It’s been twenty-one years since I was a teenager but I still find it difficult not to bail on other commitments for a guy I like. Or rather, I wouldn’t cancel plans with a friend in order to see a dude, but I’m often tempted not to make plans in the first place so I can be free just in case said dude decides to call me.
I can’t determine whether I’m like this because society teaches women that romance is TEH MOST IMPORTANT AND VALIDATING THING EVAR, or if I just really, really wanna get laid. Maybe it’s both.
At any rate, it’s after 2am, I’m getting pretty tired, and I just discovered that Netflix has Garfield and Friends. I was looking forward to watching cartoons and trying to fall asleep. Tomorrow, it is imperative that I work on artsy things. I’m looking forward to that, too.
I just checked my phone (which I’d turned off earlier to have a nap and forgotten to turn back on) and The Pedant called me about ten minutes ago. And this of course has thrown me into a tizzy because, although I really want to go to bed right now, I’ve also been really craving The Pedant lately. Specifically the sex. Which I will not be getting for the next week because of his security guard course thing. And The Pedant is not a person who phones just to chat, so he was undoubtedly wanting to come over tonight. Which is obviously a tempting idea for me.
But I never sleep well when he’s here, and I need to catch up on sleep because I work on Sunday morning and then I’m seeing The Baby Duck. Also, I do really want to get some art done tomorrow. Alsoalso, if The Pedant is calling me at 2am, it doesn’t mean he’s necessarily thinking about me and missing me. What it means is that he just went to a club or concert downtown and is hoping to crash here instead of going all the way back to his parents’ place in the ‘burbs. If he’d been missing me and wanting to fit a visit in before his course started, he’d’ve planned ahead.
Almost every relationship I ever had, I fucked up by being too available. Time with me stopped being special because it was so easy to get; partners stopped making an effort to see me because they knew they could just fuck off and have adventures on their own or with friends and whenever they were done, they could snap their fingers and I’d drop everything and come running.
I do not want to set that precedent again.
So I’m ignoring the fact that The Pedant called me. I wish I had the strength to call him back, hear his pitch, and coolly say “No, sorry, I was just about to go to bed and tomorrow I’m working on art” – just to hammer home that I have a life of my own – but sadly, I think if I were actually talking to him and he was asking to come over, I probably couldn’t say no. I can say no to sexy-type companionship if I have actual plans with someone else, but I can’t seem to defend my own personal space – I can’t turn down boy-time in favour of being alone. So, avoidance it is.
I’m also just generally getting fed up with The Pedant’s uncommunicative, uneffusive nature. Perhaps this security guard licensing course did come up suddenly and The Pedant told me about it as soon as he knew. Perhaps he’d been looking forward to seeing me sometime soon and is disappointed at having to postpone for a week. Or perhaps not, since he didn’t say anything along the lines of “I’m sorry to spring this on you but it’s a surprise to me, too” or “I was looking forward to seeing you sometime soon, so this sucks, but I’ll make it up to you.”
And there’s the fact that I initiate most of our between-visit email and text conversations. And the fact that he’ll forget to reply to some of these texts and emails (although in fairness if I contact him again he’ll usually be goosed into action and reply all at once to every message he’d neglected). I feel like he doesn’t really think of me when I’m not around and now – with this pattern of crashing at my place after concerts – is starting to treat me as a convenience.
I keep meaning to back off him for a while and see if he’ll give chase, and I keep breaking down and contacting him anyway; right now, with me feeling kind of pissed off and him outright telling me he’ll be incommunicado for the next week, seems like as good a time as any to stop talking to him and focus on other things.
If I just totally don’t even contact him for the entire week, I wonder if he’ll notice and worry that something’s amiss? I wonder whether he’ll get in touch with me, ask me how I’m doing, make small talk to try to prompt a reply? He might not; his autism-ish brain might not register that something’s up. But either way it seems like a good idea for me to try to stop obsessing on this boy and focus on myself for a while.