Usually I try to document The Pedant’s visits in chronological order, but fuck it, a huge thing happened and I’m skipping ahead to that.
I’ve been going so insane wondering whether The Pedant really cares about me or is sending me mixed signals (due to Asperger’s? Or me interpreting things oddly?) that I decided I needed to ask him sometime soon. Preferably when he was getting dressed and about to leave, so he’d be preoccupied with putting clothes on (no scary eye contact while I made myself vulnerable) and if I didn’t like his answer, he’d be gone anyway. If I brought the subject up during sexytimes like last time and he was like “Oh, you’re just some girl I’m boning” then I’d have to either bring the sex to a screeching halt or bluff my way through it pretending that my feelings weren’t hurt, so yeah.
We spent today cleaning my apartment, having unprotected sex (yeah, I know) and cleaning some more, and then The Pedant had another nightclub event he wanted to go to so he started verrrrrrry sloooooowwwwlllyyyy getting ready to leave. The Big Question was burning a hole in my brain. I was waiting and waiting for The Pedant to start putting pants on, and he kept not doing it; I popped downstairs to get a load of laundry out of the dryer and when I came back he was still naked and I thought “well, fuck it; let him be physically vulnerable during this exchange. That’ll balance out the emotional vulnerability I’m about to unleash.”
And I started putting the fresh, hot pillowcases back on the bed to occupy myself so I didn’t look all twitchy, and I said: “So, uh, on a scale of one to ten, with one being ‘ew’ and ten being ‘in love’, how do you feel about me?” I gave him a scale to work with because I figured that would make things less vague and allow him to express his feelings without actually having to actually say mushy things to me, which seems to be difficult for him.
The Pedant burst into laughter and, at my questioning look, said “the question amuses me because I used to work for a marketing survey firm.”
I acknowledged the silliness with a little smile and shrug and said “Well, click the applicable radio button.”
The Pedant said “seven” and I carefully concealed my urge to collapse on the floor with relief. Seven is about what I would’ve said for him, too. Well, it varies from day to day – right after sex it can go up a point or three. But post-coital feelings can’t be trusted. Seven is probably the baseline.
“Oh,” The Pedant remembered suddenly, “A couple of weeks ago you said you might be falling for me and asked if it was okay. And my answer to that is yes, as long as you don’t start getting possessive.”
“Well,” I said, concentrating furiously on the pillowcases, “These feelings have been kicking around in my head for a few months now…I’m a ‘measure twice, cut once’ kind of girl when it comes to emotional stuff – ”
“That seems like a good policy,” The Pedant interjected.
” – So I’ve been just kind of waiting and processing and making sure of things before I told you anything. But yeah…if my behaviour hasn’t changed over the past few months, I don’t think it’s likely to.”
“Okay, good. Because when [ex-girlfirend? Fuck buddy? I forget the story] began to fall for me, all of a sudden she was expecting me to promptly answer every single phone call and stuff, and it got to be a little much.”
“Generally,” I said, “My philosophy is to ask myself whether I’m getting what I want from a person. If I am, it doesn’t matter what you do when I’m not around. If I’m not – if I want more attention from you or whatever – then I’ll talk to you about it. But this is just as likely to happen because you get a time-consuming job or are hanging out with friends all the time as because of some girl.”
The Pedant nodded his satisfaction with this and made some scornful comment about chicks who think they’re “special little snowflakes” who fulfill a unique need, or something like that. And I was like “But…people are snowflakes. They do fulfill unique needs.” I was thinking of the fact that everyone I’ve loved, I’ve loved for different reasons and in different ways.
When The Pedant continued to insist that this was not the case, I began to feel a little hurt. “What, so women are just modular, interchangeable units to you?” I asked.
“No, I’m not saying that, I’m saying that I’m capable of having the same depth of feeling for more than one person. That just because I may love one woman doesn’t mean she’s the only person in the whole world I can feel that way for.”
“Ohhhh I see what you’re saying. Yeah, I agree,” I said.
