I’m going to start calling Minx by female pronouns now because – although I’ve forgotten to mention it here – she told me ages ago that she no longer considers herself genderqueer, she considers herself a woman. I don’t think she feels able to go on hormones at this point in time, and she’s definitely not able to come out to her workplace or family. But she’s a woman nonetheless.
Interestingly, I’ve been having a really hard time remembering to call her by her girl name and use girl pronouns, even though I used to do both regularly when we were dating – and not only when she was presenting as female, either. I figured out what it is, though: when we were dating, I was under the impression that Minx simply had a kink for roleplaying as a girl once in a while. I indulged this kink because I’m an awesome, supportive girlfriend, but now that we’re not dating, fuck it – not my job to indulge it anymore. In a way it feels like calling Minx by her girl name is a cutesy little ritual we did as a couple, and therefore not appropriate now. At the time, I guess it was one of our couple-y rituals. But now it’s who she is, and I want to respect that.
Anyway. Last night we had a really annoying conversation online. We were just shooting the breeze at first, and then the subject of FetLife came up and this happened:
Me: Hey, what’s the deal with you listing yourself on Fet as a sadist? When did that happen?
Minx: Earlier this year.
[I actually knew when she’d changed her profile; I’ve been stalking it regularly. What I was actually asking was when she realized she was a sadist. So I prompted:]
Me: What sorts of things do you wanna do to people? I mean did you suddenly have an epiphany that you wanna cut people up with a katana or something? 😛
[I do remember her giving me a hard massage once when we were dating – one that I enjoyed, but in a painful way, and I was making some pretty agonized noises – and her telling me “I hope this isn’t creepy but your sounds right now are really turning me on.” And she told me near the end of our relationship that she had an urge to dominate and was possibly a switch. It’s only mildly surprising to me that she would list herself as a sadist. But then she said…]
Minx: I don’t have much interest in d/s, s/m nonsense. I put it on there more as a warning than anything else.
[She says this to me knowing that I identify as dominant. And also, listing herself as a sadist on FetLife in order to keep undesirable people away makes no sense. First off, creepers never read people’s profiles anyway; secondly, even if they did, she’d only end up attracting masochists, which apparently she’s not interested in because s/m is “nonsense”; and finally, she’s not even active enough on there for anyone to notice her and hit on her. The last activity on her profile was over six months ago.]
Me: I seeeeeee. [Then, half an hour later, realizing that she wasn’t going to reply and I couldn’t overlook her rudeness:] Are you deliberately trying to offend me by calling it “nonsense,” or…?
Minx: No. It honestly doesn’t make sense to me.
Me: …Says the people-pleaser who once got turned on when I shoved panties in her mouth and then fucked her. [A few minutes later…] And surely you know that “nonsense” is a derogatory term.
Minx: Sorry, I meant no offence. [A few minutes later…] You never feel foolish trying to pigeonhole relationships into certain roles? I sure do.
[WHAT?!?!?]
Me: “Pigeonholing” implies trying to cram things in boxes when they won’t actually fit. I don’t do that. There was admittedly a bit of a clash with you in particular because YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE SUBMISSIVE in the beginning and it took a while for me to realize that this was not the case. But when I date, I look for submissives. I don’t try to cram vanilla people into that role.
——
So yeah. I don’t know WTF is up Minx’s ass but I definitely feel like she’s taking a swipe at me. And what fucking right does she have to take shots at me? I presented myself as dominant right from the getgo – it was written in plain language in the OKCupid profile she met me through. Her own OKCupid profile said she was into BDSM but wouldn’t publicly say which side – but when we met in person and I asked her, she said she was a sub. I started seeing her – and allowed myself to fall for her – on the basis that she was compatible with me kinkwise and would give me what I need to be happy.
I ended up feeling the D/s vibe that I crave maybe half a dozen times in the three years that we were together. I tried to talk about the fact that my needs weren’t being met several times; she kept dodging me. Later, she told me she’d realized she wasn’t submissive at all; she was a bottom or maybe a switch. Later still, she offered me some small compromises to let me get my needs met but then didn’t actually do them. Ultimately, she told me she’d rarely indulged my sadistic/dominant side because she was scared I’d abuse my power, even though I never have and never would and the fear was entirely in her fuckin’ head.
And now she starts acting like she’s bitter about that aspect of our relationship? Fuck that. Just fuck it right in the ass with a pineapple.
…You know what? THIS WILL NOT STAND. I just messaged her back saying that if she has a problem with how I identify or the way I live my life, I’d like her to come out and say it instead of being a catty, passive-aggressive bitch.
When I think back on all the shit Minx put me through in our relationship, I don’t know why I’m still friends with her, anyway. If calling her out on this latest piece of bullshit makes her bail on me, then good riddance. I have nothing to lose but the occasional foot massage and funny shared Facebook link.
hiding in plain sight 
Wow. Came as a total surprise to me. (The changing sex thing.) I have a couple of things I want to ask you…
Do you know why you want to be in contact with Minx still?
Can you suss out why it is so important for you to go through what you had together, when Minx is speaking about her feelings about what’s going on with her now?
**
I was very surprised when you started sharing that you are still seeing each other and communicating (semi?) regularly. It seemed pretty evident to me that Minx has a huge score to settle with her identity and sexuality when you guys split. For her the words and guidelines of BDSM might not hit home. Doesn’t that just make sense? She didn’t know if she wanted to submit, dominate, hurt or be hurt or what and that set into motion the emotionally traumatizing things that ended your romantic relationship. Seems that she doesn’t know who she is nor what she needs and it sounds pretty sound for her to see it as “pigeonholing” to be assigned a certain position in a relationship, because she doesn’t know what she wants.
