Spent the last few days intermittently talking to an 18 year old sub from FetLife.  He had the full complement of issues that his ilk always seem to have:

  • Overeager/overly optimistic – almost immediately began talking to me as though we were in a D/s relationship, simply because we’d exchanged a few messages and had some compatible kinks.
  • Tunnel vision: wanted to “do whatever I wanted” in theory, but kept defaulting to his own preconceived notions of D/s, i.e. calling me “mistress” after I’d told him I didn’t enjoy or require it.
  • Self-centred: our first instant messenger conversation was, predictably, mostly me asking questions and him answering them as briefly as possible and then trying to steer the discussion toward sex and kink.
  • Scared/secretive/flighty: asked me for photos of myself and only grudgingly sent some back (aside from pics of his cock, which he shared without me asking), made excuses when I asked to meet him in person (it’s possible the excuses were valid and he would actually have met me under different circumstances though).  Generally, he talked a good game but I kind of wondered whether he might be too chickenshit to actually venture out of cyberspace and make it a reality.

I kept talking to him because he took direction slightly better than previous guys have; like when I told him to ask me nonsexual things about myself instead of just mining me for wank fodder, he apologized and held a real conversation with me, and when I told him not to call me “Mistress,” he apologized and stopped (for a while…).  It seemed as though I might actually be able to train him out of his newbie issues and turn him into a pretty solid sub.  And I have a huge soft spot for cougarbait, naive and annoying though they can be.

Last night he was like “So before we meet in person [which he knew I wanted to do, although we hadn’t set a day yet] I think we should talk about what kind of hypothetical relationship we might have.”  That seemed like a good idea.

We discussed what we were looking for, and it seemed like we were very much on the same page.  He didn’t mind the idea of being one of multiple boys for me, and his kinks matched up to mine quite well.  He said he liked the idea of automatically taking off all his clothes when he entered my apartment, and putting on a special collar designated for him.  He said he’d like to have me control his orgasms, like to a point where I was telling him exactly when and how to have them and how long to take.  I adore both of these ideas.  The one area where we differed is that he brought up the idea of punishments and rewards, and I am anti-punishment and feel that making me happy should be its own reward.  He quickly caved and said that my way was fine.

Speaking of orgasm control: for a few days (in keeping with his overeagerness) he’d been sending me presumptuous messages stating that he wanted to come but “needed Mistress’ permission first” and I kept on rebuffing him and saying that he was not yet my sub so I didn’t want that responsibility – wank whenever you feel like it, kiddo.  

Later in the conversation about our potential relationship, he asked if he could come, and I relented – less because I gave a shit and more because I figured we’d be able to have a better conversation if he cleared his head.  But in order to exert my control and give him a taste of what being my sub would be like, I dictated the exact circumstances: he had to come by humping his bed, fully clothed.  If he didn’t finish within five minutes, he wouldn’t get to come at all that night (and I would end the night’s conversation, although I didn’t tell him that); if he did come, he had to remain in his sticky clothes and keep on talking to me.

He was done in three minutes.  Well, allegedly.  It’s not like I have any proof of anything; I can only go by what he typed to me.

Still, the idea that he’d come just for me, precisely the way I’d wanted him to (and the image of an eighteen year old boy helplessly humping the bed and jizzing his pants within three minutes) was more thrilling than expected.  I did not feel aroused in a crotch-based way (I still had only a vague idea of what he looked like, and wasn’t letting myself get too lost in fantasy) but when he dutifully reported that he’d come, and answered my subsequent questions about what it felt like to be sitting there with besmirched underwear, my face flushed and I got all giggly for a while.  RAWR.

A little later, he asked me if he could come again.  As I think I’ve admitted here before, I may be dominant but I’m also female, and as such I was raised to put others first.  I still struggle with separating out what I want from what someone else wants, and staying true to myself.  So I did briefly consider giving this kid the okay for a second wank…but then realized that I really didn’t feel like sitting around waiting for him to be done so we could talk some more.  I just wasn’t in that headspace anymore.  Also, better he should understand from the beginning that doing what I want isn’t always going to be fun.  So I told him no, no more coming that night – but that as of the next morning I retracted my authority and he could wank whenever he wanted.

He freaked out, thinking I was “breaking up with him” or pulling a fade or whatever.  I told him no, it wasn’t that, it’s that I still didn’t feel comfortable taking on the orgasm control thing when he and I hadn’t even met yet.  I gave him this big speech about how it’s bad to get too invested in a fantasy, that it’s possible we’d meet up and not feel any spark whatsoever, that if we’d been doing a bunch of sexual stuff online and then the in-person meeting was meh it would make things so awkward, etc.

Instead of telling me that he understood where I was coming from (or that he didn’t understand and needed me to explain some more) he replied with “I came again.  I’m sorry.  I couldn’t help it.”

