Here are a bunch of moments and impressions from when The Pedant was over last.
-We had sex when he arrived in the evening, when we woke up the following morning, and the next afternoon.
-During the first bout of sex, I got totally in the zone…time seemed to stand still. For both of us, I think. We engaged in (rather one-sided…) foreplay for ages. I was fascinated by the way I could make his body crescendo by just barely teasing his nipples so that he arched his spine up, trying to push up into my fingers or mouth…then giving him the direct touch he craved, which made him moan and collapse back into the mattress. And then I started lightly skritching his lower belly/pubic region, which made him thrust his hips up at me. I actually got him to do kind of a full-body undulation thing for a while by alternating between the two spots, and through it all he was flushed and vocalizing and just totally lost in the sensations. So hot. Eventually I rode him ’til he came, and when I thought he was winding down I squeezed my Kegels and gave another little thrust …which drew a loud, startled-sounding moan from his lips and another little flurry of spasms from his cock. So basically I think I wrung out an extra half-an-orgasm or so from him. After which he promptly fell asleep, which was frustrating because I was turned on and wanted to come too, but also kind of satisfying in a “Ha! I have conquered you!” kind of way.
-I’d been craving missionary-style sex for a while…it’s been a long time since The Pedant threw me down and had his way with me, and I missed that. I love feeling his weight on top of me and feeling the strength running through his hips and stomach when he thrusts into me. I love being able to lie back, relax, and look into his face while he’s inside me. But I also love taking control, so it’s all too easy for The Pedant to seduce me into the driver’s seat. I mean we’ll start making out and he’ll lie back and start moaning and it’s so fucking sexy that I just go with it. But the next morning when we started playing around, I was determined to be on the bottom for a change. The Pedant was defaulting to the passive role again, lying on his back while I touched him; I kinda tugged on his far shoulder and he rolled over to face me, gasping as the full length of our bodies pressed together. He humped me a bit – which is not usual for him, and turned me on – and we made out, and then either I pulled on him again to get him to roll on top of me, or he did it of his own accord. Not quite as much fun as him pushing me down right from the outset, but still good. His orgasm gave me a little rush of arousal and emotion, as it usually does these days, and I suppose he thought my gasps and moans and general intensity might have been an orgasm because he asked me afterward if I’d come yet. “I don’t come from penetration alone,” I reminded him. He got me off a couple of times using the Hitachi on my clit and his fingers on my g-spot. When I was right on the verge of my second climax, he did something that felt amazing and catapulted me over the edge. I asked him, afterward, what the hell he did. “I pushed your clit against the vibrator from the other side,” he said. (My “sweet spot” for stimulation is on the right side, not dead centre, so I guess he gave me a nudge with his thumb at the last minute.)
-On the third and last day of his visit, he was making a verbal list of things we needed to do that day “…shave your head, get your stuff ready for the craft show on Sunday…” and I added “…have a whole bunch of sex…” He looked a bit startled but said “Yeah, okay, that too.” Later, the topic came up again (oh, there was an issue with my mattress and I was expressing disappointment because I’d wanted to tie him to the bed). The Pedant said he was still spent from the day before and when I’d proposed that we have sex at some point, he’d been planning on just getting me off a bunch of times. This was in the late afternoon; our last sex had been like thirty hours before that. And yet he still hadn’t recharged, even though he’s managed to fuck me twice in one day sometimes in the past. Well, the somewhat distant past, probably before the barebacking. This confirms for me that his orgasms lately have been just as powerful as they looked – I wasn’t mistaken about the quality of our sex having changed. When we fuck lately, it is epic – and it drains The Pedant’s resources accordingly. Now when he talks about fucking some chick four times in one day, I shall smugly tell myself that he was only able to do this because the sex didn’t totally satisfy him the first time. Ha.
