I’m going to start calling Minx by female pronouns now because – although I’ve forgotten to mention it here – she told me ages ago that she no longer considers herself genderqueer, she considers herself a woman. I don’t think she feels able to go on hormones at this point in time, and she’s definitely not able to come out to her workplace or family. But she’s a woman nonetheless.
Interestingly, I’ve been having a really hard time remembering to call her by her girl name and use girl pronouns, even though I used to do both regularly when we were dating – and not only when she was presenting as female, either. I figured out what it is, though: when we were dating, I was under the impression that Minx simply had a kink for roleplaying as a girl once in a while. I indulged this kink because I’m an awesome, supportive girlfriend, but now that we’re not dating, fuck it – not my job to indulge it anymore. In a way it feels like calling Minx by her girl name is a cutesy little ritual we did as a couple, and therefore not appropriate now. At the time, I guess it was one of our couple-y rituals. But now it’s who she is, and I want to respect that.
Anyway. Last night we had a really annoying conversation online. We were just shooting the breeze at first, and then the subject of FetLife came up and this happened:
Me: Hey, what’s the deal with you listing yourself on Fet as a sadist? When did that happen?
Minx: Earlier this year.
[I actually knew when she’d changed her profile; I’ve been stalking it regularly. What I was actually asking was when she realized she was a sadist. So I prompted:]
Me: What sorts of things do you wanna do to people? I mean did you suddenly have an epiphany that you wanna cut people up with a katana or something? 😛
[I do remember her giving me a hard massage once when we were dating – one that I enjoyed, but in a painful way, and I was making some pretty agonized noises – and her telling me “I hope this isn’t creepy but your sounds right now are really turning me on.” And she told me near the end of our relationship that she had an urge to dominate and was possibly a switch. It’s only mildly surprising to me that she would list herself as a sadist. But then she said…]
Minx: I don’t have much interest in d/s, s/m nonsense. I put it on there more as a warning than anything else.
[She says this to me knowing that I identify as dominant. And also, listing herself as a sadist on FetLife in order to keep undesirable people away makes no sense. First off, creepers never read people’s profiles anyway; secondly, even if they did, she’d only end up attracting masochists, which apparently she’s not interested in because s/m is “nonsense”; and finally, she’s not even active enough on there for anyone to notice her and hit on her. The last activity on her profile was over six months ago.]
Me: I seeeeeee. [Then, half an hour later, realizing that she wasn’t going to reply and I couldn’t overlook her rudeness:] Are you deliberately trying to offend me by calling it “nonsense,” or…?
Minx: No. It honestly doesn’t make sense to me.
Me: …Says the people-pleaser who once got turned on when I shoved panties in her mouth and then fucked her. [A few minutes later…] And surely you know that “nonsense” is a derogatory term.
Minx: Sorry, I meant no offence. [A few minutes later…] You never feel foolish trying to pigeonhole relationships into certain roles? I sure do.
Me: “Pigeonholing” implies trying to cram things in boxes when they won’t actually fit. I don’t do that. There was admittedly a bit of a clash with you in particular because YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE SUBMISSIVE in the beginning and it took a while for me to realize that this was not the case. But when I date, I look for submissives. I don’t try to cram vanilla people into that role.
So yeah. I don’t know WTF is up Minx’s ass but I definitely feel like she’s taking a swipe at me. And what fucking right does she have to take shots at me? I presented myself as dominant right from the getgo – it was written in plain language in the OKCupid profile she met me through. Her own OKCupid profile said she was into BDSM but wouldn’t publicly say which side – but when we met in person and I asked her, she said she was a sub. I started seeing her – and allowed myself to fall for her – on the basis that she was compatible with me kinkwise and would give me what I need to be happy.
I ended up feeling the D/s vibe that I crave maybe half a dozen times in the three years that we were together. I tried to talk about the fact that my needs weren’t being met several times; she kept dodging me. Later, she told me she’d realized she wasn’t submissive at all; she was a bottom or maybe a switch. Later still, she offered me some small compromises to let me get my needs met but then didn’t actually do them. Ultimately, she told me she’d rarely indulged my sadistic/dominant side because she was scared I’d abuse my power, even though I never have and never would and the fear was entirely in her fuckin’ head.
And now she starts acting like she’s bitter about that aspect of our relationship? Fuck that. Just fuck it right in the ass with a pineapple.
…You know what? THIS WILL NOT STAND. I just messaged her back saying that if she has a problem with how I identify or the way I live my life, I’d like her to come out and say it instead of being a catty, passive-aggressive bitch.
When I think back on all the shit Minx put me through in our relationship, I don’t know why I’m still friends with her, anyway. If calling her out on this latest piece of bullshit makes her bail on me, then good riddance. I have nothing to lose but the occasional foot massage and funny shared Facebook link.