Two nights have passed and I still haven’t heard from The Pedant.
Upon rereading my initial ultimatum email, I believe the things I asked for are fairly reasonable (whether he can actually do them is another matter – like saying mushy things to me). My tone was perhaps a little strident though, since I was feeling really emotional at the time. And coming on the heels of him telling me that he’s working twelve hour days with a two-hour commute each way, I seem fairly insensitive. I mean he basically just confessed to me that his life has become a living hell and I responded “BUT WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEE?!?”
Yesterday morning I wrote him a second, softening email. I said that his description of his situation does put things in perspective for me – I hadn’t realized before that his shifts were all twelve hours long, or how long his commute takes. I explained that I’d actually been bottling up my issues/concerns for weeks now, specifically because I knew the new job was kinda rough and I didn’t want to add a new stressor to him, but things kind of came to a head and I just…snapped a teeny bit. I said that I appreciate that he takes the time to answer my texts and emails (he can’t be on his phone or the internet at work, as far as I know, and that leaves very little awake-time in the day for him to keep in touch). I said that all I meant with the first email, really, is that some minor adjustments to the way we communicate would make a huuuuuuuge difference in how secure and happy I feel, and these adjustments would only take a little more effort.
He still hasn’t replied as of this morning.
One of the things I feel worst about, with that initial email, is firing back “Yeah, no, I’m not taking the time to pore over your schedule. Here’s mine. If you wanna see me, you work something out.” In retrospect that seems a little harsh. I went back to his initial email with his scheduling stuff. He’d said “I’m off this weekend, but two days of that are already booked with errands.” When I first read that, I thought he was saying that all his time off was spoken for. But when I took the time to read his actual description of his schedule, it indicates he’s off on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I think he was subtly asking me if I had a day free in there for him to see me and he’d arrange his errands around that. *Facepalm.*
I’m assuming he hasn’t written to me yet because I dropped a shit-ton of info on him (I’ve been unhappy, I’ve loved him for months now, I want to call what we’re doing a relationship…) and he’s kind of too exhausted from work to deal with the long response this would require. (I do wish he’d sent me a quick “placeholder” email, but whatever.) Or perhaps he would find it easier to have a discussion face-to-face.
At any rate, I feel like an idiot for not recognizing his overture re: this weekend, and although I am in fact doing stuff on all three of The Pedant’s days off, there are little pieces of free time in-between. I just emailed him yet again to tell him he can come by and talk on Saturday afternoon if he wants to.
And now I really, really have to back off and STFU, because either he’s processing and needs time or he doesn’t like me much right now and probably doesn’t want to hear from me.
I have to grit my teeth and wait.