Backpedalling

Two nights have passed and I still haven’t heard from The Pedant.

Upon rereading my initial ultimatum email, I believe the things I asked for are fairly reasonable (whether he can actually do them is another matter – like saying mushy things to me).  My tone was perhaps a little strident though, since I was feeling really emotional at the time.  And coming on the heels of him telling me that he’s working twelve hour days with a two-hour commute each way, I seem fairly insensitive.  I mean he basically just confessed to me that his life has become a living hell and I responded “BUT WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEE?!?”

Yesterday morning I wrote him a second, softening email.  I said that his description of his situation does put things in perspective for me – I hadn’t realized before that his shifts were all twelve hours long, or how long his commute takes.  I explained that I’d actually been bottling up my issues/concerns for weeks now, specifically because I knew the new job was kinda rough and I didn’t want to add a new stressor to him, but things kind of came to a head and I just…snapped a teeny bit.  I said that I appreciate that he takes the time to answer my texts and emails (he can’t be on his phone or the internet at work, as far as I know, and that leaves very little awake-time in the day for him to keep in touch).  I said that all I meant with the first email, really, is that some minor adjustments to the way we communicate would make a huuuuuuuge difference in how secure and happy I feel, and these adjustments would only take a little more effort.

He still hasn’t replied as of this morning.

One of the things I feel worst about, with that initial email, is firing back “Yeah, no, I’m not taking the time to pore over your schedule.  Here’s mine.  If you wanna see me, you work something out.”  In retrospect that seems a little harsh.  I went back to his initial email with his scheduling stuff.  He’d said “I’m off this weekend, but two days of that are already booked with errands.”  When I first read that, I thought he was saying that all his time off was spoken for.  But when I took the time to read his actual description of his schedule, it indicates he’s off on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  I think he was subtly asking me if I had a day free in there for him to see me and he’d arrange his errands around that.  *Facepalm.*

I’m assuming he hasn’t written to me yet because I dropped a shit-ton of info on him (I’ve been unhappy, I’ve loved him for months now, I want to call what we’re doing a relationship…) and he’s kind of too exhausted from work to deal with the long response this would require.  (I do wish he’d sent me a quick “placeholder” email, but whatever.)  Or perhaps he would find it easier to have a discussion face-to-face.

At any rate, I feel like an idiot for not recognizing his overture re: this weekend, and although I am in fact doing stuff on all three of The Pedant’s days off, there are little pieces of free time in-between.  I just emailed him yet again to tell him he can come by and talk on Saturday afternoon if he wants to.

And now I really, really have to back off and STFU, because either he’s processing and needs time or he doesn’t like me much right now and probably doesn’t want to hear from me.

I have to grit my teeth and wait.

13 Comments

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13 responses to “Backpedalling

  1. John W.

    Ok, when do you wake up and smell the coffee? Drop him like a bad habit, get your life arranged, make new friends, and screw the pants off them. He doesn’t deserve you!

  2. Brugmansia

    12 hour shifts NOT INCLUDING 4 hours of commuting per shift???!?! That’s insane. Either he makes enough to afford an apartment within 30 min of this job, or he needs to quit so that he can focus on finding a new job.

    Don’t regret telling him how you feel. The status quo had been making you seriously unhappy, and upping your own anxiety to help ease The Pedant’s during this rough time is sweet but neither fair nor sustainable. I think talking it out together, in person, is a good idea.

    • Don’t regret telling him how you feel. The status quo had been making you seriously unhappy, and upping your own anxiety to help ease The Pedant’s during this rough time is sweet but neither fair nor sustainable.

      Thank you. I needed to hear that. ❤

  3. trillian

    I’ll probably say something that would normally be considered “feminist” or such, BUT… you spent so much time understanding, waiting, tolerant, thinking he’s Aspie, he’s busy, he’s loving but confused, and you are whiny, clingy, you’re a bitch, you’re claiming too much, trying so hard to accomodate his personality vs yours (“anything but him being uncomfortable about me”) that it has gotten to the point where… where it is just why the heck this should work out when one side is clearly uncomfortable – and the other side we don’t even know what the heck he feels?
    Or if he feels anything at all?

    I know this especially I am 37 myself and one makes more and more compromises about men who at least stick around. And don’t downplay this, age is defintitely a factor and one finds more and more into these situations where even free sex is hard to get. It doesn’t mean though that emotional minority complex needs to take place in the form of “I have an alpja male and he won’t respond to my texts but I’m still cool ‘cos I got an alpa male.”

    You REALLY should do the boomerang test now: throw it away and see if it comes back. If you are ready for any outcome.

    • Yeah, it’s absolutely time to just back off and see what happens. I’ve done everything I can now.

