I went out with my friend The Social Worker last night. I mentioned that I’d sent The Pedant a text complimenting his oral skills and two days later still hadn’t gotten a reply, and The Social Worker was really adorably infuriated on my behalf. He sputtered that The Pedant is just a total douchebag and nobody would ignore a woman’s sweet, complimentary message like that unless he was only using her for sex.
I’m charmed by TSW’s outrage, but I disagree with his premise. When I think “using someone for sex” I picture a person going over and fucking the object of their lust and then immediately leaving, without much other interaction. It’s true that The Pedant doesn’t maintain as much contact with me between visits as I might like, but his stays with me are epic marathons of not just sex but also affection and movie-watching and discussion and sometimes shared domestic chores. We’ve gone to dinner and movies and stuff, and when we do, sometimes he pays my part as well as his.
And, I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious to The Pedant that I’m really attracted to him and really into the sex, and therefore would still fuck him even without all the talking and dinners and stuff (if he began to withhold the snuggles, well, that might be a deal breaker). So one presumes that he’s doing all the “extra stuff” because he wants to, and not as a down payment on my vagina.
Also, during our last visit he actually said that he wants to at least be friends with whoever he sleeps with or else it feels kind of empty.
Anyway, he still hasn’t responded to my text message lauding his oral skills (and I assume at this point he won’t – that he’s just forgotten about it or whatever) but he did respond to my email about our recent unprotected sex (and also, at the same time, to an email I’d sent him earlier this week. I think he just forgets to reply to things sometimes).
Here, for the record, is the email I’d sent him:
Thoughts re: the unprotected sex, now that I’ve had a couple of days to mentally process:
In initiating things in the heat of the moment, you kinda forced me to make in impactful decision while I had very little blood in my brain. A discussion at a neutral time when we were both calm and rational would have been ideal.
Having said that, it was wonderful to feel so close to you. I’m glad to have had that experience and I’d really like to explore with you some more. Just, y’know, with some discussion first to make sure we’re both on the same page.
I’ve done some thinking and – as I touched on briefly when you were over – I think my initial conditions for unprotected sex have loosened slightly. I tentatively think I’m okay with us conducting things as many poly couples do: bareback with each other, protection with everyone else, and STD tests every 3 months (and obviously if one of us has an unclean test, we start wrapping it up again).
What are your feelings on this subject?
He wrote back:
Hey, thanks for writing to me about this.
A discussion ahead of time would certainly have been ideal. As I told you, I hadn’t meant for things to go that far on that day, and I’m sorry to have forced this discussion in this manner.
Obviously it’d be a good idea to wait until test results are in hand before doing that again, and I’m going to kick down my doctor’s door this week to make an appointment to get full blood-testing done.
I’d also suggest that it might be a good idea to get tested more often than once every three months.
That said, I enjoyed the experience as well, and I’d certainly like to do that again if everything comes back clear.
The reply came in while I was having dinner tonight with High School Friend – she had already been given the background story so the second I saw that The Pedant had replied, I read the email aloud, guessing (correctly) that it wouldn’t contain anything embarrassing or mushy or anything. HSF laughed at the formal tone of the email, but really, mine wasn’t that much different. I made a point of saying I “felt close” to him rather than some variant of “that was really hot/fun” because I’ve got feelings a-brewin’ again for him (dammit) and am trying to suss out whether they’re mutual, but other than that I’d say my email was just as clinical as the reply I got.
I am once again itching to know what The Pedant’s feelings are for me/what he thinks our relationship is. And I’ve finally figured out why I need to know this: I’m mostly happy with the way things are between us, but I’d really like two changes: 1) To feel like I can be physically affectionate with him around people he knows (I feel sometimes like I’m a dirty little secret), and 2) more contact between visits (banter, “how’s your day going”s, etc.). I feel (perhaps wrongly) that requests like that can only reasonably be made of someone you’re dating/“seeing”, not just fucking. My “demands” are kind of relationshippy in nature, plus arguably when you’re casually fucking someone you’re not really supposed to impose your emotional needs on them.
So I don’t need to know The Pedant’s feelings per se, so much as I need to know whether I have the leverage to ask for the changes I want. 😛
I can’t put it off any longer: I will need to have a discussion with The Pedant sometime soon – whether it’s asking how he feels about me or simply asking for these things I want. And if it turns out I can’t have what I want from him, I’ll have to decide whether or not I can live with that.
I think The Pedant’s substantial “pros” of companionship, snuggling and super-hot sex outweigh his “cons” of secrecy and frustrating radio silence. But I won’t really know unless the hope of getting those extra little things I want is definitively taken away.