A good visit…and yet more barebacking.

I opted not to go to the concert with The Pedant; I’d had a busy day and really just wanted to chill out at home.  While waiting for him to arrive, I tidied the apartment to a relatively guest-ready state, then took a bath while watching Dexter on Netflix.

The Pedant rang my doorbell just minutes after I got out of the bathtub.  I felt all nervous as I went downstairs to open the door (first time seeing him since the FeelingsTalk) but as soon as I opened the door things felt pretty much like they always have.  I noticed afterwards though that I opened the door and then stood back to let him in rather than coming forward for kisses as I often do.  Subconsciously compensating for the scary levels of intimacy last time, I guess.

We made small talk as he undressed (and I took off the robe I’d thrown on to answer the door – it’s the thick fluffy kind and was making me too hot).  Once naked, he stood awkwardly over me for a while as I lay on the bed (nothing new there – he always seems to feel awkward at the very beginning of our visits) and finally he lay down next to me and put his arm out, inviting me to cuddle up onto his chest, which I did.

When I tentatively ran my hand over his torso, The Pedant didn’t react in a sexytimes way, and I assumed he would probably be tired from the concert and whatever he did for the rest of the day, so I refrained from openly making a move and just snuggled and talked with him.  As we talked, he started idly stroking my leg, which made the sole of my foot (a huuuuuge erogenous zone for me) begin to throb in anticipation.  Except that The Pedant hasn’t caught on to my whole foot thing (despite me having asked for foot-pettings in the past) so he kept stopping at my ankle.  Finally, during a lull in the conversation, I said “I will give you one million dollars if you extend that touching to my feet.”  Which The Pedant did, and which totally made my brain shift into its happy place as I squirmed and moaned and whimpered.

After a while he said “feeling better?” and I made a happy sound by way of reply.  Intriguingly, when I repositioned myself (my legs had been thrown across his stomach) I noticed The Pedant was half-hard, I’m guessing because of the sounds I’d been making.  I might have pursued this except that our sexytimes tend to last a long while and I’d developed a ferocious hunger (for food :P) that demanded immediate satisfaction.  Low blood sugar is like that: when I get hungry I need to eat right fucking now.  So instead of investigating The Pedant’s fluffed-up junk, I went to the kitchen to wolf down some cheese.  When I returned, The Pedant had turned off the light and settled himself under the covers, so it seemed like it was time for sleep.

I slept like total crap.  It was too hot in the room, I’m not used to sharing my bed with a guy anymore, I had to get up to pee at least three times…just a total clusterfuck.  When The Pedant woke up, though, he said it was the best he’d slept all week.  He almost always tells me this when he’s here.  I’m taking it as a compliment – that something about my presence is soothing and comfortable and helps him sleep.

As soon as we’d each had our first-thing-in-the-morning pee break, I put the moves on him.  This time when I ran my hand down The Pedant’s side, he arched his back slightly and made an almost-inaudible little happy sound.  I let my hand trail lower and lightly scritched along the sides of his pubic hair – always a good spot for him – and then cupped and caressed his balls.  Which pretty quickly progressed to me tonguing and sucking his cock.

Eventually, I came up, straddled The Pedant’s hips, and began to kiss him.  The proximity of our genitals to each other made him gasp and thrust his hips up at me, which I figured it would (he’s been like this ever since I expressed an interest in barebacking.  Before that, straddling him like this never got much response beyond a basic yay-we-are-making-out level of enthusiasm).  Soon after that, The Pedant slid one of his hands between us, wrapped it around the base of his erection, and (in a motion I’m intimately familiar with by now) started slowly rubbing the head of his cock over the back end of my vulva, searching for the entrance (my labia minora are pretty…pronounced.  One sometimes needs to probe a little bit).