I think we fell silent then and he kept on gathering up his stuff. It bugged me that we’d had bareback sex earlier and he hadn’t said a single thing about it except to ask “How are you feeling?” afterwards; it seemed like more discussion was in order. So to get him talking I was like “Sooooo we had unprotected sex again…”
“Heat of the moment,” The Pedant said. Probably, from what I know of him, he meant “just so you know, I didn’t plan that out ahead of time and was not deliberately trying to manipulate you into anything. It just happened in the heat of the moment.” But I wish he’d said the whole sentence because otherwise there’s room for interpretation – like that he was absolving himself of responsibility.
He did add “It’s really probably fine, but yeah, obviously that’s not something we should make a habit out of until our tests come back clean.”
“Just promise me you’re not doing that with anyone else, or even rubbing your junk up against theirs the way you do with me,” I said, and The Pedant looked at me like it was crazy to even think that he might do those things, and he vehemently shook his head and said he doesn’t do that.
We were silent for a minute. Then I realized what was bothering me about this exchange. “Hey – if things can happen ‘in the heat of the moment’ with me, how do I know they won’t happen with someone else?”
“Because you’re the one I see the most often. And you’re the one I’m the most attached to, truth be told,” The Pedant said (d’awwwww!!!). He went on to say something about it making sense to him to have unprotected sex only with a primary partner, and wrap it up with everyone else (so…I’m a primary partner?!). He said he’s had unprotected blow jobs from his other partners but he’s pretty sure that’s just about the safest form of sex you can have that doesn’t incorporate robots. I said no, dry-humping in latex bodysuits would be between those two extremes. We went off on a tangent about latex fetishists for a while.
But y’know…as much as I love the implication that The Pedant initiated bareback sex with me as an expression of caring and closeness, I do not love the implication that he’s not using his rational mind in this. I want him to think “It’s okay to do this with Cowgirl and only Cowgirl,” not “it’s okay to bareback with someone I care a lot about” because what if he meets someone else and grows close to them? I mean, let’s not forget that when I first offered to bareback with The Pedant, he said he might rather not because he didn’t want to lose the habit of reaching for a condom every time. It sounds like there could be great potential for mistakes here.
Mind you, if The Pedant slips up with someone else, I utterly trust that he’ll tell me this before the next time I have sex with him. So a mistake on his part doesn’t put me in undue danger, it’s just a bummer because we’ll have to use condoms again. So not a huge deal, but if the tests are all good and we proceed to regular barebacking, I’d like to keep it that way, so I really hope he can remember what’s what.
I told The Pedant about my skill at just kinda “clicking” my brain into a given setting ahead of time – a setting like “no barebacking with this person,” for instance – so that I don’t screw up no matter how turned on and stupid I become. The Pedant says he doesn’t really have that kind of brain. Dammit. 😛
So that was my FeelingsTalk with The Pedant, and this is what I’ve learned:
-The Pedant’s feelings for me are approximately 70% of the maximum amount of loving feelings a person can have for someone
-He barebacks with me because he feels so close to me (and I guess he thought that was obvious since he seemed so appalled that I would ask about his activities with his other, “occasional” partners)
-He’s okay with me falling for him (but what does that meeeeeean?!? Does it mean he considers himself to be falling for me, or just that he’s not bothered the idea that I might be more into him than vice versa?)
When he left my apartment, The Pedant kept going back in for more and more goodbye kisses and even sneaked a sweet little nose-rub in there. He’s been doing more and more cutesy little relationshippy things like that lately and, given the things we’ve talked about today, I’m thinking that’s not a coincidence. Either his feelings for me have been growing stronger lately, or they’ve been there a while but he’s braver about expressing them now ’cause he knows I’m feeling things too.
I’m feeling pretty floaty right now. 🙂
Hopefully I’ll have time to blog about other aspects of the visit soon – like the spontaneous unprotected sex, for instance. Which was fuckin’ blazing hot (although not – or not entirely – because of the lack of condom. Don’t try this at home, kids).