I prompted The Pedant re: when he’ll come over, and he responded pretty quickly. Apparently there’s an event on Sunday that he’s attending and he’s not sure how late he’ll be out, so he feels it’s better to come over on Monday. He says he’s up early lately anyway so he can totally spend Monday night even though I work in the morning.
I recognize that he’s doing a good thing here by forfeiting Sunday. It would have been hugely disrespectful of him to suggest I wait around at home for him to get bored with the event on Sunday and then come over. And he is willing to sleep over on Monday night and be woken at stupid o’clock in the morning. But my feelings right now are…tangled.
First, he could have asked me if I wanted to go to this event with him, but he didn’t. This is making me paranoid, once again, that I am some kind of secret. This event is a big social thing that happens annually and there are tons of photos on his Facebook profile of him hobnobbing with all his friends at this thing. Of course, it’s totally within his rights to want to go by himself, and if he did ask me I’d probably have a bit of a social anxiety freakout (it’s a big event with lots of people), which he probably realizes.
The bigger thing is that he specifically mentioned he’d be hanging out with this particular goth DJ at the event, and that’s why he’s not sure how late he’ll stay out. The DJ is a huge asshole. I cannot overstate this. The Pedant even agrees with me about this, or at least sees why I would think so. And yet he’d rather hang out with this dude than come over and have sex with me. Grrrrrrr.
In a few days I’m sure he’ll be tagged in a whole new crop of Facebook pictures from this event and I will look at them and feel lonely as fuck.
The Pedant did specifically tell me before that I’m not a “secret” and most of his friends know we’re seeing each other, though. And I don’t believe he’d lie to me. I think I’m just feeling fucked up and paranoid because I’m not sleeping well lately.
Incidentally, the last time I invited The Pedant over, I didn’t want to see him. I kind of dreaded him being here. It’s because I have all these feelings for him and want to tell him but don’t know how he’ll react…I almost get stage fright around him now. The moment when I come down and open the door for him seems all significant. Everything seethes with portent. I picture myself, sometime in the future, dropping the I-love-you on him, and him not feeling it back and wishing I’d never opened that can of worms. I picture him one day remembering everything I do or say to him right now as danger signs that he should have noticed; foreshadowing that things were going in an unwanted direction.
Once he was here, everything felt fine and I had a wonderful time. It’s only when he’s not around that doubts and fears start to creep in.
So I’m dreading the idea of this upcoming visit, too. And – on a purely practical note – I don’t sleep as deeply when he’s in my bed so it’s not a good idea for him to spend a work-night here.
…Okay, I’ve just emailed him to say we should hold off on seeing each other until there’s time to actually enjoy it. I hate how much I second-guessed this decision (“What if I regret this later? What if he ends up being unavailable for a while and I’ve missed my last chance for sex in who-knows-how-long? What if his feelings are hurt? What if I can’t sleep on Monday night and realize that lying there being petted by The Pedant would have actually helped?”) but yes, I really do think it’s for the best. I really do need my sleep; to invite The Pedant over that night would be sacrificing my well-being.
Plus, “storing up” sex in case of a drought later doesn’t fucking work. I’ve tried it. If anything, fucking The Pedant this weekend will open the floodgates – of both libido and emotion – and make me miss him more keenly after he’s gone. And right now I really want to get off the roller coaster for a while and let myself level off.
I wish I didn’t second-guess everything. The Pedant claims that he sleeps so well (and so much) because he’s incapable of worrying about things. He mocks how much I analyze everything. And I know other people (some of them are even women!) who do what they want without thinking a whole lot about it – if someone asks them out on a night that they were planning to stay in and groom their dog, they just effortlessly go “Nah, I’ve got stuff to do.” They don’t think “Well, I like this person, and I could postpone brushing Fluffy…after all, if I say no they might think I don’t like them and then they’ll stop asking me out! And anyway, what if I say no and then on dog grooming night I end up wishing I were out on that date?” etc., etc.
Other people’s brains must be so much quieter than mine.
Hmmm, this is interesting: The Pedant has already responded to my let’s-take-a-raincheck email. He said – aw, fuck it, I’ll just transcribe the whole conversation for posterity.
What time/day shall I expect you?
I’m planning to be at [event] on Sunday and I don’t know how late I’ll be out with [asshole DJ] and his crew. I’m thinking I should come by early on Monday, around noon, because that will be easier to plan for.
I have no problem staying over Monday night, as I’m usually up by 7 these days anyway.
Hmmm. I want my bed to myself Monday night to make sure I get the best sleep possible, and an afternoon-only visit would feel kind of rushed and unfun, I think. Let’s hold off on seeing each other until there’s time enough to properly enjoy it.
How would you feel about having me come over Sunday evening? I don’t know how late I’ll be out, but I don’t expect to be out much past midnight. I can attempt to fix [previously mentioned computer issue] while I’m at it.
As much as I’d like to see you, I dislike vague plans. That waiting-around-in-limbo feeling just bugs the shit out of me. And I don’t want you to be going through your evening feeling like there’s a deadline on you; I’ve been there and it’s a buzzkill. Go forth to [event], have fun, and let’s hang out sometime later in the week. 🙂
Okay. Sorry about this. 😦
I’m glad I stuck to my guns. The Pedant needs to understand that if he doesn’t make a concrete plan ahead of time, he doesn’t get to see me. I won’t become the standby girl. Also, if I’m not available to him every time he wants to see me, he’ll probably see my company as more of a treat; a thing he has to work a bit to get. That can’t be a bad thing.
What I’d like is to end the emails here, sit back, and wait for him to propose a new day/time for a visit. But since (as he has now told me) it doesn’t occur to him to initiate chatty texts/emails, perhaps it doesn’t occur to him to initiate visits, either. That would make a certain amount of sense. It sounds like The Pedant enjoys my company when I’m around, and when I’m not he just throws himself into his own interests and totally zones out.
So if I end our exchange at this juncture, it’s entirely possible he just won’t get back to me with a new visit time and it’ll drive me insane and I’ll propose one myself. Again. I’m thinking of replying one last time with “I do appreciate your offer of compromise. Let me know when you’re free next” just to definitively place the ball in his court. Then I’ll try my best to concentrate on my own life and hobbies and ignore him for a while. Zoned out though he may be when he’s by himself, surely to god he’d start to miss me at some point, and I’m curious to know when that would be. I kinda wonder whether my frequent contact with him (texting him every few days, emailing him funny links sometimes, inviting him over once a week or so) has made him take me for granted; I’m just always around, in some capacity. What if I wasn’t?
Here’s a funny overthinky thing: when The Pedant offers to make compromises like the coming-over-on-Sunday-night thing, my first thought is “He must really want to see me! He does care about me!” followed immediately by “don’t be dumb. He’s probably just backpedalling so you won’t be upset with him.”
But if he doesn’t want me to be upset, then he does care about me. Duh.
Also, The Pedant seems like someone who basically does what he wants and doesn’t overthink it or wonder how it affects other people (he’s told me he doesn’t overthink things!). So he probably was backpedalling there because he wanted to see me, not because he was trying to placate me.
Anyway. Hopefully I can immerse myself in my art, modelling, etc. for a while and find my footing, and hopefully The Pedant will miss me in my absence and start picking up the slack some more.