I had already decided, during a solitary and clear-headed bit of soul-searching, that I’m okay with the risk of barebacking The Pedant…I mean I still want him to get tested for STIs, but he’s probably fine and the sex is so fucking good that it feels worth the risk.  So when The Pedant finished positioning himself and gently exerted downward pressure on my hips with his free hand, I happily went with it, sliding down around him until he was fully sheathed inside me.

As I began to thrust, The Pedant made eye contact with me.  It’s not like his eyes came open for a minute and I happened to be in front of him; he was definitely and deliberately seeking connection with me.  His expression was completely raw and vulnerable and he purposely let me in, let me see.  I reached out and caressed his face, returning his gaze, trying to tell him via telepathy that I loved him and he was safe with me.  My stomach was fluttering all over the place and  I leaned down to kiss him  just so I could escape that intensity for a minute and collect myself.  As we kissed, I trailed my hand from his face down to his nipple, grazing the backs of my fingers across it (bumpitybumpitybump, ribbed for his pleasure…) and caught the resulting gasps in my mouth.  When I backed up from the kiss he was just right there, looking in my eyes again.

And then The Pedant began to vocalize more loudly, and twisted his face out of my view, and I thought oh, he’s coming, except no, he was only close to coming. When he actually came a second later, he suddenly reared his head up off the pillow (bonking me in the nose, by the way, but not hard enough to throw me off my game) and I put one hand on the back of his head to help support the weight of it and kept slowly thrusting as The Pedant’s entire body went into slow convulsions and he made a sound so much like sobbing that I surreptitiously peeked down at his face to check for tears.  His eyes were dry, but y’know what, dudes don’t always cry in as obvious a way as women do; I’ve seen guys dry-cry before.  I’m gonna go ahead and declare that The Pedant had a crygasm with me today.  The sounds/breathing/body heaves were pretty unmistakeable.

But as if that’s not hot enough, I also managed to wring a bunch of extra orgasm out of The Pedant by brushing my fingers over his nipples.  I thought he’d finished coming, but my touch spurred another few little storms of moaning and shuddering, and I thrust a little more and squeezed my kegel muscles around his cock to make the most of it.   I think I ended up giving him, like, an orgasm and a half.  And I think that extra half kinda caught him by surprise. 😀

After his orgasm (crygasm…) The Pedant became self-conscious, I think, and pulled my head down into his neck so I couldn’t look at him.  I remained there – The Pedant’s spent cock still inside me, his arms around me stroking my back, my face in his neck – until he said “You haven’t orgasmed yet, have you?”  I said I hadn’t, and dismounted so he could retrieve The Hitachi.

Uncharacteristically, The Pedant opted to lie next to me for the Hitachiing instead of kneeling between my legs.  I needed that – needed the closeness of him being cuddled up to me.  Like this was something we were doing together instead of a procedure he was performing on me.  And I don’t know if it was the different-than-usual angle or if The Pedant just had some kind of epiphany since last time, but he actually put the Hitachi where I like it instead of bludgeoning me in the clit, and he didn’t try to spread my legs absurdly wide.  I came cradled by his body with one of my arms around him and my face pressed against his cheek, and he promptly made me come again.   Amazing – I was all wound up to have a battle of wills with him over the not-listening-to-what-I-want issue and somehow, as if by magic, he did what I wanted without me having to tell him.

“You’ve come twice now, correct?” he asked me.

“Yes indeed sir I have,” I said, panting and grinning, and The Pedant switched off the Hitachi and set it aside.  Which I’m reasonably okay with, but I think the polite thing to do would’ve been to ask if I was satisfied/wanted any more.  He’s probably forgotten I’m capable of it, though, since his usual overly aggressive attack on my lady bits tends to numb me so I can’t come more than once.

“How are you feeling?” The Pedant asked me during the post-orgasmic snuggles, and I think this was once again an invitation to talk about the unprotected sex.

“Pretty fucking fantastic, actually,” I said.

“Me too.”

