I’ve been thinking about buying an air filter for the apartment to try to cut down on the amount of cat hair drifting through the air. The Pedant sent me a photo of one he saw in a store that he thinks would be ideal – it has a washable filter that never has to be replaced. It’s $100. Yesterday The Pedant told me he’s selling a cell phone and if he can get decent money for it he’ll chip in on that air filter “…Although I suppose that’s more of a gift for me than for you.” I don’t care that he’s chipping in out of self-interest – I’m just happy to maybe have some of my costs defrayed and to have an apartment that The Pedant likes staying in. I know the fur factor is a pet peeve for him. Maybe it even keeps him from staying as long as he might like – he said he’d never be able to stand being in such a cat-haired environment for more than a couple of days.
I love how ongoing our relationship feels. We may have occasional gaps between visits and lapses in communication, but The Pedant is always making reference to “the next time I come over…” or reminding me that I can see his ass on a regular basis. And now he’s willing to invest in something for my apartment. It’s clear he has no intention of going anywhere, and that’s awesome.
As I predicted, knowing that The Pedant has dating-type, more-than-friendly feelings for me has escalated my own feelings a bit because I feel safe having them. So I’ve been feeling a stronger-than-ever urge lately to tell him I love him.
Reasons why I don’t wanna drop the L-bomb just yet:
-We’ve only just had the FeelingsTalk and I don’t want The Pedant to feel like I’m moving too fast, trying to claim ownership of him, etc.
-I really, really don’t wanna say it and not hear it back – the sense of imbalance would just about kill me. And him rating me a 7 on a scale of “Ewww to in-love” makes the reciprocation kind of iffy, if you ask me. Could go either way. If he’d said “9” that would be different.
-I feel like I’ve already done all the brave things so far: I initiated our first date, our first kiss, and the FeelingsTalk. I told him I was falling for him at a time when I honestly had no idea whether he even liked me as more than a friend-with-benefits. I feel like it’s high time he took a risk for a change; if I-love-yous are to be exchanged, it would be good if he started it. And it does seem like our intimacy is progressing lately (possibly because my FeelingsConfession made him see me in a new light, or made him feel safe?) so I’m hoping he’ll get to the point of being able to…say stuff.
-I wonder how much of this “love” I’m feeling is being generated by the sex. Did the sex get way more intimate and intense lately because I have feelings for him, or did I develop feelings for him because the sex got so intimate and intense? It feels like we’re having in-love sex, to me, but I can’t be certain and I don’t want to make a declaration of feelings if the feelings aren’t “real.”
Reasons why I do wanna drop the L-bomb:
-I feel it. Even if this feeling isn’t “real” in the sense of being based on his actual personality – even if I’m just getting attached because of the sex (which is not necessarily the case!) – in the brain chemical sense it’s as real as it gets; if you gave me a brain scan or measured my hormone levels or something, I pretty much guarantee my brain is doing the same things now that it did when I was falling in “real” love with Minx back in the day. So why not treat the emotion as valid? Why not express it?
-To an extent, I have resigned myself to the fact that I’ll probably always have to do the hard communication work with The Pedant. That’s the price of admission with him. This is a boy who still wasn’t sure he should kiss me that first time, even when I told him that a) I’d had a crush on him for years and b) my boyfriend and I had opened our relationship so c) it wasn’t too late to explore our mutual attraction. He doesn’t seem to pick up on anything but absolute unflinching directness (like when I broke down that day and asked, point-blank, “can I kiss you?”). So probably even if he actually does love me, he’s not gonna know if he’s welcome to say it, even though I told him weeks ago that I’m falling for him. He’s just not going to make the connection that if I have feelings for him, I probably want him to have feelings for me and would like it if he said so. I may have to do the heavy lifting on this one.
-When he’s inside me and we’re looking in each others’ eyes I feel so incredibly close to him that I have to bite my tongue sometimes to keep from saying it. And those moments are so obliteratingly, brain-smashingly intense that the feeling must be mutual. Mustn’t it? I feel like we couldn’t reach that fever pitch if only one of us was bringing emotion to it. To be honest, I’m pretty sure The Pedant’s feelings for me have escalated fairly recently and fairly quickly and that’s why the sex changed like it has. I mean, I’ve always had good bedroom chemistry with him, but lately there’s been a fundamental change in the sex that is strongly reminiscent of times when someone I was dating and/or sleeping with fell in love with me and it was mutual. The fucking feels all spiritual ‘n’ shit.
Regardless, I’m gonna try to hold off on any big declarations for the next few visits – mostly because the FeelingsTalk was a scary enough thing and I don’t need more scary things right now.
I wonder if there’s any chance in the world of The Pedant a) saying “I love you” to me and b) being the one to say it first?