I find myself daydreaming a lot lately about relationship drama. Specifically, climactic declarations of love. Some hypothetical dude who I’m into but have doubts about chasing me, trying to win me over, making impassioned speeches. Or telling me he’s finally pushed aside some factor (his own self-doubt, a monogamous relationship with someone else, whatever) that was preventing us from being together, and he wants me. Or telling me he knows he’s fucked up our (pre-existing, long-term) relationship in some way but he realizes he did a bad thing and now he’s willing to do absolutely anything in order to be with me. I’m drinking these scenarios in like a tall glass of lemonade after days of wandering the desert, lost.
These daydreams were surprising to me because normally I hate drama. But I realized that I don’t want the angst of these scenarios, or the aftermath. I don’t want some other girl to get dumped because of me, or to be in a failing relationship and waiting for the other shoe to drop after a promise-to-do-better that will probably turn out to be bullshit. What I’m craving is just the declaration. I miss being in love with someone. I miss knowing that someone’s in love with me.
I am currently seeing three people.
There’s The Baby Duck, who was a pretty viable contender for a while there but suddenly the chemistry seems to be failing me. I like hanging out with him and think kissing and cuddling with him is warm and pleasant but I’m not sure I can get it up for him anymore.
There’s Pixie, who seems to be heading in approximately the same direction.
And there’s The Pedant, who I want so fucking badly I could die. The sexual spark is incredible, and I love him…after a fashion. But I’m not in love with him, and if there’s a logical reason for this I’d say it’s that I don’t feel safe enough emotionally to totally let my guard down. He’s prone to accidentally saying stupid or inflammatory things, and I know he doesn’t mean to upset me (and that he’ll stop saying the things if I tell him to) but still – I always have to kinda brace myself for potential hurt, around him. And he’s not as transparent in his emotions as I’d prefer. And something about him makes it incredibly hard for me to ask him what his emotions or motivations are, so I spend a lot of time feeling like I’m in the dark.
I miss feeling passion for someone that’s not tempered by caution. I miss loving someone without reserve – throwing myself into it almost violently. I miss knowing that the object of my affection feels just as intensely about me. I feel like I have a vast capacity for love and relationships that’s lying fallow.
But I don’t know when I’ll meet that special person or persons with whom I’ll fall in love next, so in the meantime I’ll just have to make do with what I have. And there are worse things to endure than pleasant semi-regular makeouts plus occasional scorching-hot sex.