*Insert allegory re: “baby ducks” and “imprinting” here*

Another thing I glossed over in my haste to obsess on The Pedant some more: my second date with The Baby Duck.  We hung out in the park for a while and then moved the hangouts to my place.

On my couch, we were making small talk and I gave him my mini-rant about “politeness” usually being synonymous with “vagueness” and told him that sometimes people seem to dislike how direct I am.  He said he likes directness and I can always feel free to say stuff to him outright.  That was good to hear.  Then I told him about that one scene in The Big Bang theory that I like, where the main character asks out his coworker and she’s like “Well, what’s the point of dinner and a movie if there doesn’t turn out to be any physical chemistry between us?” and she suggests that they forego the date and just kiss right then and there, to find out.  And then there was a pause and The Baby Duck smiled at me and said “You wanna find out if we have any chemistry?”  Which was not entirely a propos since we’d already kissed at the end of our first date, but I saw what he was getting at.  I suggested he get rid of the gum he was chewing, and he did.  And then there were makeouts.

Most people seem to experiences attraction as a binary thing; either they totally want to fuck someone, or they don’t want anything remotely sexual happening with them.  I wish it were like that for me, but no: I get situations like with The Latent Heterosexual (whom I am attracted to in the sense that I feel a pull toward him, want to touch him, and constantly ogle his body when we hang out, but when we try to do stuff we can’t seem to muster any passion) or The Vixen (with whom I made out once and it turned me on, but I wasn’t interested in anything further).  And now there’s The Baby Duck, where there’s some attraction and I really enjoy kissing him but so far it doesn’t turn me on per se, and I have no urge to see him naked.

And of course my good old rape culture training tells me that kissing is supposed to be kind of a downpayment on sex, so I feel like I should confess this horrible defect of mine to The Baby Duck – like, warn him that maybe I’ll never put out, or ask him if he’s okay with us just making out and nothing else, ever.  But with my luck, if I say that, my attraction will end up growing over time and I’ll be like “Hey, I think I might be into other stuff, after all!” and I’ll feel like this wishy-washy chick who’s jerking him around.

I wanna be fully into him, dammit!  He clearly likes me, he texts me on a regular basis and initiates outings and stuff, he’s a good communicator…when we were making out, he accidentally discovered that lightly caressing pretty much any part of my skin makes me all wriggly and gaspy, and he said – not sarcastically – “Wow, you’re so responsive to touch!  That’s really exciting.”  And he checked in with me frequently to make sure I was having fun, to ask where I’d like to be touched, etc.  And when he asked me if I was ticklish, I actually had no fear at all of telling him yes-don’t-ever-poke-my-ribs-because-I-hate-it because I knew he’d abide by this and not get all intrigued and feint toward me in hopes of provoking a reaction.  And indeed, my instincts were right: he simply thanked me for telling him and we went on with our lives.

Now I’m starting to wonder if I’m one of those people who’s Attracted To The Wrong Kinds of Guys.  I didn’t think I was, but The Doll, The Latent Heterosexual, and The Baby Duck all look great on paper and even have some of the physical traits I usually love, and yet the lust isn’t really there.  The only boy I want to bang the living shit out of right now is The Pedant, whose motivations are infuriatingly opaque to me a lot of the time and who I sometimes think is kind of an asshole*.  Good lord, am I unattracted to the other dudes because they’re transparent and communicate well?

Ummmm.  Huh.  I would say that Minx was a good communicator (in the beginning of our relationship, when he was still making an effort) and he certainly wasn’t an abrasive asshole “alpha dog” type like The Pedant, and I still fell in love with Minx.  So…for now, let’s say The Baby Duck et. al. are just random pheromonal misfires – “close but no cigar” boys.  If I lust after a dude but then he starts being more communicative and this kills it for me, that’s when I’ll know I have a problem.

btw I’m going on a third date with The Baby Duck tomorrow.  And y’know…my lack of crotch-tingles isn’t even really a dealbreaker for me…I think we could maybe have pleasant and fulfilling sex, anyway, just because he’s an awesome person (and has really awesome lips).  I think my real problem is just that I’m pretty sure he likes me more than I like him and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  And I don’t know when to tell him it’s not gelling for me – do I wait a little longer just in case attraction kicks in later (it might!  You don’t know!), or do I give a heads-up now before he becomes too invested?

