I’ve hung out a couple of times with a woman from FetLife – let’s call her V, as in Vivacious. Also as in Vivisection, because I’ve seen her dismantle internet trolls in the most delightfully incisive ways!
She noticed me because she liked the comments I was writing in the discussion groups; she friended me and then, soon after that, she asked me out for coffee. I didn’t know whether or not she intended this invite as a date or just a friend thing, but I was sort of okay either way; her photos were cute. 🙂
Midway into that first outing, I determined that I wasn’t really feeling a “vibe” so probably this was a just-friends thing on her part. But then she mentioned that she identifies as asexual and that kinda put things up in the air again; in my mind, romantic interest and sexual interest are all intertwined and I have no idea what just the romantic part would look like. I don’t figure my vibe-sensors would know how to detect such a thing.
For my own part, I’m not sure what I’m feeling. I find V attractive, but that doesn’t necessarily translate to being attracted to her. She sounds like she really, really has her shit together around issues of BDSM, though – I’ve gone on rants before about “subs” who are actually selfish assholes and doms who are irresponsible dickheads and oh, just all kinds of stuff, and she totally gets it. And she’s a switch (which means she’s sometimes submissive, hubba hubba…) with masochistic tendencies. And I really enjoy our conversations.
Today over coffee she told me straight-up that she thinks I’m interesting and she really respects my approach as a dominant, and she was wondering whether I’d be interested in exploring with her. I said that normally BDSM is very much a sex thing for me, but I’d been wondering lately whether it really has to be; I’d be open to experimenting with having a play partner I don’t fuck.
And she was like “Ah, well, the thing is…lately I’ve been feeling attracted to people in a way I’m usually not…this is hard to admit, but I think my sexuality is shifting and I’m not exactly asexual anymore. So, ummm…sex is on the table.” She quickly added a bunch of disclaimers that she doesn’t want anything too heavy right away, she likes me and would enjoy hanging out with me even just as friends if I don’t want anything more, etc., etc.
I said that I totally understood that this conversation was mostly theoretical or whatever. And I told her that I’m open to exploring things, with the codicil that it often takes a long time for attraction to kick in for me so this would probably be about as “experimental” for her as it would be for me. She said she’s slow to become attracted or attached, too, so moving very, very slowly suited her just fine.
Around that point we realized we were hungry, so we left the coffee shop to go to a greasy spoon down the street for all-day breakfast. We talked about all kinds of stuff over our scrambled eggs…including what V is like as a sub. She sounds…pretty amazing. She describes herself as a service sub who loves cleaning and doing chores for someone, prides herself on learning her dom’s needs very quickly, and thrives on praise. The only problem is that I’d feel weird making a woman clean my house. I’d probably feel a little weird doing anything BDSM-y with a woman. I think on some level I still think of F/m dynamics as turning patriarchy on its head; I feel little or no guilt making a boy do something for me. With a girl, though…I dunno. And yes, I know there’s nothing inherently morally wrong about dominating a woman if she says she wants it. But it’s still hard for me to get my head around.
Masochism-wise, V really likes being bitten, so yay for that. She does not like having her hair pulled, which is a shame because it’s long and thick and would be absolutely lovely for pulling. The bigger shame is that she used to like hair-pulling but an abusive partner ruined it for her. She doesn’t like impact play (boo) but kinda likes the idea of pokey things like needles. I…might be able to work with that. Not sure yet.
The prospect of dating V is kind of terrifying, I must admit. She is/was asexual, she’s got issues about being touched in certain areas (she’s trans and dysmorphic), she has baggage from that abusive ex…but I do like her. And she “gets” me so well that I feel like I can really trust her, and I think it’s mutual – otherwise I doubt she’d’ve told me she’s starting to doubt her asexuality. And because I find her attractive but my loins are not (yet?) burning for her, I’m not at all bothered by the thought of taking the physical side of things slowly; in fact I prefer it.
Oh, here’s a fascinating thing: I told her about Minx – how Minx came to me identifying as a boy who was kinda genderqueer, and that’s how I saw her the entire time we were dating, but now she identifies as female. And just as a philosophical exercise, I asked if V thought my having dated Minx makes me bi. I kind of assumed she’d say yes. A lot of trans women go through a stage where they think they’re just cross dressers before they realize what’s actually up; it’s pretty reasonable to assume this was true of Minx, too; ergo Minx was female this whole time, ergo I dated a woman, ergo I’m bi.
Or, I thought there was a chance V would decree “not-bi” because Minx did say she was male back then, and obviously had a male body, so to the best of my knowledge I was dating a dude.
What V actually said, though, was “Hmmm. Well…if you think of your ex as a woman, does that affect your feelings for her positively, negatively, or not at all?” I think that’s insightful as fuck. Clearly, I need to keep this girl around. 😀
(To answer her question: I thought of Minx as female half the time, anyway, when we were together. Or as something in-between male and female. Thinking of her as all girl doesn’t really change anything for me, or maybe makes her slightly more appealing.)
V and I ended up spending around seven hours together, in all. She was shocked when she checked her watch; she’d had a gaming event to go to at a friend’s place and would be arriving much later than she’d anticipated. “Well, in fairness, I am fascinating and also hot,” I said, facetiously. V looked at me and said, dead-serious, “Yes, you are.” Squeeeee!
The other two times we hung out, we said goodbye and just went our separate ways without touching*; this time, V offered a hug and I happily accepted.
So, yeah. That happened.
*I used to automatically give goodbye hugs to anyone I’d spent time with, but have since realized that I don’t actually like pressing my body against most people so now I don’t hug unless I truly want to (or, okay, unless there’s enough social pressure that I cave. Sometimes I’m a wuss). And V didn’t make a move, either.