Chicks are complicated.

Okay, so the date with the girl…

Here’s some background.  This girl – we’ll call her Pixie – is a friend of The Pedant’s.  I met her at his recent birthday lunch, and I thought she was cute and had a purely aesthetic crush on her (since she didn’t talk enough for me to really get to know her).

When I mentioned this to The Pedant, he revealed that Pixie is in fact a lesbian, and became fixated on hooking us up.  He offered to tell Pixie I was into her and I said noooooooo, don’t do that, I’m not even sure how much into women I am so he’d be getting me in way over my head.  So instead he just texted her “Cowgirl says hi” – to which she replied that she’d been checking me out at the birthday thing.  (At least, this is how The Pedant claims their text conversation went.  I wasn’t there for it.)

Shortly after that, Pixie friended me on Facebook and I flirted as best I could – but I’m a total spaz with women I think I might be attracted to, and tend to freeze like a deer in headlights, so I’m not saying the flirting was any good.  It did the job though I guess because apparently Pixie told The Pedant she was definitely interested in me.

During The Pedant’s last visit, Pixie invited the two of us to a bar to hear some friend of hers sing.  She got there first and was tipsy by the time we arrived.  She power-flirted with me – told me I looked amazing, worked the fact that she’s submissive into conversation, felt the fabric of my dress and marvelled at how soft it was, stuff like that – and I thanked her but otherwise had no idea how to react.

Soon after she felt the material of my dress, Pixie said “I hope you don’t think I’m being too forward, but may I kiss you?”

There we go.  That, I knew how to react to.  I smiled, took her chin lightly in my fingers, and planted a kiss on her lips.  I leaned and said in her ear, “Directness makes things so much easier” and then we kissed some more.  Well, a lot more. Normally I don’t like to make out too extremely in public, but I kind of…didn’t know what else to do.  It was too loud to talk effectively and she kept giving me huge laser-beam flirty eyes and I just got sucked in.

Oh, and after the first kiss or two she said “You don’t have to be gentle with me,” which just…RAWR.  I asked if biting was acceptable and she said “completely.”

The Pedant, meanwhile, was sitting a short distance away.  It seemed like he was watching the musical acts, but when I touched base with him a little later it turned out he’d been keeping tabs on exactly what was happening.  And he told me that Pixie at one point had made eye contact with him and given him a thumbs up while she and I were making out. 😛

How did I feel about the kissing, you ask?  Well, I wasn’t physically turned on, but then again that also happens with dudes these days and I was all nervous and new and whatever, so that might not mean anything.  It was nice, though.  The first thing I always notice when I’m kissing a girl (which has happened, oh, three or four times before this) is that her mouth area is really, really soft.  Even a very cleanshaven guy has whiskers under the surface of his skin that coarsen the texture.  Most chicks obviously don’t have this issue.  The softness is…nice. 😀

At one point, Pixie got up for a smoke (yeah, she smokes…blech) and in her absence, someone claimed her chair.  The bar was really crowded so I didn’t feel I could reasonably tell the person not to sit there in that perfectly empty chair.  When Pixie returned, I scooted back in my own chair and planted my feet wide apart so she could sit on the edge of the seat between my thighs, with her back to my front.  She kept giving me more laser-beam flirty eyes over her shoulder, and so (though you’d think the position would’ve been awkward for her) we kissed a bunch more.  I began to get a little bit feisty with her, pulling her head back by the hair and wrapping my hand around her throat.  It was too loud in the bar to hear it, but I felt her moan against my palm.  My first girl experiences back in high school were totally awkward and wooden so it was thrilling to actually make a girl react.

Eventually, The Pedant and I decided to get going; Pixie stayed to hang with her musician friend.  And a day or so later she messaged me on Facebook asking if I wanted to go grab a beverage later that week.  Which was tonight.  So.

We met at a coffee shop (this was a test on my part; Pixie had had a lot of drinks at the bar that time and I sensed a possible case of alcoholism.  I suggested a cafe for our first official date because wanted to see if she’d consent to non-alcoholic beverages without complaint.  She did).