      And it’s true: I’ve been spending a lot of time being uncomfortable or sad while he probably just blunders along with no idea about any of that. And I let things remain this way specifically because it’s so incredibly hard to find someone I like and am attracted to these days that once I find one, I don’t wanna let go.

      I mean, I think the sex with him might be the actual best I’ve ever had (or at least that it’s been so long since I’ve had this chemistry with someone that I can’t remember the last time) but there are limits to what a person should have to take.

      • trillian

        That “really greatest sex” I always found with guys that I was madly, deeply (sometimes unadmittedly) in love with.
        Turns out, had to do nothing with weather or not this was mutual.

        Good for me though, and I only see this now, this came around the corner a zillion times, otherwise I never would have had that much great sex ever 😀 But when I first made the actual discovery about this fact, well, I felt betrayed like.. betrayed and blinded by my own self for decades.

        In the end I figured this is how human biology works, and I’m no longer put off by it. I’m actually ready to have great sex where I am the smitten one and the dude is the unavailable one, unfortunately, even that doesn’t seem to happen that easily lately. And it IS different once you know it.

        • Oh, emotional attachment totally makes sex better for me. But with The Pedant I think it may have happened the other way around – I developed feelings (partly) because the sex was so good.

          There are some very specific things I objectively loooove sexually, and The Pedant does or has most of them. That’s a recipe for attachment right there. 😛

  4. trillian

    Sorry, I meant “the alpha male”

  5. boorf

    I know I’m just some new reader asshole from the internet that you don’t know, but ugh! This guy drives me bonkers! I don’t think you were at all out of line in your ultimatum email (if anything I think you should have left out the love confession) and I think you’ve been incredibly above-and-beyond accommodating w/r/t this guy

  6. Kay

    Count me in with those (so, everyone so far…) who think you’ve been more than fair. This is me if someone told me his schedule was “2 days on, 2 days off, 2 days on, 3 days off, etc” without giving dates: http://24.media.tumblr.com/fc73c134f49433879e8b1f73f380cf42/tumblr_mtp5pnIOja1qafimoo1_400.gif. And, you’re not an idiot–if he was trying to ask if you had a weekend day free, he should have used his words. You’re right that he has communication issues and that at this point it doesn’t matter why and whether he can’t help it, only that it’s making you unhappy. It’s right and good that you spoke up.

    A couple of months ago my boyfriend started working 60+ hours a week, up from 40, which includes 16-hour workdays. Yeah, it sucks, but there was only maybe a week of adjustment and now we don’t actually see each other that much less than we used to (1.5 times a week on average instead of 2). I mean, we’re all individuals with different energy/mental energy levels and blah blah blah, but you’re truly not asking THAT much from the Pedant. I hope you get a reply soon.

  7. Ludonarrative Relationships

    Yup. You screwed up. What you failed to take into consideration is that the man you are seeing is clutching at the opportunity to put himself in a better situation than his previous one.

    To do that he needs to ‘pay his dues’ and that means shit shifts, long hours and mind numbing work until he is in a position to negotiate. Seems to me you’ve jumped the gun and are too busy crying ‘What about meeeeee?’

    You’re the one with the free time to do stuff, to fuss over prospective other partners, etc and writing the pedant off because he’s putting in the hard yards just comes across as selfish and clingy.

  8. mstabbity

    One of the things I feel worst about, with that initial email, is firing back “Yeah, no, I’m not taking the time to pore over your schedule. Here’s mine. If you wanna see me, you work something out.” In retrospect that seems a little harsh.

    I don’t know, I’m not sure it’s that harsh to say “if you want to see me, act like you want to see me.” Dumping a schedule on you and making you do all the work of figuring out where his schedule meshes with yours doesn’t strike me as terribly invested in spending time with you.

    It’s entirely possible that he’s so wiped out from work that sending you his schedule was the best he could do, or that he’s attached to doing things in a particular order (maybe in his head sorting out a livable work schedule must be done before sorting out a new ‘seeing cowgirl’ schedule?), but I’m not sure the specific reasons matter as much as the fact that this is not working for you. It’s not fair for you to be the one bending over backwards to make it work. His commute sounds like it sucks a whole lot, but unless he has extraordinarily bad motion sickness he could text you while he’s on the bus.

    I firmly believe only good can come of talking about what’s making you unhappy and what it would take for you to be happy. Even if it turns out that the pedant can’t give you what you need, I really believe it’s better to end things on good terms than to let the resentment build and build until you can’t stand the sight of each other anymore. At least if you ‘break up’ (I’m not sure what the right word is for a nebulous sort of relationshippy thing) before the two of you end up absolutely loathing each other you have a chance to be friends afterwards.

    Or, you know, you could take Ludonarrative’s crappy advice and ensure the two of you end up hating each other. There’s no way the pedant could end up frustrated and miserable because it seems like it’s impossible for him to make you happy.

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