As I’d mentioned, I broke things off with The Baby Duck the other day. I don’t have my phone nearby to transcribe the exact conversation, but basically he was asking me if I had time to hang out soon and I said “I think I need to call it quits, actually.” I said that he has many good qualities, but that with both our schedules* being so erratic, it’s just too difficult for us to see each other – and that it’ll get even worse for me come September when the art schools open up again. I said I can’t let myself look forward to seeing him ever because there’s always such a good chance of plans getting postponed.
He replied that he was sorry to hear that, and that it’s funny I’m saying this now because he’s just entering into the non-busy part of his work year. And he apologized again for his no-show at the club the other night but said “it was kind of short notice, to be honest.”
I replied “Understandable**. I’m not a very spontaneous person, myself.”
And that was it. I’m done with you, I’ve forgiven your latest transgression, everything’s amicable, goodbye.
But today I woke up to a text from him asking if I was free sometime this week.
I…guess I’ll ignore the message and if he follows up I’ll just have to be like “I’ve broken it off. I’m sorry, I thought that was clear.”
In the past, I’ve tried so hard to sugar-coat a breakup that I think the other person had no idea I was even trying to break up with them and they just kept on dating me (or maybe they were being deliberately obtuse? But in my mind’s ear I can hear myself nervously prevaricating and talking in circles, and I can recall the various people I was trying to break up with looking completely blank as they listened to me ramble, so it probably was a me-problem). Obviously with The Baby Duck I wasn’t super brutal or anything, but I really thought I’d made my point clear. Hadn’t I?
I hate that I took so long to get up my nerve to dump The Baby Duck and he’s apparently just ignoring it.
*Actually, the problem is mostly his schedule. I had to cancel on him once because I was offered a shift; he cancelled on me something like four times. In a row. And then pulled a no-show at the club because he fell asleep. I habitually make break-up speeches mostly about me so that the other person can’t cancel out my concerns by promising to do better. I’m done with this guy. I don’t want to give him the impression he can fix things because he can’t.
**Lies. It is not understandable to me. I mean I get not feeling like going out on such short notice, but fucking say so. Don’t offer to come out and then stand me up. But, again, no point in stirring up a bunch of shit. Talking this through would only be useful if I wanted to fix things with him, which I do not.