And now I have my answer.

Usually I try to document The Pedant’s visits in chronological order, but fuck it, a huge thing happened and I’m skipping ahead to that.

I’ve been going so insane wondering whether The Pedant really cares about me or is sending me mixed signals (due to Asperger’s? Or me interpreting things oddly?) that I decided I needed to ask him sometime soon.  Preferably when he was getting dressed and about to leave, so he’d be preoccupied with putting clothes on (no scary eye contact while I made myself vulnerable) and if I didn’t like his answer, he’d be gone anyway.  If I brought the subject up during sexytimes like last time and he was like “Oh, you’re just some girl I’m boning” then I’d have to either bring the sex to a screeching halt or bluff my way through it pretending that my feelings weren’t hurt, so yeah.

We spent today cleaning my apartment, having unprotected sex (yeah, I know) and cleaning some more, and then The Pedant had another nightclub event he wanted to go to so he started verrrrrrry sloooooowwwwlllyyyy getting ready to leave.  The Big Question was burning a hole in my brain.  I was waiting and waiting for The Pedant to start putting pants on, and he kept not doing it; I popped downstairs to get a load of laundry out of the dryer and when I came back he was still naked and I thought “well, fuck it; let him be physically vulnerable during this exchange.  That’ll balance out the emotional vulnerability I’m about to unleash.”

And I started putting the fresh, hot pillowcases back on the bed to occupy myself so I didn’t look all twitchy, and I said: “So, uh, on a scale of one to ten, with one being ‘ew’ and ten being ‘in love’, how do you feel about me?”  I gave him a scale to work with because I figured that would make things less vague and allow him to express his feelings without actually having to actually say mushy things to me, which seems to be difficult for him.

The Pedant burst into laughter and, at my questioning look, said “the question amuses me because I used to work for a marketing survey firm.”

I acknowledged the silliness with a little smile and shrug and said “Well, click the applicable radio button.”

The Pedant said “seven” and I carefully concealed my urge to collapse on the floor with relief.  Seven is about what I would’ve said for him, too.  Well, it varies from day to day – right after sex it can go up a point or three.  But post-coital feelings can’t be trusted.  Seven is probably the baseline.

“Oh,” The Pedant remembered suddenly, “A couple of weeks ago you said you might be falling for me and asked if it was okay.  And my answer to that is yes, as long as you don’t start getting possessive.”

“Well,” I said, concentrating furiously on the pillowcases, “These feelings have been kicking around in my head for a few months now…I’m a ‘measure twice, cut once’ kind of girl when it comes to emotional stuff – ”

“That seems like a good policy,” The Pedant interjected.

” – So I’ve been just kind of waiting and processing and making sure of things before I told you anything.  But yeah…if my behaviour hasn’t changed over the past few months, I don’t think it’s likely to.”

“Okay, good.  Because when [ex-girlfirend?  Fuck buddy?  I forget the story] began to fall for me, all of a sudden she was expecting me to promptly answer every single phone call and stuff, and it got to be a little much.”

“Generally,” I said, “My philosophy is to ask myself whether I’m getting what I want from a person.  If I am, it doesn’t matter what you do when I’m not around.  If I’m not – if I want more attention from you or whatever – then I’ll talk to you about it.  But this is just as likely to happen because you get a time-consuming job or are hanging out with friends all the time as because of some girl.”

The Pedant nodded his satisfaction with this and made some scornful comment about chicks who think they’re “special little snowflakes” who fulfill a unique need, or something like that.  And I was like “But…people are snowflakes.  They do fulfill unique needs.”  I was thinking of the fact that everyone I’ve loved, I’ve loved for different reasons and in different ways.

When The Pedant continued to insist that this was not the case, I began to feel a little hurt.  “What, so women are just modular, interchangeable units to you?” I asked.

“No, I’m not saying that, I’m saying that I’m capable of having the same depth of feeling for more than one person.  That just because I may love one woman doesn’t mean she’s the only person in the whole world I can feel that way for.”

“Ohhhh I see what you’re saying.  Yeah, I agree,” I said.

