After much internal struggle and a certain amount of asking advice from friends, I decided I’d probably better address The Baby Duck’s latest text directly instead of ignoring him and hoping he’ll go away.

My friends said that in saying that I think I need to call it quits, I was unclear and TBD probably thought I was actually trying to say “I’ll bail if things don’t improve.”  I disagree with this assessment.  Studies have shown that guys know how to interpret a “soft refusal” just fine.  Also, I followed it up with “I wish you all the best” so come on.

But whether he wrote me back because he’s deliberately playing on my niceness or because he genuinely didn’t understand, it seemed like a good idea to definitively cut things off.  It wasn’t gonna get any less awkward if I ignored him and he wrote me yet again.

So I responded to his are-you-free-this-week with “Sorry, you misunderstand me; I don’t wish to see each other anymore.  I have no hard feelings, and I hope you don’t either, but it’s done.”

Within five minutes he wrote back “Fine, suit yourself.  Bye.”

The anger in The Baby Duck’s response makes me antsy.  I don’t see TBD as the vengeful or stalking type, but my heart is pounding nonetheless.  I see guys ranting all the time about women rejecting them, and they just get so enraged.  They couch it in terms of women rejecting them the wrong way.  There are three prevalent themes to these rants: “why do women have to be such bitches about it?  Why can’t they be polite?” “why do women have to be so vague?  Why can’t they just say what they mean, straight up?” and finally, “why don’t women write/call me back?  If they’re not into me, they should say so!  They shouldn’t just be silent until I get the hint!”

Call me crazy but I think maaaaaybe these guys are actually angry not at the way the rejection went down, but at the very fact that they were rejected at all.

And maybe I just hang out in weird social circles, but I’ve never known women to get angry over being rejected.  Hurt or disappointed, sure.  But not flat-out white-knuckle rage.  

Anyway, I tried to reject The Baby Duck gently so he wouldn’t get that scary angry vibe, but it seems like he did, anyway.  I should’ve been blunt from the beginning; he still would’ve gotten pissy, but at least the whole exchange wouldn’t have been drawn out so long.

OH FFS.  I left off writing this entry to putter around on FetLife for 45 minutes or so and  HE’S JUST TEXTED ME AGAIN:

“I just hope it’s not in reference to Saturday night, like I said I wasn’t going to just twiddle my thumbs for multiple hours waiting for your friends.”  (Saturday was the night he said he’d meet my friends and I at the nightclub but didn’t show.)

I do not like this.  He may just be looking for closure, but this is just coming off defensive and bitter to me – like he’s trying to turn things around and make me out to be the jerk when I never said there was a jerk in this equation at all. 

And by the way, I never asked him to sit around for hours twiddling his thumbs.  I asked if he wanted to come out to the club and he said yes; when he asked what time my posse and I would be there, I said it would be an hour or two.  He said he wasn’t going to go to the club and wait around there alone (I hadn’t asked him to!) but why didn’t I tell him when we were heading over and he’d take a cab and meet us there.  

He’s acting like I messed up that night by treating him like a doormat when in fact he messed it up by telling me he’d be there and then standing me up without so much as a text.

Anyway.  It feels as though he deliberately ignored my first breakup attempt, got pissed off when I restated my case with no room for plausible deniability on his part that time, and now he’s trying to engage me so he can argue/negotiate.  

If he’d asked if I was just pissed off about Saturday, without injecting all that blamey language into it, I might have responded. But no.  My inner Ackbar is telling me that IT’S A TRAP and I’d better not respond.

Jesus.  So much drama for someone I’ve only seen, like, six times and haven’t even slept with.


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7 responses to “JUST GO AWAY ALREADY.

  1. Fnord

    Trying to win the argument rather than trying to actually accomplish my objectives in the conversation is a trap I fall into all the time. Whether it’s a conscious strategy on his part or not, not engaging is the right call.

    If circumstances demand another response, add more “we’re broken up” (with “don’t contact me again” to taste).

  2. Eep

    Can only echo whats being said, reiterate if you have to then ignore.

  3. trillian

    I think it’s 2 words: bad conscience. He f..in knows he screwed it.

  4. Vy

    yeah, definitely do not respond. i’ve been giving a bunch of friends breakup advice recently (because none of them have made the spectacular variety and depth of mistakes that i have! hooray!), and the thing i keep returning to is “do not explain unless you are (potentially) willing to be persuaded. and ps, if you were, we wouldn’t be having the conversation” (the latter aspect does not so much apply to you). but yeah, PsychicDom over here definitely predicts that “it was because of x” will result in either “well, i can fix that, so we are definitely still going out” or “YOU ARE WRONG TO FEEL THOSE FEELS WAAAAAIIIIII?!?” It’s almost polite of him to be such an idiot before you go to the trouble of sleeping with him — think of all the hassle you’ve avoided!

    • do not explain unless you are (potentially) willing to be persuaded.

      This is my philosophy, too…more or less. I feel guilty breaking things off without any explanation at all, but I try to give one that can’t be argued with because it’s based on how I feel. In this case, I also overstated my own unavailability by several orders of magnitude so he wouldn’t think he could fix this by changing his own habits – but of course that didn’t entirely work.

      And yeah. I’m glad I didn’t sleep with him. If he only knew how close he got…I actually took the step of obtaining some large-sized condoms a few weeks back with him in mind. (He indicated once that he’s girthy enough to need large ones.)

  5. Pingback: Mystery Man Returns | hiding in plain sight

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