-Against all odds, we did end up having sex on the third day. We were hanging out on my couch and I was petting his chest without any ulterior motives at all, and when my hand passed near one of his nipples, he gave a stifled little whimper. So of course I had to keep on doing it because I love when he makes that sound. One thing led to another, and pretty soon I was giving him a hand job. The bed was still out of commission, so I couldn’t tie him up like I’d wanted to; we remained on the couch and I straddled one of his legs so I could use my weight to pin him down if/when he began to thrash. Truth be told, I was a little “spent” from the previous day, too…but stroking The Pedant got me more and more turned on until suddenly I realized I was literally dripping wetness onto his thigh. “Shall I continue, or would you like me to climb on top?” I asked. The Pedant breathily asked me to continue, so I suppressed my disappointment and did as requested. Shortly after that, though, he nudged my hip – tacitly urging me to straddle him – gripped the base of his cock to hold it steady, and guided me down on to him. Because I’d fucked him so well the morning before, he was taking a long time to come. He caressed my back and legs – I assume because my sounds might help him get off, so I obliged by amping them up – and raised his head up off the pillow to suck on my nipples a whole bunch. And then kept on holding and gazing at my breasts as we fucked, which on some guys would be creepy but with him, at that moment, it just made me feel attractive. I rode him until my legs couldn’t take it anymore, then asked him if things would work better if he were on top. He said maybe, and that he understood I must be getting tired, and we switched places. He came pretty soon after that, going perfectly still and oddly silent. I could feel the flutters of his orgasm deep inside me and it made me gasp and clutch at his shoulders. And then The Pedant started to do that shuddering, heaving, gasping thing that I’m pretty sure is dry-crying, and then he passed out – but not before asking me if I’d come, right at the end there. No, goddammit! I. Do. Not. Come. From. Penetration. While he slept, I got the Hitachi, lay down next to him, and got myself off four times. He was so out of it that I don’t think he even knew I was doing this – he didn’t sleepily pet me by way of moral support like he usually does. He did put his arms around me a little later, though, and I fell asleep all tangled up in him.
–He seemed a bit more snuggly in general this visit, perhaps because it’s not so hot in here anymore. At one point – post-coitally, I think – I was lying on my side and he threw an arm and leg over me and rested his head on my actual face. This quickly became uncomfortable (I don’t guess I’d like it with anyone, but The Pedant has an exceptionally large and heavy head) and I squirmed onto my back; he put his head on my chest, instead. I love “being the boy” during snuggles, and The Pedant doesn’t seem averse to it, either; I must experiment with lying down first and remaining staunchly on my back. I want to see if he cuddles up to me the way I always do with him.
-We watched a lot of DVDs. During most of it, he was spooning and petting me and I was just basking in the attention, not doing anything back (at other times, we sat apart for a bit…but he’d always eventually put his arm around me and pull me close to him). Times like these totally make up for all the times he’s passed out after sex without getting me off. I dozed off for a while, which was wonderful – when I fall asleep to pettings and DVDs, it’s some of the best rest ever. I told him that afterward, too. He, of course, smirked and said “you’re welcome.”
-The last few times he’s been over, he’s made a point of mentioning that he might get a full-body wax, ostensibly because it’s summer and he feels that his thick black all-over pelt is making him too hot. He’s right; it probably would cool him off to get waxed. But I swear he keeps on bringing the idea up out of nowhere and then pausing expectantly. I feel like an egomaniac for even saying this, but…could he offering to get waxed in order to impress me? Is he bringing it up because he’s looking for my approval? He knows I usually like my boys smooth. Ironically, though, I don’t think I’d like The Pedant smooth*, and anyway it’s his body, so when he repeatedly tells me he’s going to do this, I just blandly nod. But he’s seriously brought it up for no apparent reason at least the last three times I’ve seen him. Probably more.
-I asked him how many women he’s slept with (he tells me a lot of stories about women hitting on him and it makes me antsy. Mind you, just because someone’s hitting on him doesn’t mean he’ll go through with anything, but still). His tally is 11 – totally unscary to me. We talked for a while about how a person’s “magic number” doesn’t really mean anything, at least in and of itself (I’ve had inexperienced partners who clicked wonderfully with me in bed and more experienced ones who emphatically did not. And I think the reason for someone’s “number” tells more about them than the number itself). Had The Pedant asked me my partner count during this conversation, I would have told it to him; I know he wouldn’t judge me. But he didn’t even ask, and I love that. He said numbers don’t matter and he meant it.
