When I was hanging out with High School Friend the other night, we were bitching about guys in our lives and how weirdly they take compliments. Never a “thank you” or a compliment in return. Always some sort of dodge.
HSF briefly dated a dude whose stock response to a compliment was “that’s very kind of you” which infuriated her: instead of accepting that there was something noteworthy about him, dude made it all about how nice she was for saying it. And I can kind of see HSF’s point, but I don’t think “that’s very kind of you” would infuriate me to quite the same extent.
Unless it was a response to “I’ve been daydreaming all day about fucking you.” Which – speak of the devil – is exactly how The Pedant replied to that statement from me earlier today. Usually he goes with a smug “You’re welcome. ;)” It’s odd that he’s switched it up.
I don’t say things like that to The Pedant as a downpayment on hearing them back; I say them because I want him to know. It is starting to bug me that he doesn’t say similar things, though. Especially since he’s more than happy to talk about other women he finds attractive. This reminds me uncomfortably of my ex husband, although in fairness I’ve never asked The Pedant to compliment me. He might, if I asked. My ex always refused.
Today I was booked for a modelling gig at a new place – posing nude with another woman. I’ve never done that before, and was nervous; I texted a few friends to say so, including The Pedant. He responded pretty quickly, joking that maybe I’ll get lucky and the other chick will be [model], the chick I did some costumed gigs with whom The Pedant and I both find attractive.
I said “You’re totally picturing that right now, aren’t you?”
He said “No more than you are. Her mouth is about at breast height on you, yes?”
I was in a bit of a brittle mood and would have preferred not to hear him talking about some other chick, but I played along anyway just to keep the conversation going: “You know I’m not that into nipple stuff. I’d be more likely to picture lifting her up by the ass so she could wrap her legs around my waist.” (I wasn’t entirely catering to him – I have pictured this. Although I wasn’t at that moment. My interest in chicks is halfassed and fluctuates a lot.)
The Pedant had thus far been responding to my texts immediately. This time, he did not. After a full four minutes ticked by, I texted: “If you’re wanking right now, plz leave it on my voicemail.” (And I was serious, too! Although I know he’d never do such a thing.) He never did reply.
The class came and went. Afterward, I texted The Pedant to gush that the other model had been experienced and awesome and says she’ll recommend me to a bunch of her work contacts.
He texted back “Sweet. :)” And then: “Also, I was wanking to the idea of [model] wrapped around you by the time you asked.”
Finally – after like five different times of responding to “I can’t stop fantasizing about you” – type texts from me with anything but “same here” – he admits to wanking while thinking about me…and there’s another chick in the picture. Dammit.
But I realized I could use this situation to subtly encourage more compliments in a positive way, rather than a whiny “why don’t you ever…?” way. I texted him: “Nice to know I was in your thoughts. I’d love to hear that more often. :)”
…And he told me he was having more thoughts about [model] and I at that very moment. Which, well, at least I was in there somewhere. And his fantasy was of both of them going down on me simultaneously, which makes me the centre of attention – so much better for my flagging self-esteem than any other configuration he could’ve come up with. Actually, maybe he chose that scenario deliberately to try to turn me on. He probably did. That’s actually kind of sweet. I did tell him I’m attracted to this girl, and he doesn’t know that I’m not feelin’ that today.
So again, I played along briefly. But then I deliberately derailed the talk about [model] by asking The Pedant again to wank onto my voicemail. He claimed all I’d hear was the rubbing of skin – not even breathing sounds (where the fuck was he planning on holding the phone?!?) but offered to come over next week instead. I said that sounded like a beneficial trade-off.
That was around 15 minutes ago (I’m semi live-blogging this conversation…). He’s been silent since. I almost wonder if he’s wanking again. That would both amuse and arouse me, even if I am sharing the stage with another girl. Also, it’s making me curious just how long the masturbation process takes him. I always assumed it was a strictly utilitarian, two-minutes-and-done thing when he was alone, but what with the long radio silences I am now entertaining myself by picturing him running a bath and lighting candles and using toys and incorporating both his hands at once and just generally making an epic ritual out of it.
Anyway. I feel kind of petty for wanting more of an indication that The Pedant finds me attractive; it’s really damn obvious he does from the way he conducts himself in the bedroom, so that should be enough, right? But he’ll sometimes talk about finding particular other women hot or (and this is worse, to me) rhapsodize about all the reasons he’s attracted to tiny little petite women as a group (FYI, I’m 6′ tall and around 160 lbs) and it’s just…a lot. Y’know? A lot.
I think the next time he goes on a tangent about the hotness of anyone who isn’t me, I’ll tell him he’s not allowed to continue talking until he can say a few equally enthusiastic things about the hotness of someone who is me. Point out the imbalance there, y’know?
Also, I’ve realized that I’m trying way too hard with The Pedant to come off like I have no emotions. He’s talked a lot about how much he admires a woman who’s all logical and shit, and also he (probably?) thinks of me as just a casual sex partner who doesn’t/shouldn’t have any feelings invested in him, so I’m trying to play things super cool all the time. But that’s bullshit – there’s a difference between a casual partner and a damn robot. And The Pedant has been very quick to apologize and modify his behaviour on those rare occasions when I’ve had an issue with him, so clearly my feelings do matter to him and he’s willing to make compromises in order to keep me happy. I need to start being more open with him before my fuckin’ head explodes; he can probably take it. I’m nowhere near the stereotype of a “psycho chick” anyway – the stories I hear of women picking fights for no reason, or being angry but not knowing why (or making their partner guess) are entirely foreign to me. I have some wiggle-room before I get slapped with any icky labels, is what I’m saying.
Oh, and yeah…I’m PMSing right now. Which is making my obsession with The Pedant so much worse than it usually is, and making every tiny thing he does into some huge portent of badness to come. Sometimes my obsessiveness is, if not fun, at least satisfying in an itch-scratching way. This? Right now? Just sucks.
Hopefully my period will be done by the time I see The Pedant next and I’ll be able to have the conversations I need to have without my emotions going totally fuckin’ sideways. 😛