Which…okay, first of all, I think it’s rude as fuck for him to be wanking away while I was goddamn talking to him.  Unless I was providing dirty talk for that express purpose, of course, but this was obviously not the case.  Secondly, does he want me to control his orgasms or not? 

I responded to his little announcement with something like “Unless you came while sitting still with your hands at your sides, it seems to me you COULD help it.”

He apologized profusely, and I pointed out to him that if he wants to give me control over his orgasms, he has to actually, like, give me control.  All the time.  Not just when he feels like it.  Otherwise there’s no D/s dynamic here.

He promptly told me that he hadn’t actually come; that he’d lied because he was hoping for punishment.

“And what did I say about punishments earlier?” I prompted.

“That you don’t give them.”

So good; at least he was listening to that.  I reiterated that I get violent feelings when I’m turned on, so if it’s pain he’s wanting, the fastest way to get there is in fact to please me.  

I’m honestly not sure whether he did come a second time or not.  Maybe he did jerk off, and then backpedaled about it in order to avoid my wrath.  Maybe he really did lie about jerking off in order to invoke some kind of funishment from me.  Either way, he was manipulating me and I don’t appreciate it.  I feel like I handled it okay, though; I didn’t let him get away with it, but I didn’t respond in a way that any rational person would find titillating – no yelling, no insistence on some kind of concrete, physical penance – just a big ol’ boring talk about feelings.  That’ll teach him. 😛

Around that point, he said he didn’t know why I liked him; he said it seemed as though I was constantly upset with him.  Awwww fuck: self-esteem issues ahoy.

I was like “really?  Because it seems to me we’ve been having a perfectly pleasant conversation, followed by a small incident that we talked through and solved.”

He admitted that he has huge issues with depression and self-esteem and feels like he can never do anything right, blah blah blah.  It suddenly occurred to me that his entire identity as a submissive pet was probably fabricated out of his insane neediness and hunger for approval.  Red flag: I don’t want to feel like I could make or break a sub, and I don’t want to feel like I can’t give him constructive criticism without him falling to pieces and torturing himself.

I gave him a little lecture on the topic of self-esteem, and then he changed the subject because it made him uncomfortable and we made some neutral chit-chat, and then I called it a night.

This afternoon he messaged me some more.  It started off amusing enough but took a wrong turn, beginning with him sending me unsolicited pictures of his dick (in fairness, I had just asked him how big it was and whether he was cut or uncut.  It wasn’t a total non sequitur).

He asked me what I thought of his dick, and I honestly barely give a shit about guys’ penis photos, but I told him it seemed aesthetically pleasing enough or whatever.  He indicated that of the other people he’s shown those pics to, a fair number said the same thing.  And then dropped the little tidbit that cock compliments are the only compliments about him that he actually believes, which holy fuck red flag.

I think this kid must have an extremely penis-centric view of the world (too much porn, I’m guessing) and would be shattered to realize how little most women give a shit about that stuff.  And I can’t help thinking that if he thinks his dick is the only good thing he has to offer, that can’t possibly bode well for his attitude as a sub.  Not with me as his dominant, anyway.  

I told him that his statement about only believing those compliments is kinda messed up, and then changed the subject by asking to see more pics of his face.  The single photo he’d emailed me before had him standing far away from the camera, in bright sunlight, wearing a hat with a brim on it; his face was pretty much a blob of shadow with a triangle of light where the nose should be*.

He said he hated his face (arrrrrgh red flag for high maintenance-ness) and I was like “And that’s relevant how, exactly? :)”

Then he realized, unprompted, that it was kind of inappropriate to send me those photos of his dick.  Perhaps he was trying to distract me from my quest for face pics, or just fishing for a self-esteem boost: he was contriving to really freak out over his gaffe.  Wailing and gnashing of teeth.  Sack cloth and ashes.  Self-flagellation.  It was clear that I was supposed to comfort him and tell him he was wonderful and awesome and there was no issue.  I really cannot stand this sort of attention whore.

I remained neutral, pointing out that I had just asked him how big his dick was and whether it was cut or uncut, so the photos were germane to the conversation.  He was like “but I should have waited for you to ask for them!!!!”

At which time I pointedly reminded him “I did ask for face pics…”

He did finally send me a photo of his face then.  The thing is, he’d convinced me a while back to transfer our conversation from Yahoo Instant Messenger (on my laptop) to a similar program called Kik that’s only for cell phones.  So, the photo was pretty small in the first place, and my phone wouldn’t load it up and make it bigger.  I mean when I clicked on the picture, it did get bigger but it also got a big rectangular dialogue box right across the middle that said “loading…” (his dick pics did that, too.  He didn’t sabotage the one photo somehow; my phone just sucks).  

“Awww, I can’t see it at a proper size!  My phone won’t load it,” I said.

