Imbalance

The Pedant has been talking about getting work as a security guard.  I knew this, and I knew there was some kind of licensing course he would have to complete first, but I didn’t know he’d actually decided to do it.

Until yesterday when I got an email that said “I’ll be doing the guard’s licensing course over the course of next week, so I’ll be available by email only for the whole week.”

When I read this, I got a surge of anger and I’m not totally sure why.  Time to try to pick it apart and figure things out.

Well, first off, he’d emailed me the day before indicating that he needed “a few days” to get over his latest cold sore and then we’d hang out (and presumably have sex).  So I was anticipating getting laid next week sometime, but now that’s clearly not going to happen.  Did he really not think to mention the course earlier?  Or am I to believe that these courses are so clandestine and spur-of-the-moment that he didn’t even know he’d be in one until yesterday?

Secondly, he’s repeatedly said that if he gets a nighttime security guard job it’ll put a big damper on…whatever it is he and I are doing*, and yet he’s actively seeking work in that field anyway (even though he lives with his parents and therefore has the luxury of time – he doesn’t have to get a job right now or end up homeless.  He could take his time and find a job that would accommodate his social life better).

And okay, I confess: I know I should probably have found myself temporary full-time employment back in June or so to get me through the summer.  It’s not a matter of life and death since I still have some savings left but yeah.  I didn’t seek out full-time work, though.  And one reason for this is that The Pedant had started staying over one or two nights a week and I loved that and didn’t want to give it up.  I didn’t want all my Pedant-time suddenly relegated to whichever weekends he wasn’t already doing stuff.  (I also didn’t want to spend eight hours a day doing some stupid shit I don’t care about, and spend my evenings packing lunches and making sure I have a clean and presentable outfit for the next day, and wake up before noon on a regular basis.  The Pedant was not my only reason for stalling.  But he’s in there.)

Another factor here is that I just got the results of my STI swab tests back and everything checked out.  The fact that we’ve barebacked like five times now and my tests still came out okay seems to indicate that he’s STI-free, too (we’ll know for sure in another week or so).  I was looking forward to finally going condom-free with The Pedant without niggling guilt and doubts in the back of my mind.  But it looks like I won’t be fucking him for another week or two, and in the meantime things are still slowly moving forward with The Baby Duck.  And once The Baby Duck and I start fucking (if we start fucking…it’s not a foregone conclusion), that’ll re-introduce that modicum of guilt and uncertainty.

And so I find myself kind of wanting to hold off on sex with anyone else for the benefit of the Pedant barebacking, even though I’d bet good money he’s not abstaining from his (at last count) two other partners for my benefit.  My relationships with The Pedant and The Baby Duck are entirely separate entities and it’s pissing me off that I’m letting one affect the other; my agreement with The Pedant is that we’d go ahead and have other partners but just use condoms with them.  We have no other rules about whom we can or cannot see, or how often.  And yet I’m restricting my own freedom here.

I wonder whether The Pedant is so keen to hurry up and get a job because his interest in moving out on his own seems to have reached such a fever pitch?  That’s a whole other can of worms, for me: I feel terribly threatened by the idea of The Pedant living on his own because I assume this will give him sexual opportunities he wasn’t afforded before.  Like…I would guess that right now, if he became interested in a woman who also lived with her parents (or even just an oppressive roommate), they likely just wouldn’t be able to hook up – or at least it would be complicated.  If he has a bachelor pad of his very own, he can actually take women home.  And as much as The Pedant can inadvertently come off douchey sometimes, he is hot and he is pretty fearless about approaching women he’s attracted to (I know this because we met by him coming up to me at a club, plunking himself next to me, and starting a conversation).  So for every two chicks he scares off with a clueless comment, there’ll probably be one who’s good to go.  And I’m scared my own position in his life will become more tenuous if he has access to more pussy.

Rereading what I’ve written so far, I see a pattern emerge: I’m feeling like The Pedant is more important to me than I am to him.  Sure, he’s been coming over a lot lately, but he seems to have no problem forgoing the frequent visits if something else (like a job prospect) comes up – whereas I’ve been putting work and sex (with other people) on hold partially because of him.  He apparently didn’t think to mention this licensing course to me until the last minute.  I worry that he’s aggressively pursuing this new career so he can move out and have a brand new life that involves a whole lot of new sex partners and a whole lot less of me.  Add in the fact that I initiate 95% of the texting/emailing we have between visits and yeah, it doesn’t look like I’m a huge priority for him.  And it’s kind of freaking me out.

I was feeling freaked out before this; The Pedant’s sporadic communiqués are nothing new, and neither are his ideas to get a night job that’ll totally fuck up our relationship and move out of his parents’ place.  But the whole “We’ll have sex pretty soon/wait, no we won’t, I’m going to be unavailable all next week preparing for the job that will fuck us up” thing kind of escalated it.

Which is probably why I felt so motivated to hit on Strawberry Blonde Ponytail Guy last night, and also why I’m feeling a little more inclined than before to escalate things (both physically and emotionally) with The Baby Duck.  I love The Pedant, but I don’t know that I should depend on him too much for sexual or emotional fulfillment.  At best, he has feelings for me but his brain works very differently from mine when it comes to relationships; at worst, he considers me a pleasant but disposable diversion and nothing more.  It’s time to supplement my needs elsewhere.

 

*I don’t actually think it would be that bad, since I’m on a very nocturnal schedule, myself – seems to me the only difference is that The Pedant would have to restrict his visits to weekends (or whenever his days off happen to fall).  Hell, he could sleep over during the week for all I care and just leave for work straight from here.  I told him this but he was very insistent that, no, a night job will put a crimp in things for us.  So I guess he’s not willing to try all that hard to see me. 😦