In other dating news, I can’t remember if I mentioned it before but there’s an 18 year old on FetLife whose profile picture is extremely cute and who wants to be feminized and pegged.  It took him nineteen days to answer my initial email, but then when I didn’t immediately send a response he sent a second email prompting me.  When we made plans to meet he bailed the day of, but since then he’s been persistently asking to chat with me via IM so I decided his excuse for bailing must have been legit and he was indeed interested in getting to know me.  But when I finally made time to chat with him tonight, it was like pulling teeth.  I was carrying the entire conversation – I’d ask him something, he’d take forever to answer and then write me a single dead-end sentence, I’d wrack my brain for something else to ask, lather/rinse/repeat.  Finally I told him outright that as cute and articulate as he is, and as much as I’d like to get to know him, carrying the entire conversation was getting tiring so I was gonna do something else.  I told him that if there’s ever a better time to talk – like a time when he’s able to respond in a timely fashion and actually willing to ask me stuff about myself, maybe we can resume.  And then I logged out.

Meanwhile The Pedant – as I mentioned a post or two ago – has asked to visit me this coming week.  We agreed on Thursday.  When I asked him what time he wanted to come by, he said “That depends.  Are you working at all that day?”  I said no, I was free, so any time from 2pm onward [I wake up around 1pm lately] would be fine.  The Pedant texted me back “Cool. :)” and nothing else…which made me think he was just gonna drop by whenever he felt like it, which infuriates me (I have better things to do than wait by the door like a dog!).  So I was all “Yeah, so what time were you thinking of?  Ballpark.  I want to know how long I can postpone laundering my sheets and getting groceries.”  He replied, “By 3pm.”  The fact that he’s evidently wanting to maximize his time with me – planning to arrive pretty much the second I said I was available – makes me squee for joy a little bit.  I guess when I said I was free from 2pm onward and he said “cool” he meant “cool, that’s roughly the time I’ll aim for, then.”

I am absolutely going to have some kind of “what is the nature of this relationship” discussion with The Pedant when I see him.  Fuck it.  I have to know.  And I’m prrrrretty sure(?) that if I say “dating-ish” and he says “just friendly fucking” he won’t get freaked out and bail or anything.  I think he trusts me and takes me at face value, so if I tell him I can compartmentalize and keep things going just as they were before, he’ll believe me.

*”But it’s not like he’s an asshole with me!” a tiny, defensive voice inside my head protests.  “Sure,” responds a more cynical voice, “But the fact that he’s sweet to you but comes off aloof and abrasive in general is – admit it – a big part of his appeal for you, and that’s probably not healthy.  At any rate it never worked out well in the past.”  At this point a third voice pipes up with “Gawd, you’re all squishy for this boy because you think you’ve tamed him and because you think he’s wounded and needs your help and understanding!  That is so gross!  What’re you, sixteen?”


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8 responses to “*Insert allegory re: “baby ducks” and “imprinting” here*

  1. Andy

    Oh my goodness, isn’t it the worst when someone seems great (or…slow-to-reply-but-maybe-still-kinda-great) on paper and then you get ’em in an IM and you start wanting to shoot yourself?

    Me: So how did you get into [shared interest]?
    Them: Dunno. Just kinda liked it.
    Me: O…kay…What do you like about it?
    Them: It’s cool.
    Me: G…ood. So tell me about you! What do you do for work?
    [30 minutes later]
    Them: My job. Sorry for the slow response, I ran out to get some groceries.

    • That’s a pretty uncanny recap of my conversation with the 18 year old. *Sigh*.

      And there’s been no word from him since I told him the conversation was too one-sided. No apology, no offer to try again, nothing. Maybe (and I feel like a lot of guys have done this) he interpreted my straight-up assessment of what I wanted from him as me getting angry and calling it off. Or maybe he just knows he won’t be giving me the things I’ve requested – maybe he doesn’t actually have any urge to ask me questions or respond to me in a timely manner, so when I said “let’s try talking again when you can do those things” he thought “Ah, so we’re done here.”