I think we fell silent then and he kept on gathering up his stuff.  It bugged me that we’d had bareback sex earlier and he hadn’t said a single thing about it except to ask “How are you feeling?” afterwards; it seemed like more discussion was in order.  So to get him talking I was like “Sooooo we had unprotected sex again…”

“Heat of the moment,” The Pedant said.  Probably, from what I know of him, he meant “just so you know, I didn’t plan that out ahead of time and was not deliberately trying to manipulate you into anything.  It just happened in the heat of the moment.”  But I wish he’d said the whole sentence because otherwise there’s room for interpretation – like that he was absolving himself of responsibility.

He did add “It’s really probably fine, but yeah, obviously that’s not something we should make a habit out of until our tests come back clean.”

“Just promise me you’re not doing that with anyone else, or even rubbing your junk up against theirs the way you do with me,” I said, and The Pedant looked at me like it was crazy to even think that he might do those things, and he vehemently shook his head and said he doesn’t do that.

We were silent for a minute.  Then I realized what was bothering me about this exchange.  “Hey – if things can happen ‘in the heat of the moment’ with me, how do I know they won’t happen with someone else?”

“Because you’re the one I see the most often.  And you’re the one I’m the most attached to, truth be told,” The Pedant said (d’awwwww!!!).  He went on to say something about it making sense to him to have unprotected sex only with a primary partner, and wrap it up with everyone else (so…I’m a primary partner?!).  He said he’s had unprotected blow jobs from his other partners but he’s pretty sure that’s just about the safest form of sex you can have that doesn’t incorporate robots.  I said no, dry-humping in latex bodysuits would be between those two extremes.  We went off on a tangent about latex fetishists for a while.

But y’know…as much as I love the implication that The Pedant initiated bareback sex with me as an expression of caring and closeness, I do not love the implication that he’s not using his rational mind in this.  I want him to think “It’s okay to do this with Cowgirl and only Cowgirl,” not “it’s okay to bareback with someone I care a lot about” because what if he meets someone else and grows close to them?  I mean, let’s not forget that when I first offered to bareback with The Pedant, he said he might rather not because he didn’t want to lose the habit of reaching for a condom every time.  It sounds like there could be great potential for mistakes here.

Mind you, if The Pedant slips up with someone else, I utterly trust that he’ll tell me this before the next time I have sex with him.  So a mistake on his part doesn’t put me in undue danger, it’s just a bummer because we’ll have to use condoms again.  So not a huge deal, but if the tests are all good and we proceed to regular barebacking, I’d like to keep it that way, so I really hope he can remember what’s what.

I told The Pedant about my skill at just kinda “clicking” my brain into a given setting ahead of time – a setting like “no barebacking with this person,” for instance – so that I don’t screw up no matter how turned on and stupid I become.  The Pedant says he doesn’t really have that kind of brain.  Dammit. 😛

So that was my FeelingsTalk with The Pedant, and this is what I’ve learned:

-The Pedant’s feelings for me are approximately 70% of the maximum amount of loving feelings a person can have for someone

-He barebacks with me because he feels so close to me (and I guess he thought that was obvious since he seemed so appalled that I would ask about his activities with his other, “occasional” partners)

-He’s okay with me falling for him (but what does that meeeeeean?!?  Does it mean he considers himself to be falling for me, or just that he’s not bothered the idea that I might be more into him than vice versa?)

When he left my apartment, The Pedant kept going back in for more and more goodbye kisses and even sneaked a sweet little nose-rub in there.  He’s been doing more and more cutesy little relationshippy things like that lately and, given the things we’ve talked about today, I’m thinking that’s not a coincidence.  Either his feelings for me have been growing stronger lately, or they’ve been there a while but he’s braver about expressing them now ’cause he knows I’m feeling things too.

I’m feeling pretty floaty right now. 🙂

Hopefully I’ll have time to blog about other aspects of the visit soon – like the spontaneous unprotected sex, for instance.  Which was fuckin’ blazing hot (although not – or not entirely – because of the lack of condom.  Don’t try this at home, kids).

9 Comments

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9 responses to “And now I have my answer.