-While we were talking about how experience doesn’t seem to reflect on actual bedroom skill that much, and how the biggest factor in good sex is communication, I mentioned that one of my biggest erogenous zones is my feet so obviously nobody’s gonna fuckin’ figure that out without me explicitly telling them – having a ton of sexual experience won’t help because the vast majority of people hate having their feet tickled. There have been times where I asked The Pedant to caress my feet and made distinctly happy sounds when he did it, but he’s never initiated it; I think his weird Aspie disconnect kept him from putting two and two together and realizing that this is a thing I like. Now that I have outright said that my feet are highly erogenous, he’s started touching me there a little bit without me having to ask, which is great. Let’s hope it continues.
-He was talking about an ex of his and how anxious and paranoid she was – implying, I think, that I’m not like that – and I said that I actually totally am. I explained that this is one reason why I’ll let an issue fester instead of bringing it up right away: I take some time to analyze whether there really is an issue or if it’s just my brain being stupid. If I brought things up the second they upset me, I’d be freaking out about shit several times a day and a lot of it wouldn’t be remotely grounded in reality. I said that I’m like a duck who appears to be gliding effortlessly through the water but really those little feet are paddling like hell beneath the surface to keep things going. I don’t think The Pedant realized this about me before. He seems to have a new respect for me now.
-One of his examples of his ex’s paranoia is that she’d been doing some sex thing with him for weeks and convinced herself that he actually hated it, even though a) he liked it a lot and b) she’d never asked him his opinion about it. This story actually made me a bit paranoid; what was this mysterious act that he enjoyed so much? Is it something I know about? Oh god, what if he has some thing he loves doing and I’ve been missing all his hints? I asked The Pedant if there were any turn-ons of his that I hadn’t found yet/anything he felt was missing from our sex life/etc. He said he couldn’t think of anything, and elaborated (unprompted) that the mysterious sex act in his anecdote was being tied up and jerked off.
-We were talking about conventional female beauty standards and he expressed great disdain for hair dye. I gestured at my pink mohawk and told him that I couldn’t agree with his anti-dye stance. He was like “You’re different. You dye your hair to have fun with it, not because society tells you to.” I must admit it makes my stomach flutter in the loveliest way when he makes some kind of “you’re not like the other girls” statement – which has happened before, usually in the context of “You’re not paranoid/overly emotional/passive-aggressive/etc. like so many other women.” It scares me that he might be building me up into something I’m not (I’m afraid to be too emotional now lest I lose my “not like the others” status…) but at the same time I love feeling special. I did point out that even conventional-looking hairstyles can be “just for fun,” though. I assume not everyone who gets tasteful blonde highlights is doing it to look like a Cosmo girl. Surely to god it can just stem from the same basic urge to play around and look different that my pink hair comes from.
-When he was shaving my head with his awesome razor, The Pedant asked me if I have to bleach my hair before I dye it. I told him I do. He said “Why? I heard that pinks and reds grab onto hair exceptionally well.” I said “Yeah, but dye is essentially transparent. Put a sheet of pink glass on a sheet of dark brown paper and what do you get?” The Pedant immediately saw my point and made an epiphany-noise. It’s just a small thing, but it made me happy that I explained a thing to him and he totally got it. I’ve used that same analogy on other people and they didn’t get it – not good enough at visualizing colours, or something. The Pedant seems to respond well to visual or kinaesthetic metaphors, which is good because I use those a lot.
-On the second day, at 7pm or so, we decided we needed ice cream. I was trying to decide where to purchase it and suddenly realized “Oh, hey, it’s Thursday! The regular grocery store is still open. I assumed it was the weekend because I’m relaxed and having fun instead of angsting about my financial situation.” The Pedant got the sweetest expression on his face, hearing that. I guess he didn’t realize that his presence is such a happy escape for me.