I really wasn’t sure what to expect.  She’d been super straightforward last time, with the asking to kiss me within the first five minutes and everything, but it struck me that perhaps in the cold light of day she’d feel a little sheepish about the public display (or just realize she should probably get to know me instead of just kissing me).  And yeah, that seems to be the deal.  She was very reticent with me; not even a peck hello.

She was also awkward as hell.  Probably we don’t have much in common (NB: she’s 22) but also she answered all my questions as briefly as possible and didn’t ask me anything or volunteer much information.  She was still giving me flirty eyes, and she agreed enthusiastically with pretty much anything I said, so I don’t think it’s that she’d suddenly lost interest in me.  I guess she just didn’t know how to talk.

Sample conversation (paraphrased):

Me: I really like this cafe.  The gelato is amazing.

Pixie: Yeah!  Totally!

[Excruciating awkward silence.]

Me: So, do you come here a lot?

Pixie: Yeah!  The Pedant and I hang out here sometimes.

[Excruciating awkward silence.]

Etc., etc.

I decided small talk was just never going to take off with us, so I started delving into more personal stuff: I asked her about her submissiveness, what she was looking for in a dom, etc.  That helped open her up a little bit, but not by much.  After feeling like I was quizzing her for like ten straight minutes, I said “…Was there anything you wanted to ask me?” – HNT HINT – and she said no, she’s not good at thinking of things to ask people, she just likes to kind of go with the flow.  And then we sat there in dead silence for forty-five seconds, staring down at our hands, until I thought of a next thing to say.

Eventually, somehow, the topic of drag kings came up and Pixie said there’s a show on Wednesdays downtown that she likes to go to sometimes.  I commented that it would be super cool to watch drag kings perform, and she reminded me that today is Wednesday so we could totally go that night.  I said okay…which left us with about three hours to kill beforehand.  I did not think that through.

I suggested we get out of the cafe and take a walk in the park or something; Pixie enthusiastically agreed to this.  It had gotten colder outside though so we stopped at her place so she could get a jacket, then stopped at my place so I could get mine.  I parked Pixie in the bedroom so she could say hi to Bastardcat, and then I used the bathroom and dug up a fuzzy-lined hoodie to wear.

When I came back into the bedroom, Pixie was sitting on the edge of the bed, playing with Bastardcat.  She’d taken off her jacket, which I took as a hint that she was open to us not leaving the apartment again right away.  Despite our awkward conversation, I was finding myself attracted to her; I was wanting to touch her (and wondering if breaking the ice physically might help with the talking stuff).  I kept hoping Pixie would initiate something like she had at the bar, but no.

Finally – although I wasn’t sure I was welcome and it scared me shitless – I leaned across Bastardcat and kissed her.  She received it well, and pretty soon I gently pushed her backward so she was lying on the bed (her legs still over the edge) and I straddled her.  “If this is too much or too fast or anything, you can tell me” I said (her FetLife profile has a whole spiel about wanting to get to know someone before she goes too far with them, so I wasn’t sure how much she would let me do).  She said so far everything was just fine.  “I have no particular plan here,” I said, “I just want to play a little bit.”  She said “playing is nice.”

We made out for a while, and it struck me that she wasn’t contributing to the makeouts in any way aside from kissing me back.  I caressed Pixie’s face and arms, kissed my way down her neck to her cleavage and found a few spots along the way that made her moan, chickened out of going any further, and kissed my way back up, and the whole time she was just lying back and receiving my attentions with her arms at her sides.  When I put her hand on my hip, she kept it there but didn’t move it around or anything.  I will say, though, that her soft little moans and hitches of breath did turn me on (I kind of wanted to dry hump her, to be honest, but she was being so…subtle in her own responses that this would have seemed crass).  I was curious to go further – maybe get her topless, at least, and see if I’m any good at stimulating someone’s boobs – but she wasn’t taking her clothes off, or moving her clothes aside to give me better access, or even moaning super hard when my mouth approached the edge of her tank top so I’d know that I might be welcome to move it aside, so I wasn’t sure what to do.

