I’m a dumbass.

I told The Pedant I have feelings for him…but I said it during a hiatus in one of our typical epic hand jobs.  In fairness, I’m not sure I could’ve summoned the nerve during a more neutral time.  It just felt right to say those mushy things to him while we were being so close and intimate and I was feeling particularly unguarded.

The reason this is a dumbass move is that The Pedant was all relaxed and out of it and had his eyes closed at the time, and he did not react to my words whatsoever.  

The good news is, after the incident, he kept on treating me the same as before.  The bad news is, I’m not sure if it’s because he accepts/supports/returns my feelings or because he didn’t hear me.

*Facepalm.*

He did register my subsequent dirty talk just fine in the moment, so I tend to think he was gracefully ignoring what I’d said the way I gracefully ignored Minx’s first I love you.  It seems likely that The Pedant (like me with Minx in the early days) is enjoying our time together and doesn’t want it to be changed or complicated by new information.

But of course I could be wrong.

Either way, I’ll back off on hinting – or saying outright – that I’m enamoured with him for a while.  And if/when I do broach the subject again, I’ll ask him how he feels about me.  Because telling him a few months back that I’m fond of him got me no feedback, and telling him yesterday “I’m falling for you a little bit, but if those feelings aren’t welcome, I think I can stop…” also got me no feedback.  Maybe it’s his autism or maybe he’s just being an evasive pain in the ass but it looks like I’ll have to be brutally fuckin’ direct with him if I want to know where I stand.

More details to come.  Right now I’m in dire need of a nap.

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One response to “I’m a dumbass.

  1. Pingback: A huge long mostly-sex Pedant post. | hiding in plain sight

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