-I wonder sometimes just how insecure he actually is. I suspect he feels lost and insecure a lot (pretty understandable when you have a hard time reading people’s signals and intentions!), but doesn’t admit it to himself. He seemed pleasantly surprised when I indicated that it’s fun having him over, for Pete’s sake, and that should be a given! He’ll sometimes be like “Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m having a good day” – which I think is a way of fishing for feedback and compliments from me. He rarely seems certain that I’ve orgasmed, even though I’m loud and have very distinctive body language when I come. I think he does know my sounds and things by now, though, and is simply asking because he needs the reassurance that he did well. The fact that he doesn’t think he’s anxious or insecure makes me feel as though this relationship has an expiry date; I can’t deal with people so un-self-aware. I don’t mind helping a guy sort out his feelings but if he’s not introspective enough to know he’s having feelings that need sorting, that’s too much. I can’t carry that.
-I was talking to High School Friend about his weird communication patterns; she says that the way he won’t initiate texts but responds to mine within minutes (most of the time) indicates to her that he’s really into me and super happy to hear from me, but doesn’t want to look clingy so he’s playing it cool. I don’t know about that, but it’s a nice thought (better than thinking he just doesn’t like talking with me that much, anyway). Her theory does kind of jive with the way The Pedant will usually claim he has to leave my place by a certain time because he “has things to do” but then half the time he’ll kind of keep on hanging around until way past his stated deadline. I think he makes up fake plans sometimes just so he doesn’t look too available, but then once he’s here he enjoys hanging out with me so much that he can’t bring himself to actually go. On this visit, he said he was free “until Friday morning” but didn’t actually leave until around 6pm. I decided to leave with him and go to the grocery store, and he ended up walking me there even though it’s in the opposite direction from his house.
-It seemed as though, during the course of his visit, he offered to come back like a hundred times. “You really need to get your old tv out of the house. I can come by next garbage night and help you take it to the curb!” “If you want I can drop by on Monday and re-shave your head for you.” Etc., etc. If there was the slightest thing he thought I needed help with, he was offering to come over and do it. None of those plans have materialized but it’s still adorable.
-I had to go looking for my phone because it wasn’t where I’d left it. I found it on the couch, charging. The Pedant must have noticed it was running low, and plugged it in for me. Little gestures like that make me swoon. You have no idea.
-I like that we don’t have to be together all the time. The Pedant told me at one point that he needed to do some stuff on his laptop, so I wandered off to the next room and did some shit of my own.
-At some later point – after he shaved my head, I think – The Pedant sat on the edge of the couch and was checking some stuff on his laptop and I curled up behind and around him and put my head on his thigh. I was tired and kind of half-wanting to take a nap, but not sure I could actually drift off. The Pedant absent-mindedly stroked my head while he internetted, and although I didn’t fall asleep, I did go into a dozy semi-trance and it was really nice. Not too long after that we had that third round of sex and that did shunt me off to dreamland.
-I had a little talk with The Pedant where I pointed out that he initially said no to the idea of barebacking, and then we had a perfectly normal visit together, and then we had a visit where he suddenly seemed really enthusiastic about barebacking and in fact ended up initiating it. I asked what exactly had changed inside his head in the interim. I was hoping to hear something mushy or complimentary – “I realized that I trust you enough to take that step” or “I realized that I feel close enough to you that I really wanted that intimacy” or even “You’re so hot I just couldn’t resist” – but I didn’t expect it. Which is good because all he said was “I said no because I didn’t want to get out of the habit of using condoms. But barebacking is really fun, so…” Humph.
-He’s still talking about getting his own place once he’s working again. At one point he said that maybe when he gets in somewhere as a security guard, he’ll be working long hours and won’t be able to see me for a few months, but the upside will be that he’ll have saved enough money to get out of his parents’ house that much sooner. I said I liked everything about that plan except the part where I don’t see him. He said “Well, yeah, that part would suck.” That may be the closest he’s ever come to telling me he likes spending time with me, so I kinda glowed. Yes, I know that’s kind of pathetic.
