Even as I typed last night’s entry about The Pedant, I sensed that I was feeling a little “off”…not in my right mind.  It’s too early for PMS but I eventually remembered that seratonin – the brain chemical that, if you don’t have enough of it, is responsible for clinical depression – gets depleted when a person hasn’t slept enough.  And my sleep has been really disturbed and insufficient lately.  So my depression, crankiness, and paranoia were out in full force and I was filtering my perceptions of The Pedant’s actions through that dirty lens.

He acts as though he cares about me (generally, with a few hiccups due to his weird communication style); he told me that he cares about me (seven out of ten, baby!); I trust that he has good intentions (or at least, I trust him when I’ve had enough sleep!).  It’s fine.

But also?  When I woke up today I saw that he’d called me again around noon without leaving a message.  And then texted me saying “hey, give me a shout when you can.”  Which of course makes it seem like he wasn’t booty-calling me last night.  Maybe – I surmised – he genuinely has some kind of minor emergency.  He left a hairbrush at my apartment; maybe he’s looking for that.

But no, when I phoned him and said “you called me?” he was like “Yeah, if you wanted to get together the week after next, I’ve got [some security-guard-training-related thing] and I don’t know which day it is yet.  But as soon as I find out, I’ll tell you and then we can make plans.”  So, his big urgent thing to tell me was that he wants to see me and will keep me in the loop as to when that can happen.

Actually, no, I think the first thing he said was “Did you get my email about the security training next week?” and when I said yes, that’s when he talked about getting together the week after.

I’m pretty sure what this actually translates to is “I haven’t heard from you in a while and it’s making me antsy.  Are you angry at me for springing this course thingy on you?  Or maybe you didn’t get my email about it?  What’s going on?  I miss you and FYI I do want to get together ASAP.”  I wish he were the kind of person who would just say that outright, but in fairness it’s really hard to achieve that level of transparency – hard to be self-aware enough to realize your feelings and hard to openly express them to someone else.

But the fact that he called me instead of texting or emailing – twice – indicates a certain amount of worry or uncertainty to me.  He wasn’t content to send me a message and wait around (anxiously?) for me to answer.  He wanted to talk to me directly and get immediate feedback.


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