I believe the universe brings us the things we ask for (in love, at least…I haven’t refined this theory beyond that). Our “asking” may not be a conscious thing*, and the universe may interpret our requests in weird ways, but it tries to give us what we want nonetheless.
So this is me taking stock of some things.
I’ve realized that my conscious and subconscious are in conflict once again. Consciously, I miss being in love and would like to find that again. But subconsciously, I’m afraid of getting that attached. This time it’s not so much because I fear breaking up, it’s because I fear staying too long if things start to go to hell. It’s become apparent to me that my boundaries are all screwed up: I’ve internalized the idea that it’s bad to want to change someone, and so when a partner has a habit that upsets me, I immediately set about rearranging my personality and reactions to try to accommodate this. It doesn’t even occur to me to ask them to stop doing the upsetting thing, because that would mean I wasn’t accepting them for who they are.
I suppose part of this is also the terrifying spectre of the Psycho Bitch. You know, that chick every guy seems to talk about in disparaging terms. Some of the Psycho Bitches in these guys’ stories actually do sound really needy and unbalanced, but others seem to get slapped with that term simply because they weren’t completely accommodating at all times. Meanwhile, when I handle an issue with a guy without showing much emotion, he’ll usually praise me for not being a Psycho Bitch. All of which has brought me to the conclusion that the perfect girlfriend is one who never, ever gets sad or angry.
I realize that it’s ridiculous to let myself be manipulated this way. I realize that a guy who wants a woman who never gives him uncomfortable feels is a guy who probably should be dating a blowup doll and I should run away. But I guess I thrive on approval. I love it when The Pedant congratulates me for not being like Those Other Emotional Irrational Women, even as I seethe at the implications. And I shove all my emotions down so he’ll continue telling me how awesome I am. Which will eventually – as it did with Minx – lead to me getting fed up and bailing because of all the upset I’m suppressing, when meanwhile The Pedant has no idea there was even anything wrong. After all, I never said anything…
So clearly I need to sort some things out before I can have a deep, long-term relationship again. And the best way to sort these particular issues out is through practice – I think I need a boy to be my emotional punching bag (I say this facetiously; I’m so messed up right now that I feel like calmly stating my displeasure with someone is the same as being mean to them…).
So, universe: send me a fun boy for light companionship and kinky sex. Someone I click with, but not so deeply that suddenly there’s a lot at stake.
He should probably be poly. He should definitely be feminist. And not Aspie or ADD this time! I want the kind of guy who pays such close attention to my body that he knows my sexual needs better than I do. And let him be a person who enjoys frequent contact, because The Pedant’s silences are completely warping my mind.
Looks-wise, I’ve been craving a bit more of a manly-man than usual. And gingers; gingers are fucking hot. Bring me a slightly beefy guy with broad shoulders, a lean, high-cheekboned, Irish face, and amazing copper hair. Or a natural blonde; I like those, too. Full lips. A bit alternative-looking in some way (long hair or spiky hair or stretched ears or a goth- or punk- tinged wardrobe). Really attractive hands and feet.
And since almost all my dating experience has been with guys way younger than me, make this one around 35. You know what they say about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Of course, I could just start letting loose on The Pedant when I’m pissed off, and seeing what happens. I actually think he can take a lot more shit than I’ve been dishing out; dude has a thick skin. But just in case I try that and it doesn’t go well, I could still do with a backup boy. So, universe, send me this dude regardless. I can sharpen my claws on him, or sharpen my claws on The Pedant and then have someone to run to if that blows up. Win-win.
*Observe this post in which I figured out I’d been accidentally “asking” for guys who couldn’t commit, and revamped my thinking…I met Minx eight weeks later.