After a bit of time and sleep, plus some excellent perspective from my awesome commenters, I am feeling better about The Pedant introducing me to unprotected sex the way he did.
When I was a teenager, it sometimes seemed as though every guy I dated tried to do a similar thing – wait til I was too turned on to resist, and then slip his unwrapped dick into me. So this sort of thing is a pet peeve. But it should be noted that in those cases: a) I had expressly said ahead of time to always use a condom and b) The guys were fertile. In other words, they decided to override my stated boundaries and put me at a huge risk because, hey, condoms are a drag…and if I get pregnant that’s my issue to deal with, not theirs.
The Pedant has had a vasectomy. He tested clean for all STDs six months ago and has used condoms with every partner since, and I’ve been tested a few years back (and had HPV, actually, but I bet it’s gone; my immune system is killer) and have used condoms with every partner since (and there have only been two, including The Pedant). And I’d told him that I might be willing to bareback with him.
I would say that, all things considered, The Pedant and I pose an approximately equal risk to each other sexually, so this wasn’t a matter of him thinking “Bah, fuck her health and safety, that’s not my problem.” This was (I think) a matter of him being so keen to take me up on my offer that he got carried away and jumped the gun a bit. I’m sure he wouldn’t have done what he did if there was a pregnancy risk, a substantial STD risk, or if I’d told him condom use was non-negotiable. And I’m sure if I’d said “No, not until you’ve been tested” once he was in there, he would’ve pulled out again.
He absolutely should have discussed things with me beforehand – I had not given blanket consent for him to fuck me without a condom, I’d said I was willing to do so if he got tested for STDs and came out clean. He hasn’t gone for testing yet. So he was absolutely doing something with me that I hadn’t said yes to. Or, I mean, I’d said yes to the act but I’d placed conditions on it that he hadn’t met. Which is…not great.
The Pedant is a person who gets tested for STDs semi-regularly; he has no reason that I know of to avoid it (fear of needles; fear of what the results might be). And after the sex he told me he’d make it a priority to get tested as soon as possible. Ergo, he was not manipulating me into the sex in hopes of permanently getting around my conditions. He just had a failure of will power. As did I, since I didn’t tell him to stop. So whatever.
I will say that when he asked permission to come, he should have insisted on an actual yes from me instead of conveniently interpreting my incoherent frustrated sound as approval. That’s what I would have done in his place – stopped and said “I need an actual English word from you right now.” But my body language during the sex was happy and participatory; I believe if I’d appeared frozen up and terrified he would’ve stopped. So he’s not a monster or anything.
So the email I finally sent him was a bit less of a lecture than I’d originally planned. Basically I just briefly asked him to please use his words more in future because it’s not nice to force me to make decisions when all the blood has gone out of my brain, and then I told him that despite that problematic thing, the barebacking had been amazing and I was glad it happened and I’d like to explore it more. I laid out my [new and reconsidered] conditions, and asked if we were on the same page.
I have a feeling he’s gonna take five thousand years to answer me and it’ll make me insane. And – oh god – he never did answer my text complimenting his cunnilingus skills, either. So now I’ve got two “OMG sexytimes with you are so good” missives just dangling out there in the ether. Don’t I feel like the little sycophant.