FeelingsTalk aftermath

It’s been, like…five days since The Pedant was here and we had our FeelingsTalk.

In the relationship/self-help book Why Men Love Bitches, it says that women tend to get all mushy and overly attached and possessive after they start having sex with a dude (I often do, to some extent), and this will often drive a guy away – there’s this sense of “we slept together and now you owe me love/commitment/attachment!” that spooks them.  Therefore if a woman makes a strong effort to remain calm and rational and not cling, it will throw the guy off-balance, impress him, and make him less likely to bolt.  I have a big time love/hate relationship with that book but I agree with that part of it – and think it’s equally applicable to the first I-love-you (or, in The Pedant’s case, the first approval rating. :P).  Especially since he seems to have a fear of me becoming possessive.

So, he left on Friday evening and I didn’t contact him whatsoever until Monday when I texted him to tell him my second date with Pixie had gone well.  We had a brief little conversation about that.  And on Tuesday I emailed him a link to a YouTube video I’d told him about when he was over – no response (not that one was needed).

Here’s the thing.

1) I am missing him and wanting contact.  I’d spent a long time wondering whether The Pedant had any more-than-casual feelings for me at all, and now that I know, I kinda want to bask in it.  I want to see him again soon.  I want to snuggle a lot.  I want to make out. 😀

2) Remember how a big part of my wanting to know The Pedant’s feelings was actually because I wanted to know if I had the emotional leverage to ask for changes in the relationship?  Now that I know the score, there are a bunch of things I want to bring up.

I want to tell The Pedant that one of the reasons I let issues fester so long is that he’s made disparaging remarks about the archetypal irrational/overemotional woman and I want so badly not to be slapped with that label that I overcompensate and try not to show any negative emotions at all, ever – and that if he reassures me that a bit of visible upset won’t get me dismissed as a Psycho Bitch, it’ll be way easier for me to address issues as they happen.

I want to ask “So um when you said you didn’t want me to get ‘possessive,’ were you referring specifically to me having issues with you seeing other women, or to me generally making too many demands on your time?” because it didn’t occur to me to ask that at the time and it’s kind of an important distinction.

I want to ask if he’s still comfortable sticking with his “visits every 2-3 weeks” plan (we’ve actually been seeing each other more often than that lately but I don’t know whether it’s a coincidence).  ‘Cause personally I’d be happy to get together more often than that…and maybe he would be, too, since his feelings for me seem to be deepening.  But of course I don’t wanna be broaching that topic until I broach the previous one. 😛

I want to ask “So how was the clinic on Monday?” because he said he would (finally) get his STI tests out of the way and I want to know that he actually did it.

And then I tell myself “Self, if you say any of those things right now he’s going to think his FeelingsConfession opened up a whole huge can of worms and I’ll suddenly be haranguing him about emotional or practical concerns all the time and we’ll never have any fun ever again.”

And then I tell myself “Yeah, but in hiding all your emotional shit, you’re still pandering to him so as not to seem like a Psycho Bitch.  You’re still trying to be The Fun Girl Who Never Makes Waves.  Which is ridiculous.  He’s shown himself to be good at handling conflict in the past – even when you were just a casual fuck to him, for all you knew!  And if you do indeed have feelings for him and want something resembling a relationship, it’s time to treat this like one.  It’s time to let yourself be human around him.”

And then I tell myself “Yyyyeah…but now might not be the best time.  It really would look as though his admission of feelings made you think you owned his ass and could start being your real, horrible, insecure, demanding self.”

And then I tell myself, “Bah, you probably only want to send him those messages because you miss him, you’re trying to provoke contact, and you know that he’s more likely to reply to something serious than to a casual ‘hello’ or funny link.  Why don’t you forget about all that shit for now and just ask him to a movie next week instead?  That, too, is time-sensitive and will garner a reply.  Plus, if he says yes, it means upcoming Pedant time.”

Y’know what?  I was thinking if I invited him out too soon he’d feel smothered, but actually if I ask him to a Tuesday movie it’ll have been almost two weeks since his last visit.  So if he feels “smothered” by that, he’s just being stupid.

The other issue is that the FeelingsTalk has made me so self-conscious, I feel like I’ll barely be able to move around him.  He’s acknowledged my feelings for him (arrrgh he knows he knows…) and he’s indicated that he returns them (which in some ways makes me feel less secure, not more – before, I was hoping to win his feelings.  I thought I was in a low position and aspiring to a higher one.  Now I’m in a high position looking down at the long, sheer drop to the ground…).  I simultaneously want to see The Pedant and kiss him and feel reassured that he’s still into me…and avoid him so this moment of mutual feeling is preserved forever and I won’t have to endure a fall from grace.  Yes, I know, I have issues.

Hmmm.  When I started out writing this, I was gonna ask you guys for advice on how to proceed, but the act of writing helped clarify my thoughts.  I think I’m gonna keep the emotional shit to myself for the moment and just ask him to a movie.  But, I’m going to try really hard to notice when he pisses me off and call him out on it immediately, as he’d requested.  Because yeah – it is time to test his resilience.

As always, I welcome reader input on my situation – even though I’ve figured out my next move already.

2 Comments

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2 responses to “FeelingsTalk aftermath

  1. Brugmansia

    I support your next move! And I remember hating that book.

    • I liked the bits about having self-respect, maintaining your own personality and schedule no matter what, and talking through issues calmly and directly.

      I HATED the slut-shamey bits, the “feel free to manipulate men because they are stupid and gullible” bits, and the “pretend to be a helpless idiot because men are emasculated by capable women” bits.

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