It can be pretty intimidating to be with someone who knows exactly what they want, if you don’t, and it might be even harder to find what you want, if you really want to please the other one. She might not see (yet) how there’s no right way or even a set of properties you need to have to call yourself a sub, a switch, a dominant, sadist or masochist. That you can have some of everything and you don’t need to fit into a position in a relationship unless you choose a relationship like that – and even then it’s a constant negotiation, not an everlasting contract.
For me, hearing her say she put “sadistic” in her profile as a warning sounds so much like trouble I really don’t want a part of. Like it is so wrong to want to hurt someone. Remember the early days of realizing what you need? Having to apologize for your fantasies and bury them deep, because hurting someone is so bad, you must be a bad person for wanting it? Not everyone goes through that path, I guess, but I have (from the other side) and seen so many others do to. Seems she’s going through it. And like always she’s not very good at wording it and definitely not good at caring for your feelings in the middle of it.
I understand it must hurt she lead you on, but she wasn’t lying, she wasn’t knowingly deceiving you when you started out. She just didn’t know and couldn’t face what she wanted. If she can start to now, that’s a good thing for her. But if you can only see that as some sort of a swipe at you and the relationship you had (and honestly, I would probably too), maybe it’s best if you don’t hang or share so much with her?
People grow and learn and not always the way we’d like them to. You will perhaps never get any reconciliation about what happened between you two. You certainly won’t get it if she’s in the middle of sorting her sexual identity and is taking it hard.
Do you know why you want to be in contact with Minx still?
Can you suss out why it is so important for you to go through what you had together, when Minx is speaking about her feelings about what’s going on with her now?
These are really good questions.
I’m still in touch with Minx because the issues we had are sort of gone now that we’re no longer dating or living together. I guess the pressure is off, or something.
Sometimes I look back over my posts here, remember the horrible shit she did to me, and think “Jesus, why do I even still talk to her?” but she’s not doing any of those things now. And we still have similar senses of humour and overlapping taste in media and our history gives us a kind of shorthand with each other that’s really nice. A couple of weeks ago I visited her apartment for the first time and she made me dinner, which was not fraught with anxiety (as food-related events almost always are for me) because she knows what I can eat and what I like. Plus: expert foot massages.
The friendship isn’t super important to me, though. I really will not tolerate any crap at all from her. I reached my limit on that when we were still together.
As for why this latest incident has dredged up so many memories…
First off, I’m angry that she referred to D/s as “pigeonholing” people into particular roles. Is that what she thought I was doing to her? Because she fucking SAID. SHE. WAS. SUBMISSIVE. Maybe she thought that in expecting her to actually be submissive like she said she was, I was pushing or pigeonholing her – but that’s completely unfair. And I think it’s stupid of her not to understand that if someone is genuinely submissive and they get together with someone who is genuinely dominant, they just mesh with no “pigeonholing” required. It feels like she’s being deliberately obtuse.
It also feels like she’s being deliberately obtuse when she calls BDSM “nonsense.” It’s true that for the most part she wasn’t able to give me the dynamic I needed, but we did have a few times where it worked; where the synergy was completely there. I know she felt it. There’s no mistaking that energy. Other times, she topped me a bit (like the time she gave me a hard massage that reduced me to a screaming, quivering puddle) and felt a taste of dominance and I saw that it thrilled her.
She may not be interested in kink anymore, but when she says the entire concept of BDSM “doesn’t make sense to her” she’s flat-out lying. And I want to know why.
For me, hearing her say she put “sadistic” in her profile as a warning sounds so much like trouble I really don’t want a part of. Like it is so wrong to want to hurt someone.
YES, this. Totally. And in thinking that the title of “sadist” will drive everyone away, she’s ignoring the fact that masochism is a thing. Which is odd because Minx herself used to love being bitten or spanked from time to time – and I didn’t go lightly.
But I feel as though she might be lying to me again there and in fact she is a sadist or dominant. Albeit one in denial. Perhaps she tells herself the title of “sadist” will drive people away when really she’s hoping it’ll draw someone closer. Perhaps, in a weird way, she’s embarrassed to admit to me that she’s actually on the opposite side of the slash from how she initially presented herself.
I understand it must hurt she lead you on, but she wasn’t lying, she wasn’t knowingly deceiving you when you started out.
I know she wasn’t. But I kind of feel like she was knowingly deceiving me a year or so in, when I kept saying “Dude…are you sure you’re submissive? Because you never actually seem to want to give up control to me” and she’d say “Yes!” but nothing would ever change. I tried to talk with her about the ways in which she’d like to express her alleged submission, just in case the specific activities I liked weren’t things that worked for her, and she kept refusing to discuss it. Our relationship was semi-open by then anyway, I think, so why the fuck didn’t she just say “Yeah, you’re right, it’s not working for me. Go find someone else to dominate”? Why did she insist that she was a sub but then not even try to meet me halfway in anything? Why did she keep giving me hope when it was hopeless?
And then, after all of that, to imply that any dom who wants a sub is trying to force that person into a box where they don’t belong, and should feel foolish? Fuck you, Minx. Stop projecting your own issues all over me. Get your shit together.
You will perhaps never get any reconciliation about what happened between you two.
I know, and I’d mostly made my peace with that…except she’s deliberately stirring up shit again.
I think, that when she says “d/s, s/m nonsense”, she’s not calling all bdsm/kink nonsense. Rather, she’s talking about identifying as a specific role. She doesn’t want to identify as either specifically as a dominant or as a submissive, which is not uncommon (more so, perhaps, for my and her generation than yours).
Calling the alternative nonsense is still an asshole move, though. Just another version of the One Twoo Way crap.
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