I backed up, smiled at Pixie, and said “How are you doing?” she smiled back, said she was fine, asked how I was doing.  I said I was good.  I debated telling her that I have almost no experience with women – I thought maybe if she knew that, she’d be clearer about what she wanted and give explicit directions and stuff.  But then it occurred to me that a confession like that might make her even more awkward than before.  I didn’t want to chance it, so I kept silent and we kissed a little more and then I segued into conversation instead and we decided to leave for the drag king bar.

I just don’t get it.  If Pixie was attracted to me, why wasn’t she touching me?  She’s the one who identifies as lesbian, she’s the one who initially did the pursuing, and yet most of the passion in our makeouts seemed to come from me (and this was true at the bar a few nights ago, too; I just didn’t consciously notice it at the time).  Perhaps she’s just such a sub that she expects me to do all the work…if so, I think we’re not compatible.  I like to take charge and be on top but I want my partner to seem into me, dammit!  This means touching me back.  If Pixie and I ever make out again I’m going to specifically tell her to do that.  That’s if we make out again. 😛

We arrived at the bar long before the drag king show was slated to start, and we seriously just sat there staring at our own fingers for most of that time.  A few times during the course of the night (once en route to the bar and a couple of times at the bar) I reached over and stroked her hair and/or neck (more to break the horrible awkwardness than anything); she would go all still and her eyes would flutter closed, and when my fingers stopped moving she’d give me a little peck on the lips.  And yet at no time did she initiate anything with me.  No leaning against me; no putting her hand over mine; no stroking of my neck or hair.

At the end of the night she pecked me on the lips one last time and thanked me for coming out with her, but I honestly have no idea whether she actually had a good time or would want to do it again.

On one hand, I’m not getting any signs that she’s particularly into me.  Letting me caress her but not caressing back?  Responding to everything I say with a smile but with the minimum amount of verbiage, and not contributing anything new to the conversation?  These things spell “I am biding my time until I can get the hell away from you” to me.

On the other hand, maybe she’s just awkward at talking.  We actually ran into a friend of hers at the bar tonight and even the talking between them was awkward.  She might not realize there’s any other way to be, and feels that the evening actually went okay.

Also, sexually, I’m used to dudes; chicks are socialized to be much more passive, so mmmaybe her lack of action doesn’t mean a lack of attraction?  I’ve frozen up during unwanted makeouts before and I’m pretty sure that’s not what was happening here; Pixie was relaxed, making happy sounds, and the couple of times I verbally checked in with her she was smiling and her face was slightly flushed.

Ugh, I dunno.  I don’t wanna totally let Pixie go, because she sounds like she’d be a compatible sub for me in many ways, and I do think she’s pretty, and I’m intrigued by how turned on I got for a minute when we were going at it and would like to pursue that some more.  But at the same time, this evening was pretty rough.  And confusing.  And awkward.  So I think I’m gonna kind of back off and wait for Pixie to contact me.  If she doesn’t, so be it.

Can anyone who dates chicks give me any insight into what the hell was up with the one-sided makeouts?  Is this common, or what?

15 Comments

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15 responses to “Chicks are complicated.

  1. Andy

    I’m sorry it didn’t go well, but I don’t think there’s really any one sweeping insight anyone can give 😦 Maybe it’s a gender-role thing. Maybe it’s a submissive thing. Maybe The Pedant mentioned to her that you haven’t dated a lot of girls and she didn’t want to freak you out. Maybe SHE hasn’t dated a lot of girls and doesn’t know what she’s doing. Maybe she needs the alcohol to give her courage. Who knows!

    *cough* I may be just the teeeeensiest bit jealous of her thouuuugh *cough*

    • The Pedant gave me the impression she’s a big ol’ slut, actually, so I’m ruling out inexperience as a factor. But yeah, I suppose it’s impossible to say what the hell happened.

      And OMG I think you just confirmed that my little e-crush on you is mutual. *Squee!*

  2. Ha! At first I was like no, haven’t been through anything similar, nope. But then I realized that the exact same thing happened to me! Well, not exactly, but I faced the same unresponsiveness. I was with this chick I’d just met and when we were getting it on she mostly just kissed me back. It was kind of crazy because I licked her and touched her and fucked her with my fingers, but in all (the great) sex we had she never once touched my naughty bits. She did caress me though, I think.