-On another occasion, he was bitching about Bastardcat’s hair being everywhere and said “Once I get my own place, you’ll be coming over there.” And again, I felt glowy. For one thing, he’s casually mentioning me as part of his future like it’s just a given. For another thing, I guess on some level I always wondered if he comes over here partly just as an escape from his parents or from his life in general (we don’t hang with either of our friends when we’re together, or even go out at all most of the time…we’re just here in our own little bubble of sex and movies and food. It’s what Minx once called a “vacationship.”). But no, he intends on still seeing me even when he no longer needs refuge. And he intends on having me to his place, which constitutes me being a part of his life rather than an escape from it. W00T.
-…And finally, he was asking me if he could buy my couch off me once he has his own place. My “couch” is actually my old single bed that I got shortly after I moved in here. And a bed is precisely what he’ll be using it for. So I’m guessing he hasn’t considered the “when I have my own place I can bring women back to it” angle. He’s fine with a single bed, at least in the beginning (and apparently fine with me coming over and sleeping there, even though we’d have to cuddle really close in order to fit. RAWR).
-I have determined that what separates loving someone (romantically) from being in love with them , for me, is transparency and comfort. The latter, I guess, being a direct result of the former: I’m happiest when I know where I stand with someone and am confident that I could tell them absolutely anything. The Pedant is opaque; I don’t understand how he works or what his motivations are, and his opacity makes me want to hide myself a bit, too, so as not to be too vulnerable. If he had the emotional intelligence to be able to identify when something is confusing him and ask me about it, or to be upfront with his thoughts more**, I would almost certainly be totally gone for him right now. As it is, he’s sweet and has excellent sexual chemistry with me but I spend (as you can see from these stupid blog entries) a lot of time guessing at his motivations, being stressed out by some aspect of our interactions, etc. And so I love him, but I’m not in love and probably won’t be. I don’t feel safe and secure enough for that.
-I resent the fact that I’m probably going to have to do all the scary things first, with him. I was the one who initiated our first kiss because, even though we agreed there was a mutual attraction and I straight up said “Well, it’s not too late to explore that…I am in an open relationship…” he wasn’t sure I was definitely hitting on him. Which is fine; he’s Aspie, he doesn’t pick up on things, whatever. But he couldn’t or wouldn’t ask for clarification, and so I had to initiate. I’m assuming the same basic thing happened when I told him I was developing feelings for him: I guess he somehow didn’t consider that a big enough sign that he was safe to say it back (or he somehow didn’t realize I’d want to hear it back), so he stayed silent and forced me to outright ask him how he felt (and it turned out he cares about me approximately the same amount as I care about him, if it’s even possible to quantify such things). Now I feel an I-love-you brewing and even though The Pedant is giving every sign of being equally enamoured with me, you can be damn sure he’s not gonna be the first to say something. Not much of a risk taker, The Pedant. And if/when I do say I love him, I’m pretty sure he won’t say it back. I don’t mean that I think he’ll tell me “sorry, I don’t feel the same way.” I mean that any kind of coherent reply probably won’t even occur to him. He’s a bit socially weird and I think he doesn’t get that when someone drops the L-bomb, they’re expecting either a “me too” or a rejection. Or maybe saying those words is just difficult for him – I know he comes from a family where they don’t throw that word around like mine did. At any rate, I anticipate that if I tell him I love him, he’ll respond by giving me an affectionate squeeze and/or saying some variation of “I suspected as much.” And this will make me crazy.
*Although honestly if he wanted to wax just his back and shoulders and then substantially trim his pubes, I certainly wouldn’t object…
**For instance, with the cunnilingus thing. I told him early on that cunnilingus hurts me sometimes because I’m so sensitive. He then decided (silently, to himself) that he’d better not ever do that, then – and when I specifically asked for his mouth, instead of saying “I would, but I’m worried I’ll hurt you,” he just dodged my requests (“Ummm my nose is kind of stuffy today, so…” or just ignoring the request entirely). Had he told me he was worried he would hurt me, I could have shown him where I like to be touched and explained to him that I wasn’t looking for some kind of marathon session, anyway, just a few kisses because I like the intimacy of it. But he didn’t explain himself and I was left wondering why he apparently loves going down on other women (so…many…anecdotes) but not me. And I finally had to initiate a big scary talk about it.