  2. Just A Slut

    Wow, it seems you have been a busy lade ;-). I just wanted to comment on your angst over un healthy relationships if you don’t mind. (I’d rather ask forgiveness then permission at times. Lol its probably my inner brat)

    Here’s my thoughts over these things. I get attracted to the dominant that doesn’t need constant maintenance and is a bit of an ass. Maybe its the arrogance in them. Or maybe its the arrogance in me that they may need me. Either way its a challenge. I thing the challenge is what triggers strong people types. I’m a strong and independent lady (submissives are strong too lol) and I get bored if a person is too intrested or too availible. I think its similar to other things in life. Would you really want to do the same puzzle or activity you have mastered over and over? Sure sometimes you might. But there will be a point where you may want to persue something new. Something you haven’t mastered. Its human nature to explore things that are unknown or un conquered.

    It doesn’t mean you are so masochistic that you require ass hats that don’t appreciate you. It just means that sometimes you may want someone who can make you think and keep you on your toes. You don’t brag over beating a toddler at chess. Beating an equal at chess or possibly someone who has outwitted you is more of a mastery of skill. It says that you are strong and smart enough to play by ever changing rules and still win in life.

    That doesn’t make me stupid for wanting someone who doesn’t require constant maintenance it makes me honest for wanting someone I haven’t figured out yet and still want to try. (To figure them out)

    That being said, if you feel occasionaly taken for granted (something I feel is written between the lines on here) then it may be time to talk to him and say that this makes you feel in a negetive way. I would try to set boundries saying that you would like to feel important and some of his actions may not be making you feel so. It sounds like he has a hard time picking up social ques. If he is having a hard time reading the situation, then for gods sake turn on the light to the problem, and hand him a magnefying glass. This at the very least may give you a hint about how he may or may not be trying to put you on a shelf for later.

    I hope this hasn’t caused offense and helps you gain perspective

    -Just A Slut-

    • I thing the challenge is what triggers strong people types.

      You may have a point there. It’s not that I want someone who’s an asshat, or unavailable, or anything like that, but the quality of challenge is probably what’s missing from a lot of these interactions I’ve mentioned.


  3. Brugmansia

    “I think my real problem is just that I’m pretty sure he likes me more than I like him and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. And I don’t know when to tell him it’s not gelling for me – do I wait a little longer just in case attraction kicks in later (it might! You don’t know!), or do I give a heads-up now before he becomes too invested?”

    This is THE problem of my adult dating life. I’ve agonized over it from every angle and sadly, continue to obsess anew with every boy who expresses interest. I have no answers, just commiserations.

    I hate, hate, hate the feeling of liking someone more than he likes me. It stresses me out, kills the initial thrill of attraction, and makes seeing someone quickly more pressure-laden than it’s worth. As I understand it, my great fear of leading boys on stems in part from not wanting to hurt them, in part from not wanting to disappoint them lose that image they have of me on a pedestal, and in part from terror of the ultimate confrontation in which I have to reject him. I do not like confrontation.

    I’ve spent my life being told by friends that a boy liking me ‘too much’ is NOT a good reason to stop seeing him. I can only attribute this to a double standard. If I were a boy, I’d be condemned as a player and the corrective action would be to stop seeing chicks I wasn’t interested in being serious with; as a girl, I’m condemned as too picky or waiting for a chimerical Mr. Right and the corrective action is to stay with the boy who likes me and learn some gratitude. While sympathy abounds for the foolish, misled notch on a male player’s belt, Mr. Right Now is often seen as a lucky bastard.