    You know I wouldn’t have sex like that again, I can tell you. Maybe she was used to being the more passive one? Maybe she was playing “the girl”. Hell, I don’t know. But I know I’m not like that when I have sex, so not everybody is.

    • Yeah, of course not all women are passive like that or else lesbian sex wouldn’t even be a thing! 😀

      That sucks that the girl you were with was so unresponsive! Call me old-fashioned but I think it’s just plain rude to enjoy orgasms from someone and not even try to give any back (unless that was previously negotiated).

      I wish we could read minds to know why people behave the way they do.

      • I agree that it’s rude. I did have a couple of great orgasms that night, but it was caused by humping each other and brain chemistry mostly. I wouldn’t agree to that sort of sexual play anymore, because I would totally feel rejected and unfulfilled… Also I really want to be penetrated with something. She didn’t seem to. (That might be something to bare in mind and ask the Pixie if things get that far.) But it was a one time thing. So. I never found out what it was about.

        One other experience I had with a woman ended pretty much the same – but she was just scared she wouldn’t know what to do and the next time she tried to do things for me too.

  3. Kay

    I am quite an awkward chick in general, not much older than Pixie and not all that experienced, and with a new partner who I don’t know really well, the first makeouts I kind of feel like, what if I do X or Y and they don’t like it, or what if I do it “wrong”? So I overthink it and end up not really doing anything. Well, I will touch their face and hair or hug but mostly wait for them to take the lead. Maybe Pixie is like me, only more so? My most recent makeout partner (who I’m still seeing) did the “put my hand on their hip” thing and frankly I was thinking “what specifically do you want me to do with this hand? I wish you would tell me because I’m happy to do it!” At least now I’m at the point where I’d feel comfortable saying something like that out loud, awkwardness be damned, and this post has encouraged me to be more assertive on my next date (TOMORROW!)

    • The thing is, The Pedant has led me to believe that Pixie is pretty experienced. He says she refers to herself as “having sex like a man” (i.e., purely for the fun of it, with no emotions involved) and has had all kinds of one-night stands and casual flings.

      At any rate, I can pretty much guarantee that I’m less experienced with women than Pixie is – and she actually calls herself a lesbian whereas I label myself “heteroflexible”. So (whether it’s justified or not) I resent the fact that I had to take the lead by default. I can’t help feeling like she should’ve been guiding me a bit more and telling me what she wanted and stuff.

      When I think of someone having sex with me “like a man,” by the way, I picture them groping my boobs/ass/crotch the very second they think they can get away with it. I kind of wish The Pedant hadn’t told me all that stuff about Pixie because I really got the wrong idea of what she was like.

      I do understand that some people are just shy/nervous with a new partner, and if we were to make out again, I would ask Pixie to touch my hair/caress my arms/etc. But I reeeeally don’t think I want to go out with her again, so it’s moot.

      And yes! Go forth on your date tomorrow and communicate and have fun!!! ❤

      • From what you’ve told us about the Pedant, nifty a dude as he is, I would take his assessment of ladies with a grain of salt. He could be reporting something that was simply bravado (I know that the times in my life when I’ve been the most “yeah, me and boobs, we’re like THIS” have uniformly been when I was not getting laid/not getting laid by women and super bummed about it) or a misinterpretation — to me, when people say “have sex like a man” they’re usually talking about no strings attached, and her fl profile specifically contradicts that. She could just mean that she likes to use a strap on, who knows? And the Pedant is not the best at nuances, so he might not be able to parse what he heard (based on your narrative, my money is on pvercompensation for not getting enough action). But the one thing I would say is that one of my rudest awakenings was that, because coming to terms with my queerness was hard for me, I always assumed that everyone who was “gayer” than me would be smarter than me, and smart in exactly the same way. Now when I say it like that, it sounds really dumb, but it’s super not the case — your lady friend could be totally into you, and just not a good socialized, either sexually or out in public.

        • I always assumed that everyone who was “gayer” than me would be smarter than me, and smart in exactly the same way.

