I never can help myself.

So much for backing off and giving The Pedant some space.  I saw that I’ve got a little block of time off coming up in a couple of weeks and I figured maybe that would be enough advance notice for The Pedant to plan to see me.  He acts as though he never knows what his schedule will be, which means maybe they only come up with the schedule at the last minute, which means if The Pedant wants to see me on a certain day, perhaps he can specifically request not to be scheduled.

I emailed him:

My schedule is slammed with modelling jobs (and a craft fair, and preparations for an art show), but I”m miraculously not working on October 4, 5, or 6 – my longest stretch of continuous free time until November.  If you’re able to come over during that window, hit me up.

Within minutes, he emailed me back:

I’m scheduled to work on all three of those days. 😦

To which I replied: 

You know your schedule that far ahead of time?  I did not realize that.  You’re always so nebulous in the way you talk about it that I thought they sent it to you by carrier pigeon at the beginning of each week or something.

…And then, after hitting send, I whipped off another message out of frustration:

Is there a time when you ARE free and I can check my calendar to see what’s up on my end?

My thinking here is that he’s been on the job for five weeks now; apparently he knows his schedule a few weeks in advance; which means he could pick a time to see me that’s, like, seven weeks into the job.  Surely he’d be past the initial “growing pains” of the training stage and ready to hang out by then, right?  Or if he’s not, at least he has a chance to tell me so; to actually say “this job is fucking me up so much that for the time being I need all my days off to myself.”

And of course he hasn’t responded to any of that.  And I’m absolutely certain that if he does respond, it’ll be with some vague bullshit excuse.  Not an offer of a different day and not an explanation of what the fuck is going on with him.

I can’t even with this.  I just can’t even.  While I have no concrete reason to think that The Pedant is purposely avoiding me, his actions look kind of like that on the surface and my anxiety can’t take it.  I’m this close to just snapping and being like “Look, I need more transparency from you.  If you don’t want to see me – if you’re not into me anymore or whatever – just fucking say so.  If you do still want to see me, then make a proper effort to do so or tell me outright what’s stopping you.  Because I can’t take any more of your vague statements about your schedule being up in the air but maybe you’ll let me know next week and blah blah blah.”

Grrrrrrr.

8 Comments

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8 responses to “I never can help myself.

  1. trillian

    I think something’s rotten in the state of Denmark.

  2. boorf

    I think that’s concrete enough, tbh. It sucks, but I can’t believe that if he really wanted to see you so much, he wouldn’t make the time, you know?

  3. “Is there a time when you ARE free and I can check my calendar to see what’s up on my end?” up on my end – is that sexual hint, lol ?

  4. Jane

    That is really hard, I’m sorry. I feel when I have been in a similar situation, reading and rereading Captain Awkward posts (that were saying what I didn’t want to hear) were helpful.

    Such as:

    “There’s something in there, I think, about making romantic choices from a place of confidence and abundance rather than the feeling of scarcity. You both have other options and know that you do. If you both choose each other, you can feel pretty confident about the choice. People who like you will act like they like you; it will be easy to communicate, to make plans, to talk about stuff.”

    http://captainawkward.com/2012/04/16/229-you-must-chill-online-dating-edition/

    And:

    “if you catch yourself feeling crazy, then go back to 1)Is he as awesome as my friends? 2) If I take a step towards him does he take a step towards me, or do I feel like I’m chasing?
    And if you feel like you are chasing, stop chasing. Not because of stupid evo-psych bullshit about how men and women are supposed to behave, but because you need to do a reality check for reciprocity. If you don’t take any steps forward, does he take one towards you? I have a feeling that the right dude for you will be happy about your enthusiastic and straightforward ways, and someone who gets spooked because a lady asked him out wasn’t feeling it anyway.”

    http://captainawkward.com/2011/04/29/reader-question-42-i-must-chill-how-do-i-chill/

    I have also (and actually way more often) been the one pulling away and feeling smothered. However, 5 weeks of not seeing each other? That feels like a long time.

  5. Brugmansia

    Actually, based on your many months of blogs about The Pedant, I don’t think it’s as straightforward as him just not being into you. Your accounts are of course one-sided, but you generally take a broad, analytic perspective and consider situations in light of multiple angles and possibilities. The definite sense I get is The Pedant IS ‘into you’ – he really enjoys the time he spends with you, likes hearing from you, and likes/loves you as a poly partner. You are friends and lovers! What I don’t see, however, is that The Pedant wants MORE of you than he’s currently getting. This could be a mismatch because I also get the sense that you’d prefer to be much more than friends and lovers, that you’d basically like to be best friends and best lovers.

    As a voyeuristic reader, I sort of want you to snap and ask The Pedant wtf is going on 🙂 But I realize it’s your life, not just internet reading … good luck, boys are not worth all the stress we throw at (ourselves, over) them …

    • I think you’re probably right…paranoia aside, I do think he feels some manner of attachment toward me, but we probably want slightly different levels of depth, together-time, etc. Whether this mismatch will end up being a dealbreaker remains to be seen.

      He told me, a few months back, that his relationship goal is to have someone in his life to whom he can say “I love you.” It’s going to make me very, very sad if I’m not it. It would mean that he’s not rejecting me because he’s in the wrong “place” in his life right for that kind of relationship; he’s rejecting me because I am not loveable to him.

      I did basically snap, this afternoon, and ask him WTF is going on. So…fingers crossed while I wait for his response.

  6. Pingback: ARRRRGH. | hiding in plain sight

  7. Pingback: The big rehash | hiding in plain sight

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