feels that a “placeholder” message should contain reassurances that everything is fine (“I don’t have time to properly reply right now, but don’t worry, I still like you”), and he’s not sure he can honestly say that?  I’m afraid he’s being silent because he’s flipping back and forth on whether to keep on bothering with me.  I expected him to react to my message(s) with a pretty instant and visceral “She’s being too high maintenance – fuck this” or an “Oh crap, she’s unhappy, I need to fix it” and respond accordingly.  His silence is…alarming.

I really don’t think he’s the kind of person who would just pull a fade.  I think he’ll say something, eventually.

But when?  And what?




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2 responses to “Suspense

  1. gingernic

    So, I’ve been away from blog land a while and it took a bit of time to catch up on the Pedant situation (man, saying that doesn’t feel stalkery at all…)

    Please accept this offer of Internet hugs.

    Why are conversations so damn hard? We’re adults, we know what we want to say, but add Feelings and it seems like everything turns into six levels of paranoia and misery that are so not worth it. Just…oy vey.

    I hope you get the communication you need soon. i’m sorry it’s such a process to get there.

    • If you’re stalkery, I wouldn’t want you to be, um…unstalkery. I’m glad I have awesome internet people keeping apprised of my current emotional maelstrom and offering comfort, and I gladly accept your hugs.

      I’m increasingly sure that The Pedant and I are going to grind to a halt – if not immediately, then soon. I think the kind of communication I need from him is just fundamentally against his nature, and even if he tries to meet me halfway, he’ll just keep lapsing and needing reminding.

      I’m not sure I can deal with constantly reminding him to do basic things like talk to me.

      If I could emotionally distance myself and just enjoy the sex, that would be awesome. But I’m not sure I can do that. The feel of his arms around me just makes all this Pavlovian…stuff happen to my brain and heart.

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