A little later, when things were a little less post-coital and intimate-feeling (we were still naked, but lounging around on the bed head-to-foot and just talking about random shit) I said “You know what it is about the unprotected sex, though?  I’ve made my peace with it – I still want you to get tested, of course, but I think everything is probably fine and I’m okay with us barebacking.  But I get the feeling you’re a bit more cautious in this matter.  Which means I don’t ever feel like I can initiate bareback because I don’t want to be responsible for starting something you’ll regret later.  And I want to be able to initiate.”

Not gonna lie, I was hoping The Pedant would say “Yeah, fuck it, I’m okay with things, too.  Let’s just ditch condoms entirely unless our tests come back with reasons why we shouldn’t.”  He didn’t, though.  Instead he sympathized with my feelings and reiterated that he’s got a doctor’s appointment on Monday and we’ll know if it’s safe soon enough.  Which is a perfectly reasonable answer but still puts me in an awkward position.  Truth be told, I think it’s a little sketchy that I’ve let The Pedant inside me unwrapped, since he’s said we should really use condoms for now.  Sure, he started it every time, but I’m pretty sure(?) I have enough self-control to have said “stop” and therefore prevented him from doing a thing while turned on that he might not have chosen to do clear-headed.  I didn’t tell him to stop because I flat out really really wanted the unprotected sex.

But on the other hand, why should I be doing an unequal share of the work here?  We should each be pulling our weight equally in this sexual relationship by not actively initiating unprotected intercourse.  I held up my part, he didn’t hold up his.  So I don’t feel too bad.  He gets so turned on “in the heat of the moment” that he just can’t resist fucking me without a condom?  Guess what?  I guarantee you I want the unprotected sex just as much as he does, but I have the will power not to act on it.

Well, whatever.  My point is, The Pedant’s official stance is “it’s probably fine that bareback sex happened but we really should use condoms until the tests come back.”  And my stance is “it’s probably fine that bareback sex happened, and also, fuck it, let’s just keep doing that while we’re still in this stage of blissful ignorance about our STI statuses because OMG HOTTEST SEX EVAR!!!1!”  And I refuse to push The Pedant past his stated boundaries.  Which means I can either a) ask him point-blank “Do you want me to stop you from barebacking with me?” and stick to that if he says yes, b) tell The Pedant we will not be barebacking until the tests come back, and stick to it, or c) stick with the current, frustrating, unfair paradigm where he’s the one who dictates whether or not the hot sex happens and I have to just sit here passively and hope to hell he initiates.  And I’m telling you right now, it’ll probably be c) because hot sex.  But I’m still a little resentful about it.

Anyway, we were sitting around naked on my bed and he was recounting some comic book plot line about a superhero named Black Canary when I felt a little bit of semen gurgle out of me.  It does that after unprotected sex, at seemingly random intervals, which is not something I’d really thought about before.  I’d thought about how emotionally and physically intimate unprotected sex would be, but had not considered the messy aftermath.  I have to say, I don’t like this part: The Pedant gets to totally go back to normal after sex while I sit around gurgling and dripping and feeling messy.  It makes me feel unpleasantly like a receptacle; like I’ve been “used” for sex, even though I wanted and liked the sex when it was going on.  But I think that’s ingrained slut shaming making me frame things that way.  Probably some people think of the after-mess as, I dunno, a romantic souvenir or something.  I mentioned to The Pedant that I was leaking Pedant-juice and how weird that was for me, and he was like “Oh yeah.  I forgot that that happens.  If you wanted to keep using condoms just for that reason, i’d understand.”  I said maybe only on occasions when I’d be expected to put on pants right after the sex.

Eventually, we managed to get showered/dressed/ready and go out for the meal The Pedant had promised to buy me (sushi, not breakfast, since by then it was 3pm).  By the time we got to the restaurant I was having a full-on low-blood-sugar panic-attack hunger episode.  Like, shaking and barely able to form a sentence.  But the beauty of sashimi is that there’s very little prep time, and soon I was stuffing my face with delicious raw salmon.

