I forgot to tell you guys – I sorted out that fight with Minx. Apparently she feels that the breakup is too fresh for us to be talking about our relationship, or about relationship dynamics at all. So when I started nosing around the fact that she calls herself a sadist on FetLife, she tried to dodge the issue and accidentally said mean things in the process.
That’s the annoying thing about Minx – she perpetually gets in her own way. All she had to say was exactly what she was thinking: “I’m not comfortable talking about sexual or relationshippy stuff with you right now.” But if I remember correctly, straight-up saying what’s on her mind is not Minx’s strong suit; she seems to think the truth will get her in some kind of “trouble” so she backpedals and obfuscates and ends up making a huge fuckin’ mess.
Well, whatever. It’s fine now.
It’s funny; when I look back on our relationship, it seems ridiculous that I’m even still talking to Minx. But the thing is, she’s not doing
any most of her old shitty things to me. I think living together in this too-small apartment exacerbated a bunch of issues for both of us, to be honest. Too much together time; too little personal space. The personal space issue is solved, so now we’re both way more relaxed and less testy with each other.
We’re not super close friends; there are a lot of areas of conversation that she and I avoid delving into. But we still have the advantage of a history together. We usually exchange massages when we see each other, and we both know exactly where the other one stores their tension and how best to vanquish it. Minx feeds me when I’m over at her apartment, and for once it’s not a terrifying ordeal because she already knows my food preferences and sensitivities by rote. I can’t even tell you how amazing it is to go to dinner at someone’s house and not feel anxious about it.
So I’m glad things worked out.
In other news, my phone was dropping calls and randomly restarting today and I’m afraid it’s because I was out in a superhuge rain storm the other day and got it wet. I texted The Pedant asking if that’s a thing that can happen. He phoned me and we talked about it a bit. His conclusion is that the dropped calls are most likely an issue with my provider’s towers, not with my phone itself, and that the random restarting might be an issue with the battery. He told me to switch batteries and then call him back and we’d see if either issue persisted. I did this, and so far the phone seems okay now.
The Pedant also said that my phone issues might just be because the phone is a few years old now – and told me that once his paycheques start rolling in he can probably chip in for a new phone for me, if not buy one outright. I’m amazed that he would offer this, and I can’t imagine that he does this sort of thing for just anyone (he is really sweet and helpful to all his friends, but hundreds-of-dollars helpful? Seems unlikely). I’ll take this as proof of his devotion.
While I was on the phone with him he mentioned that he was currently off work and running some errands. I asked if he wanted to stop by for a bit when he was done, and he said no, he’d been up way too long already and needed to sleep. He also said he needed to eat and that it would be ludicrous to come raid my fridge and then go home to his parents’ house that’s fully stocked with food. D’awwww…he realizes that he’s a drain on my resources. I never really knew whether he thought of that kind of stuff when he comes to visit me for days on end.
Right on the heels of this soft rejection, he said he’ll probably be able to see me sometime next week and would keep me apprised. So I’m reassured that he really does need to go home for food and sleep but he wants to see me soon. 🙂 The Pedant is not one to say he misses me or to have a mushy inflection in his voice when he talks to me, but I’m beginning to sense that he cares about me nonetheless. I think it might be kinda like an iceberg, where you don’t see much on the surface but there’s a whole lot of stuff going on out of sight.
Now that he has a job and I’ll likely be seeing him less frequently, I really wanna tell him I love him soon. It really does feel like my brain will explode if I don’t, and the pressure keeps building and building… So, I’ve decided that the next time I see him (whenever that is) will be the time. No matter what.
I’m over the idea of feeling hurt if he doesn’t say it back; I believe he feels approximately the same way for me that I do for him, whether he would apply the word love to it or not. The actual descriptor doesn’t matter that much.
And I’m over the terror that my saying it will freak him out and make him all aloof; I did tell him a while back that I was “falling for him” and he told me outright that he was okay with this, and his behaviour toward me didn’t change afterward (or possibly he seemed to feel closer to me).
Mostly, at this point, my only fear of saying it is the awkwardness of him probably not saying it back. I mean I’d rather not just straight-up say “I love you” because the silence after that will be deafening. Better to somehow slip it into conversation organically, if I can. But like I said I need to get this done, one way or another. I won’t be super picky about my opportunities.
And one last tangent before I go: someone put an ad on FetLife saying he was curious about financial domination. I’m curious about it, too, although I really, really don’t groove on the typical femdom image of the haughty bitch humiliating her “pay piggies.” Ideally I’d want a guy who gave money to me simply as a way of serving me, and I’d be like “Good boy; I appreciate your offering. You have done well.” I’m not sure if that exists or not, though.
At any rate, I replied to that guy asking how exactly he’d want things to work, and then I prowled around on some femdom-specific discussion groups, found a guy who says he wants financial domination without the humiliation factor, and messaged him asking for more of his thoughts on the subject.
I’m certainly not counting on the idea of random guys giving me money – I’m still gonna look for work and stuff, obviously. But it’s nice to daydream about finding a cute, compatible sub who makes a habit of paying for stuff.
I foresee two huge problems with finding a finsub, though:
1) Like foot fetishists, finsubs largely seem obsessed with finding a “classy” woman, which I think is code for someone who has long hair and wears dresses and heels, but not skimpy dresses because that’s trashy. Don’t even get me started on how irritating it is to me when a guy uses “classy” to mean “performing femininity to my exact standards”…anyway, I know I don’t fit that mould at all. Maybe I could put on a “classy woman” costume whenever I saw the guy (I do own wigs and one or two outfits that are girly-but-modest) but jeez, that’s a lot of work.
2) Many finsubs talk about wanting to treat a woman to “the finer things in life” and I’m pretty sure I don’t actually like or use those things. I know it sounds stupid. But seriously: I don’t drink wine. My food restrictions make restaurant dining almost impossible. My anxiety issues (and food restrictions) make travel almost impossible. I don’t especially wear jewellery. I’m really tall and built kind of weird, so clothes shopping is a nightmare to which I would not want to subject anyone, and I’m clueless about brand names, anyway. If I had a finsub I’d want him to buy me, like…pink hair dye and combat boots and Swiss Chalet gift certificates and art supplies. Or just pay my rent. I feel like that’s not the sort of thing they fantasize about though.
So I’m pretty positive the finsub thing won’t work out. But there’s no harm in trying.