He replied “Well that’s not my problem to be honest.”  Excuse me?!  So disrespectful!  Plus, he knew I wanted to see a proper photo of him and he has my email address; seems to me the proper response here would be something like “That sucks.  Hold on, I’ll email it to you instead.”

I ignored his remark.  He broke my long silence by saying he had awful skin and that’s why he doesn’t have any close-up face pics.  Trying to lighten the mood, I playfully said “Awful skin?  So like it’s racist or it steals from people or something?”

He came back with “not funny.”  I didn’t know what to say to that; I didn’t like his tone, but then again if his complexion is a sore spot for him I can understand why he’d go all curt.  I didn’t want to apologize though because he seemed to be kind of sliding into disrespect in general and I didn’t want him to think that was okay.  I remained silent.

He then apologized, said he was just in a bad mood, and started self-flagellating over it.

I told him that I think he needs to work on his issues before attempting to partner up with anyone, and recommended some books I thought would be particularly helpful.  I assumed he would respond by begging me not to go and self-flagellating a bunch more but surprisingly – impressively – he simply said “Thank you for your time, Mistress.” (Yeah.  He forgot again that I don’t like titles.  But still.)

A few minutes later he added “I’m sorry for wasting your time btw,” which I believe was a trick to get me to comfort him (“Awww, honey, you didn’t waste my time!  Sometimes people just aren’t compatible!  But I still think you’re a special little snowflake and that your cock is mighty and amazing, etc.”).  I did not engage.

In retrospect, I wish I’d extricated myself when he came (or didn’t come?) that second time.  He tried to fuck with my head, for one thing; for another, the fact that I didn’t know what to believe means we really didn’t have enough trust established for me to have been playing with him.

Lesson learned for next time. 

I wish things could’ve worked out, though.  He was eighteen!  And a virgin!  And he wanted to cook for me, and be naked all the time except for a collar, and massage and caress me and give me zillions of orgasms and let me control his orgasms and curl up at my feet while we watched movies!  And also, pegging!  It sounded like a really nice idea.


*I’d previously sent him two photos of me, by the way: a completely clear close-up face pic and a completely clear body shot (in a cute dress, goofing off for The Social Worker).  And he’d asked for others but I refused, not wanting a repeat of the Virgin Waif situation.  He has an accurate idea of what I look like and can decide perfectly well whether he finds me attractive enough to meet in person.  That’s good enough.


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20 responses to “Microrelationship

  1. I have had many similar experiences with guys on IM’s, especially YIM, Facebook and Fetlife. So much for “virtual friends”. The real-life ones may have flaws but at least both know what to expect.
    Interesting commentary, though.

    • Oh, I know exactly what to expect from an 18 year old sub who’s a “virtual friend.” And it’s pretty much what I ended up getting.

      I need to start dragging my ass out to more kink events and meeting people in person.

  2. Fnord

    Speaking as someone who has psoriasis, I find the “Awful skin? So like it’s racist or it steals from people or something?” line hilarious*.

    Although I admit that I might have felt differently if I had just finished living through high school with bad skin (mine didn’t kick until my 20s).

    *”Maybe awful is an exaggeration, it’s not actually hateful. But very annoying: you try to make plans, and then at the last minute it flakes.”

    • you try to make plans, and then at the last minute it flakes.

      BAH HA HA HA! Nice! 😀

      I had emotional sore spots that would’ve made me equally curt and snotty when I was his age. So I did try to give the benefit of the doubt. But there were too many other red flags.

      He has since messaged me a few more times trying to wheedle his way back into my good graces, btw. I ignored it.

  3. “Awwww fuck: self-esteem issues ahoy.” I died reading that, but how awesome that you suggested he do some self improvement. He just sounds immature and probably needs to grow up a little before jumping into any thing. And you are not alone in these types of conversations via the interwebs, welcome sister…welcome. lol

  4. susannahclary

    I swear I’ve had nearly the same conversations with a 21 year old near me. Which is why, no matter how tempting the cougar bait…I now try to tell myself that anyone under 28 is a hard limit.

  5. Decklan

    How do you end up meeting people like that? I’m a sub myself, but I’ve never had a good dom to take me for a ride. Then again, I’ve never specificly looked for a sexual partner.
    Cowgirl, could I talk about this with you some?

    • FetLife has some discussion groups specifically for personal ads. This particular kid put an ad in one of these, and that’s how I found him.

      I repeatedly hear that going to actual kink events and meeting people in person is a far better way to meet people, though. It makes sense, since any idiot can get a FetLife ID but only someone with a vested interest in kink would bother actually dragging his ass to a social event.

      I’m…trying to get my nerve up. 😛

      • Decklan

        I’m just scared that I’ll meet someone and things go bad, like they take advantage of me or post my pictures online or something. I’ve only really been with people I am friends with, but am interested in hitting up some other people now that a lot of my friends are in relationships now or moved away.

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