When I haven’t had sex in a while, the entire concept of PIV starts to seem very strange and abstract. “I’m sorry, penis goes where? No, no, that doesn’t sound right. Do people really do that?”
It’s been just over five weeks since I’ve seen The Pedant. For the first couple of weeks of this drought, I missed the sex first and foremost. Now my libido has settled somewhat (and my brain is starting to go funny and I’m starting to wonder whether the concept of sex is just a joke I made up) and a deeper ache has settled in. I just miss him. I miss him so fucking much. When he’s with me, I feel loved. That feeling of love doesn’t come through in his sporadic texts and emails. So now I’m starving. I just wanna curl up in bed with my face in his chest and his entire body wrapped around me.
Make no mistake; if he came over right now we would probably start having sex almost the minute he got in the door. I suspect we’d get naked and I’d go in for the snuggle but he’d make some almost imperceptible moan as I got close to him and then I’d just fuckin’ snap and ravage him. Be that as it may, what I crave most at this particular moment is still simply the smell of him when my face is against his chest.
But I’m kind of at wit’s end because I still don’t know when I’ll see The Pedant again. He has indicated to me that his schedule is all over the place right now and he’ll let me know when it’s stabilized. He hasn’t let me know, so therefore I assume he’s still in flux. And checking over my email and text history with him, it seems that I’ve been initiating contact every two days or so; he responds readily enough, but still; I know he’s busy with work and I don’t wanna be overloading him with bids for attention and/or pressure to tell me when he can see me next.
So I feel like I should back off a bit. But it’s hard. My shitty paranoid jerkbrain keeps trying to tell me that The Pedant doesn’t like me anymore and is just using work as an excuse, even though all evidence points to him telling me the truth. And I miss him. Grrrrrrr.
Also, I have this fear that whenever he does resurface and wanna see me, he’ll do it on too-short notice and I’ll miss my chance. Like he’ll be all “How would you like me to spend the night tomorrow?” five minutes after I’ve made plans to hang out with a friend I see all the time. I do not want to be that person who cancels on a friend in order to see a boyfriend, and I do not want The Pedant to think I’ll drop everything in order to see him. But a near-miss like that would be so painful OMG.
In other news, the (male) service sub I’ve been talking to on FetLife has just confessed to me that he’s “not very sexual” and also (therefore?) a virgin at 36. So that’s the second service sub to come into my life who’s basically asexual (V being the other).
When I keep meeting people who are similar in some way, I tend to think I’m calling them to me somehow. So why is my milkshake currently bringing all the grey A’s to my yard when I’m such a horny motherfucker?
I have two theories.
1) I’m feeling conflicted about sex in some way. Perhaps I’m worried that if I acquire another partner, The Pedant will get paranoid about STIs and stop barebacking me. Perhaps my various fears of sexual intimacy (looking and sounding goofy when I come; hooking up with someone who turns out to be a jerk or a flake or just mediocre at fucking) have made the universe helpfully decide not to give me any sex partners so I never have to face those fears. Perhaps on some level I just don’t believe I’ll ever meet a suitable sex partner again, and this is turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
2) I’m feeling conflicted about D/s. I’ve long been interested in having a service sub, but feel like most of the guys who call themselves that are actually just looking to barter services for orgasms. And while I do want/plan to fuck whatever sub I have – service-oriented or not – I want the fucking to be on my terms. I want it to be part of my dominance: me doing what I want when I want it, including fucking. If I think my sub is framing our sex as a “reward” for him having done my dishes or whatever, that’s gonna sour it for me; I’m never going to feel as though the sex we have is truly my idea. Also, I think submission means wanting to serve just to make your dominant happy. A person who serves in exchange for getting off is not particularly submissive. But I guess I can’t get my head around the idea of a true service submissive, anyway, because the thought of having someone clean my house for nothing more than praise makes me feel guilty. Surely they must want something more than that? Maybe I should fuck ’em. But fucking someone out of gratefulness…yeah, that doesn’t feel super dominant to me.
So obviously I have both curiosity and baggage around the whole “service sub” idea.
I’ve very occasionally heard of a woman having a gay male sub. This seems to me like just about the purest form of submission there is, since it’s obviously not about sex for the guy in any way. And I’ll admit to being curious about that. I’d like for someone to assure me, through their actions and attitude, that my praise really is all they need. Except I’m not sure I’d want a gay sub per se because I’d kinda like the option of having sex.
So, yeah. You can kinda see why the universe sent me two big-time service subs with very little sex drive.
But it’s still kinda funny because I also want another sex partner or two in my life to pick up The Pedant’s slack. At least, I thought I wanted this until the universe appeared to contradict me. I suppose if I’m brutally honest with myself, what I want isn’t more sex partners; it’s more Pedant. But I can’t have that. I need to make do.