    In any case, it’s much easier for me to STAY attracted to men when the attraction balance is tipped the other way – when I like them more than they like me. I used to wonder if this meant I had low self-esteem, if it reflected some deep rooted subconscious insecurities that prevented me from liking someone who liked me. Sort of an ‘I would never want to belong to a club that would have me as a member’ type thing. Or if there was some self-sabotage at play – maybe it was safer for me to only like uninterested men, because then I couldn’t ruin it. I’ve mostly moved away from these explanations. They just don’t ring true for me. I believe it is simply something about the hunt that does it for me. I love the challenge, and the thrill of the kill. It drives me.

    But. I DO adore the ideal of lifelong romance, and I just know, deep inside, that if I were in love with someone, the attraction would not evaporate if he returned my feelings. I just can’t quite decide whether it makes me a bad person to pursue boys I’m not head over heels for. Some days I think I’m doing nothing wrong, as long as I’m honest. Other days I feel guilty about wasting their time, if I know that they’d like to slap the ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ labels on us asap.

    I tell myself I’m not responsible for a boy’s inability to communicate about the assumptions he is making, and that he should fucking own his own emotional risks … but if, at the end of the day, he ends up hurt, it suddenly seems like I could have prevented his pain by being the one to say very explicitly, “I’d like to have sex, but I’m not in love with you and can’t promise that I ever will be, so if you also want to have sex and can promise not to interpret it as a sign that I’m love with you, that I want to see/sleep with you exclusively, that I’m your girlfriend, or that you have any kind of right to set restraints on my actions until we both decide we want to be in a serious committed relationship, or until you make a clear request with words that I act in a certain way (a request which I can then agree or disagree to, with the understanding that our continued interactions may be contingent on a specific response), then let’s do it.”

    Guh. Best of luck with Baby Duck!

    • If I were a boy, I’d be condemned as a player and the corrective action would be to stop seeing chicks I wasn’t interested in being serious with; as a girl, I’m condemned as too picky or waiting for a chimerical Mr. Right and the corrective action is to stay with the boy who likes me and learn some gratitude.

      YES! I hadn’t consciously noticed that before but it’s totally true. I can’t help but think it’s the patriarchy making sure men are getting the best sex possible and…not really caring whether the women are satisfied. “Oh, that guy is really into you but you don’t feel it? Fuck him anyway!”

      I did notice that women are taught perhaps more than men are that having a partner is super duper important, so in these “Baby Duck” situations I criticize myself for being too picky, throwing away a perfectly good guy, etc. etc. Also – on a whole separate note – I’m a horndog and kind of paranoid so if a potential sex partner surfaces who actually meets my criteria of seeming safe and fun, I’m loath to let that go even if I don’t actually find him sexy. 😛

      if, at the end of the day, he ends up hurt, it suddenly seems like I could have prevented his pain…

      It’s hard not to feel this way, since society always heaps blame on women in these situations.

      Did you ever see the movie 500 Days of Summer? Boy meets girl (Summer) who says, I think the first time they even talk, that she likes being single and wants to stay that way. Boy somehow convinces Summer to hang out with him a time or two. Summer says, pretty early on, “I’m not looking for anything serious.” Boy appears to take this as a challenge, and ultimately assumes he and Summer are indeed in a relationship. Summer bails when things get too intense – as any moron could have predicted she would – leaving boy heartbroken.

      I watched this movie, and then I thought “Let’s go to the IMDb discussion boards and see what people are saying, because I bet most of it will be ‘Summer was a bitch whore monster who led him on and ruined his life!!!!!’ and not ‘Jeez, just think of all the heartbreak the dude could’ve avoided if he’d just listened to what Summer was saying and not jumped to conclusions.'”

      And yeah. Sure enough. And I’ve seen similar responses happen to pretty much any movie where a woman leaves a guy.

      So apparently, it is a woman’s job to coddle the menz. Every damn time.

      • Brugmansia

        No, I’ve never seen 500 Days of Summer, but now I want to! I’m not so into romantic comedies, and had written it off as such … but now I’m curious. Thanks!

  4. Just A Slut

    Wow. I didn’t realize there were so many typos. Ahh well you still got the point I was trying to say. I love reading your blog. It really inspires a lot of inner reflection. Thanks for allowing such an intimate inner peak in such private moments. I look forward to your writings.


    -Just A Slut

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