  1. Just A Slut

    Yeah You! I’m happy you finally cowgirled up and decided to discuss your feelings. Pedant I’d off my poo list now so yeah him too. I’m sorry but sometimes he has a real knack for either saying the wrong thing or ignoring the wrong question.

    Also he makes a lot of sense with how a person can care for more then one person. But why can’t more then one person be special and unique to a lover?

    I would have to feel a little bit special in order to be able to make myself vulnerable enough to be nude or tied up with. I think everyone to some extent needs to feel special. Otherwise it could be easy to feel as if Ýou are a place holder.

    Also because of the door kisses I’m cutting off Pedants TV priviledges lol. Kidding. But seriously I’m proud of both of you!

    Just A Slut

    • I’m sorry but sometimes he has a real knack for either saying the wrong thing or ignoring the wrong question.

      Oh, he totally does. But he gives me such a good vibe that I trust him and believe his intentions are pure. He just has some weird brain quirks, is all.

      Also he makes a lot of sense with how a person can care for more then one person. But why can’t more then one person be special and unique to a lover?

      I think with his “special snowflake” comment he only meant that a monogamy-minded person often wants to believe that they’re the only person their partner could possibly fall in love with, and this just isn’t true. It’s not that he thinks women are all interchangeable or anything. It’s that he thinks nobody is so special and unique that they’re the only one you could love.

      Also because of the door kisses I’m cutting off Pedants TV priviledges lol.

      “Bad boy! Go to Cowgirl’s room!” 😀

  2. Brugmansia

    Yay! This is exciting!

    I wouldn’t assume or worry too much about him falling for you unless he says he is. I know, easier said than done. But in my mind it is a wonderful thing for you two to be on the same page with your 7s, and also for him to be really okay with you falling for him (as long as you don’t get possessive). In contrast, I shut down and start to resent a relationship as soon as it looks like the other person is more into me than vice versa. But he evidently did hear you, and is acting more affectionate towards you, not less, so really, you two are in a lovely place.

    I did see a little compatibility red flag in his comment about the last girl who fell for him expecting him to answer every phone call. From your previous commentary on the subject of texts, you get paranoid and anxious when he doesn’t respond. From his comment here, he may indeed consider it smothering if you voiced those concerns. It’s crazy to me that he thinks he can just ignore some phone calls, but at the same time, I totally get why you’d be hesitant to raise the issue.

    But really – yay!

    • I shut down and start to resent a relationship as soon as it looks like the other person is more into me than vice versa. But he evidently did hear you, and is acting more affectionate towards you, not less, so really, you two are in a lovely place.

      We absolutely are. And I’ll try not to obsess, but…you know. 😛

      I did see a little compatibility red flag in his comment about the last girl who fell for him expecting him to answer every phone call. From your previous commentary on the subject of texts, you get paranoid and anxious when he doesn’t respond.

      Yup. I see a potential issue there, too. But I think it’ll be at least a little easier for me now that I know our feelings for each other are mutual. He cares about me (more so than he does about his other partners, by his own admission!) and this means I’m not easily replaceable (like I might be if this was just casual sex for him).

      Part of my paranoia when I don’t hear from him stems from the fact that he generally ignores his phone out of courtesy when he’s with me, and so when he doesn’t respond to one of my communiqués promptly, of course I wonder if it’s because he’s extending the same courtesy to someone else. Like…someone else he likes as much as, or more than, he likes me, and someone he’ll eventually start spending all his time with so I end up with nothing. But there isn’t anyone he likes more than me, so I’m safe. For now, anyway.

      It’s crazy to me that he thinks he can just ignore some phone calls

      I understand it. To expect him to answer every single phone call means expecting him not to have a life. It means expecting him to vigilantly watch his phone’s display while he’s at the movies, just in case. It means expecting him to pick up the phone even when he’s hanging out with friends or visiting a sick relative in the hospital. It means making myself into an obligation rather than a pleasure, which I absolutely don’t want to do (and I wouldn’t want someone trying to chain me down to that extent, either!).

      And if my call or text is just a random hello and not about something urgent, I really don’t mind if he takes a while to get back to me. Or rather, my anxiety makes it bother me but I can see that rationally there is no real reason to be upset.

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