During the meal I reiterated to The Pedant that I can’t wait for our tests to come back because I want – really, really want – the opportunity to go bareback as the aggressor for a change.  He agreed that this would be fun and said he really hadn’t expected to get carried away and go that far earlier.  Honestly, our whole cycle of having bareback sex and then him saying “I didn’t intend to do that” but doing it again at the next available opportunity?  Kinda reminds me of this old Kids in the Hall sketch (NSFW).  I don’t even take his apologies seriously anymore.  I just figure he’s using the “heat of the moment” thing as an excuse for doing something he secretly wanted to do all along.

A little later in the meal, The Pedant said something like “Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m having a good day so far.”  I nodded and “mmm-hmm’d” in solidarity, but in retrospect I wish I’d been more emphatic and actually told him the day was awesome.  I was thinking The Pedant made that remark as small talk or something but really, he might well have been trying to suss me out.  If he’s not good at reading people’s signals then it might not have been obvious to him how much I was enjoying spending time with him.

The Pedant had said he’d help me with the day’s errands, so after sushi we went and got a couple of paintings colour-copied (the lady at the copy place brings her adorable dog to work, and it melted my heart a little to watch The Pedant kneel and play with him while we waited for the copying to finish) and then to the grocery store, where I bought twice as much food as I usually do because I had someone to help me carry it all.  We headed back to my place by a different route and The Pedant was like “are we going in the right direction?  Why are we going this way?” which…does he not get that this was my neighbourhood and I’ve been to that particular grocery store hundreds of times?  Did he think I’d get us lost?

I’d bought some chocolate macaroons at the store, and as we walked home I shared them with The Pedant – popping them directly into his mouth because he was carrying grocery bags in both hands.  I wasn’t being openly salacious about it or anything, just poking the chocolate delicately through his lips with as little mouth-to-finger contact as possible since I know he doesn’t like to be overly affectionate/sensual/whatever in public.  But sometimes his lips would brush my fingers by accident and it did give me a little thrill. 🙂

Once we got home, I asked if he needed to leave right away or if there was time to watch a movie together.  The Pedant said, in a regretful tone, that he’d really probably better go.  I had to take the garbage and compost bins up from the curb, so I walked him as far as street level this time before saying goodbye.  Initially I wondered if I should skip the goodbye kiss(es) because we were in public, but then I remembered that The Pedant used to make out with me in that same spot at the end of our dates; I think his “no couply behaviour in public” rule is actually not that stringent and I’m getting paranoid and making too much of it.  I’ve somehow gotten this idea that I have to avoid touching The Pedant whatsoever if we’re outside my apartment, when in fact:

-He’s hugged me and kissed my cheek when I bumped into him in nightclubs, and even stood with his arm around me while we talked.

-He’s made out with me in the park and in front of my door.

-He’s dozed off on my shoulder on the bus.

-He’s put his arm around me at the movies and even caressed my face with the other hand.

I’m the one who’s suddenly gotten all self-conscious and afraid of being rebuffed, and started being a bit distant.  And I think he then started following my lead and then the whole thing became a vicious cycle.  If I can manage to start un-self-consciously initiating small gestures again like I used to, I bet he’d return them, and I’d be a way happier camper.

Anyway, I gave him a damn goodbye kiss.  And then two or three more (or was it him who initiated those?) and he said “it was wonderful to see you” (in a perfectly bland, casual voice, but I’m beginning the realize that The Pedant doesn’t do pleasantries – he probably really meant that it was wonderful to see me, and he’s not usually that effusive in his word choices, so I glowed).  And we hugged and off he went.

As for our movie plan this coming week, that’s still in effect, except The Pedant wants to spend the night on Monday now instead of Tuesday (apparently he has a thing to do on Wednesday and it would be more convenient for him to go there from his home than mine).  So that’ll make five weeks in a row that we’ve seen each other.  It’s probably too soon to tell whether this is a pattern or a coincidence, but I like it. 🙂

10 Comments

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10 responses to “A good visit…and yet more barebacking.

