My new friend (and possibly suitor?) V has offered to help me clean up my place on Thursday. I asked if she was offering it as a friend or as a sub (as a sub, she’s really into service), and she said just as a friend, for now. Because she said that, I’m taking her up on it. I do like the idea of having a D/s housegirl or houseboy but I don’t wanna jump into anything; also, I feel like I’ve kinda lost my mojo lately and probably couldn’t give a sub the vibe of dominance they’d need in order to thrive.
Yesterday I bumped into Minx and mentioned that I’ve been depressed and fucked up lately and neeeeeed to do something about my apartment clutter for the sake of my mental health. She offered to come help me clean. I appreciate the offer, and might take her up on it one day – there’s enough to do that V and I could attack the mess all day Thursday and there’d still be plenty left over, and I know how good Minx is at organizing things when she wants to be – but the offer is also fraught with baggage I’m not sure I want to deal with. The apartment mess was one of her biggest beefs when we were living together, and she seemed convinced that it was all my fault even though she was just as bad as me. Also, after we fought about it we’d always make an agreement to have communal “cleaning nights” together but then when I tried to enforce this she’d be like “Nah, let’s not do chores tonight. Let’s watch a movie or something.*”
I believe that MInx’s offer of help comes from a generous, helpful place. But the paranoid part of my brain wonders, in its wacky deluded way, whether there’s just a little bit of pity and smugness, too. Like I’m just such a helpless dumbass that she needs to shovel me out of my own filth. Like this proves…something. That I can’t live without her, I guess? That she’s better than me? I don’t know.
The Pedant (who emailed me the other day to tell me he’d bumped into The Social Worker and to ask how I’ve been doing, bless his sweet face) hasn’t been very available to me, but he always seems eager to help me clean when he’s around.
And I’m talking to a service-oriented submissive guy on FetLife who’s really into cooking and cleaning. I can’t tell from his photos whether I’d feel the attraction to him that I’d need for such an arrangement, but personality-wise he seems really lovely.
It seems too good to be true that all these people want to clean my apartment in exchange for nothing more than praise and gratitude. Indeed, I’m guessing a few of these offers will end up falling through for whatever reason. But just bear with me for a moment as I picture myself lounging around in a perpetually spotless living space that I barely have to lift a finger to maintain. Being a gigantic slob as always but never feeling particularly bad or guilty about it because I have multiple helpers and no one person bears the entire brunt of my sloth.** Being able to stroll from one room to the next without slipping, tripping, or hopping over anything.
*My ex husband did the exact same thing back in the day – made me feel like shit about the messy apartment and other things but dodged any attempt to fix it. WTF?
**Here I’m mostly picturing V and the FetLife guy taking turns. To enlist Minx or The Pedant – neither of whom identify as service subs (although in many ways I feel like they kind of are, anyway!) – would feel like taking advantage. Actually, having a service sub also feels like taking advantage; I have a hard time getting my head around this dynamic. If I can figure it out though it’d be awesome.