          Yes, this. I know it doesn’t make sense but I keep thinking it anyway. She’s an actual lesbian so she should be suaver with the ladies than me, dammit!

          Context for the “sex like a man” comment: Pixie was at the Slutwalk and a tv interviewer asked her why she considers herself a slut (or something like that). That was her answer. But yeah, it could totally be bravado.

  4. Just A Slut

    Personally I’m baffled by Pixie. I am either a horrible sub by her standards or maybe alcohol loosened her up the night before. As a submissive when I am dating a Lady dominant. I try to invent reasons to touch her and create situations that allow reasons to be touched. I have professional training from beauty school that allows not only a good converstation topic and some competition for submissives but it also challenges the lady dominant and provides an opening for her to touch me and for her to allow me to be in her personal space with little awkwardness. (If I say that I have been trained to style hair professionaly she will have the opening to ask for hair care and allow me to touch her hair. This also provides her an opening to be closer to me.

    If the opening isn’t quite there maybe there is a way to create one for you too. Maybe while you are kissing her you can intertwine her fingers in yours and run them over your breasts with you BOTH touching. Women are more sensual then men. So make yourself touchable with soft fabrics and engaging her senses. Or if her shirt is covering an area that you want to explore, running your nails just under the hemline may make her agree with you.

    Personally I have been told I am too anxious during sex and to “slow down”. I got corrected a lot by a previous who wanted to treat me like a doll. I assumed like a toy with curls and frilly clothing. But no. He literally wanted me to lie motionless.

    Is it possible that maybe she assumes you want a more sedate partner during sex because she miss read pedant?

    When I have sex with women I tend to be more open to a lot of touching where with men I bend it like beckam. Either way I am a very assertive partner which isn’t always a good thing when the dominants I socialize with seem to prefer a sedate partner who might moan or gasp, but doesn’t assert sexual acrivities as much as I do.

    (Usually its the men who claim they are too sensitive for me to be so frenzied. They don’t like to cum unless they have more control on when and where the cum)

    And might I add, good god she is so darn lucky! You seem more fun then a barrel of monkeys! Can I come play? Lol

    Stay sexy

    Just A Slut

    • I think the fact that you create reasons to touch and be touched makes you a fantastically skilled submissive and I wish Pixie were like that! I like to take the lead, but I like my partner to “seduce” me – to lure me over and subtly rev me up until I just wanna throw them down and have my way with them.

      You seem more fun then a barrel of monkeys!

      I do? 😀 😀 😀 Well, I’m glad I’m coming off okay despite my nervousness and inexperience!

  5. Just A Slut

    First sex nerves transcend kinky and sexual prefrences. It happens to everybody. I get them too and I have been accepting of my bisexual side since I was low twenties. (That almost ten years ago. YIKES)

    I also have awkward first sex with men as well. My biggest problem is getting out of my head and quit being self concious. I over think things a lot and second guess myself. Sometimes it distracracts me duering sex.

    Think of that first awkwatd sex like this, its usually only the first few times you have sex. Its a impoportant relationship learning tool. And you already have awkward sex. The worst is over. You have the first awkwatd sex over. Now move on. Remember who gets to drive here. You get to drive so therefore you can steer her away from things that are too soon or too awkward and you can STEER her into you! You are the dominant so you have a chance here to play how you want and MAKE her more assertive.

    Goodluck next time

    And thank you for your gracious and generous compliments.

    Just A Slut

  6. Just A Slut

    My Orgasms don’t always cooperate with me. I’m working on it. But if my sexual didn’t atleast TRY to offer me fulfilment or gratification, I would feel like I don’t matter or would eventually be resentful of the dominant/partner in question.

    So I agree with Bambi. I would move on from a partner who is only concerned about their sexual fufllfillment.

    I think what happened with pixie is the first night she acted out because alcohol made me more liberated in her feelings and normal boundries.

    The second date she may have felt awkward or embarressed over her behavior.

    I would give her the benefit of the doubt personally.

    Just a slut

  7. Pingback: Last week’s Pedant visit, belated part V. | hiding in plain sight

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