  1. So, you might not want my opinion since you’re not asking for advice here, but I think you should talk to him and tell him that if he’s allowed to initiate bareback sex, then you are too. And if he feels uneasy about it, then he needs to fucking stop doing it himself. I know it’s good sex and all, but it’s a shitty double standard, and like you said, it’s kinda controlly.

    • Yeah, you’re totally right.

      Whether I’ll do that, I don’t know. But you’re right. 😛

      I don’t think he means to be controlly, mind you. I think he’s just trying (and, well, failing) to be responsible. And I think it’s entirely likely that if I “got carried away in the heat of the moment,” he wouldn’t be mad at me or hold it against me or anything – but I still feel like I should take the high road just to be sure.

      • Leah

        The part that bothers ME about the whole thing is that I don’t get the sense he’s in the “heat of the moment” *at all*. It sounds like he consciously teases himself, and he does this consistently now. That on top of pushing you down and angling himself… just sounds like a lot of excuses to me. It wouldn’t irritate me so much if he at least OWNED this behavior when you talk about it. The fact that he keeps brushing it off and saying you should prooobably hold off just aggravates me. /ranty

        • Yeah, I totally agree with you here! This is exactly what rubbed me the wrong way when reading about it.

        • Yes, precisely.

          I’m somewhat iffy on the whole concept of “the heat of the moment” for this stuff anyway; what does that even mean? That it was an accident (it wasn’t)? That his inhibitions lowered when he got turned on, and he did something he otherwise wouldn’t have (probably)?

          Guys bitch about women being the “gatekeepers” of sex but I wouldn’t fucking have to be if he did his share in being safe.

          Anyway. I’m seeing him tomorrow and I was totally going to be like “Can we just agree to ditch the condoms for now?” and if he said he didn’t feel comfortable going without, I’d say “then don’t go without. At all. Stop initiating with me.”

          But, as of today, there is a menstrual monkeywrench in that plan. Yup, my period came early. I’m quite sure that even if The Pedant would cave on the condom thing under ordinary circumstances, he’ll balk at bathing his unwrapped junk in my actual blood. So it’s moot this time and by the next time I see him we’ll probably have our test results back.

          • Leah

            Haha, yeah, makes sense. I can completely relate to your “WTF buddy it’s not FAIR” mentality and you’re totally right on this one.

    • Shit. When I picture myself initiating, I feel weird about it. I guess I’m not that perfectly fine with barebacking.

      I see the unprotected sex we’ve had as mutual and nobody’s “fault”, because I wanted it and didn’t tell him to stop. If I somehow ended up contracting something from it, I’m 99% sure I wouldn’t blame The Pedant for this.

      And yet…actively being the one to put him inside me when I don’t know his current STI status…argh. I dunno.

      Well, I’ll know my test results (of the swab/smear, anyway – I still haven’t been to the blood clinic) in a week or so. The Pedant says he’ll know his then, too. We’ll probably only be seeing each other once in the meantime. So pretty soon it won’t be an issue.

  2. Leah

    I always go to the bathroom immediately following intercourse – I’m prone to UTIs and you should flush your system of the bacteria that got pushed in your urethra. Plus, it allows for a large chunk of the semen to drip out (along with any lingering gurgly air). After that I might get some drippy remnants but nothing that my undies (or in a particularly wet case, a kleenex) can’t handle!

    • I usually pee right after sex. The other day I guess I didn’t.

      • Leah

        Even then, it IS pretty messy 😛 I guess it’s one of the things you just kind of accept and work around? Heh. I always wondered how women with diaphragms did it, having to stick their fingers up there to remove it… wouldn’t their fingers get covered and slimy? And the whole thing just sounds scary unsafe, even with spermicide!!

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