So yeah. The Pedant’s visit was largely very nice. Pretty shortly after he got here, he offered to stay a second night if I was free, and I agreed to this. That was just the reassurance I needed after my recent musings about how he barely ever talks to me between visits. He obviously does like me. I guess he just doesn’t get much out of texting or emails.
I’ve decided I need to tell him I love him. The feelings I have for him have been so steady and intense these past few weeks that I’m surprised he can’t see them burning behind my eyes like a candle inside a jack-o-lantern. Or a supernova inside a jack-o-lantern. I’m pretty sure he won’t say the words back, and that’ll suck, but my reason for wanting to tell him my feelings isn’t to prompt a response in kind – it’s simply that he makes me happy and I think he deserves to know this. And every other time I’ve felt this way about a guy and not told him, I’ve regretted it, so yeah. Life is short. I’m gonna do this.
I’m not sure how I’m gonna drop the L-bomb yet. I don’t want to do anything reminiscent of a romantic comedy; I guarantee you he won’t respond like a guy in a romantic comedy, so I’d just be setting myself up for disappointment. So, flat out saying “I love you” during a cosy/sweet moment of togetherness is pretty much out. I don’t think I could even make my mouth form the words. Too scary.
I’ve thought about waiting until we part company at the end of a visit and just kind of casually going “You know I love you, right?” – that way, it would be kind of rhetorical and it wouldn’t hurt so much if he didn’t say it back. Except that wording almost discourages any reply but “yes” or “no,” and I don’t want to actively prevent him from saying it back. I’d rather leave things more open ended.
When he was here the other day, I was like “I read somewhere that Aspies sometimes have a hard time identifying their own emotions, not just other people’s…is that a thing for you?”
He thought about it and said “maybe sometimes.”
I was hoping he would ask me why I was asking; I would have gone the brutally honest route and said “Because I’ve been working up my nerve to tell you that I love you, and if you don’t say it back I want to be able to tell myself ‘bah, he feels it. He just doesn’t know he feels it.’ I want to be able to rationalize so it doesn’t hurt.”
But he didn’t ask why I was asking.
Honestly? I’m convinced that he does love me. There’s been a distinct change in the sex we have together; things suddenly got all spiritual ‘n’ shit, and I don’t believe it’s possible for only one party to experience a particular encounter that way and not the other. He’s been initiating more and more together-time. Any time I ever mention any kind of practical issue I’m having in my life (and sometimes even when I don’t mention anything), he seems super gung ho to help me with it (cleaning my apartment, hooking me up with a new cell phone and service provider, offering to give me his electric razor once he upgrades). In his own subtle ways, he’s given me some pretty huge compliments on my character and my appearance; it’s obvious there are lots of things he likes about me. He’ll do things like pet me to sleep while we watch DVDs. He may not initiate a lot of texting with me, but when I text him – even if it’s just something frivolous – he’ll almost always respond within minutes.
So he definitely gives off the vibe that he’s deeply attached to me. The actual words shouldn’t matter to me. But they do.
It seems fairly likely that I’ll end up blurting out that first L-bomb when one of his many idiosyncrasies annoys me (“Dude, I love you but please shut the hell up now.”). It also seems fairly likely that however I say it, he’ll respond with something infuriating like “thank you” – or just not respond at all. And I’ll try to let it slide but a few days or weeks later I’ll go insane and be like “Look, are we on the same page with this, or not?” and if he says we’re not, it’ll start to eat away at me. Maybe I’ll even have to bail because of it.
But I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.